Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

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What qualifies as "rape"?

Miki26
Miki26

Weird question, I know, sorry. I'm trying to figure out what happened with my ex. Technically, he didn't physically force me to do anything. He did tell me that he had considered "taking what he wanted", which in context, obviously meant rape. He knew I didn't want sex because I was dealing with a chronic and, at the time, undiagnosed illness and felt awful all the time. He threatened to break up with me if I didn't have sex with him and enjoy it, and acted pissed off all the time, sent me insulting texts when we weren't together, etc. For over 2 years. I did learn how not to cry while we were doing it over time. I haven't had sex in over 2 years despite being in a new, committed relationship. I ask because of comments from 2 separate therapists. The first one happened in couples therapy with my ex, when I was describing how terrified sex made me. She said (in front of my ex), "well it's not like you've been raped, so help me understand why you feel this way." The second incident happened when I sought therapy after breaking up with my ex, who helped me see all the ways he was abusive and controlling, but then asked "do you think (exs name) raped you?" in a way that implied she didn't. I said I didn't know and ended up not going back (for other reasons, mainly financial). Anyway, my question is, is it rape if you're not physically forced?

Momabearx10
Momabearx10
I think that may a definition a lawyer could give u. But your ex sounds abit verbal and possibly emotional abusive. Do u think he coerced you?
EvergreenDreamer
EvergreenDreamer
Hello Miki26 First I am so sorry that this happened to you. Gentlest of supportive hugs. Secondly, a great resource for just these kind of questions is rainn.org

It is the Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network. If you scroll down to the very bottom of the their home page you will see a link to “Legal Role of Consent” it varies from state to state. They have a lot of help info and you can see your states definition of consent and how coercion effects it.

Triple hugs
Patrick72
Patrick72
From what all you wrote - it wasn't ever CONSENTIAL so even though it wasn't physical force it WAS MENTAL. And alot of the time people tend to think physical is harder or more thqn mental when in reality it is extremely worse. Yes, it was rape from how you described it. You need to find a therapist whom is educated and also look into a lawyer . btw- lawyers for these matters (legit ones) will take your case with zero money until and unless you are paid your amount theb they take a percentage. Please do search . it doesn't make this all go away but you will feel empowered and stronger. You should feel zero guilt nor shame or embarrassed. Please seek the help you so deserve. Huge hugs
Miki26
Miki26
Thanks everyone for the replies, information and encouragement. To be clear, I have no intention of pursuing a court case, no matter how justified I would be in doing so. I never want to see him again (the breakup was bad enough, we were living together and it spurred months of harassment and begging me to take him back), I have no physical evidence, and I don't want more people to know about this. I would inevitably have to explain things like taking time off work. I guess I was just asking for closure more than anything. Thanks again for the support everyone, bug hugs
gonedylast
gonedylast
if he knows you don't want to and he insists on going through with it anyway. its wrong. if you're crying during sex because you don't want to, its wrong. a lot of people think that it doesn't count as rape if its done by a significant other. thats wrong. rape is sex forced on an individual without consent. thats means if you say no, are obviously uncomfortable, not conscious, or heavily impaired, its rape.
crystalknows
crystalknows
Yes. Rape does NOT have to be physically forced. I am very sorry you had to go through this. As the other comments have stated. You are strong.
cherylrose
cherylrose
Yes. It's not always physical. I have a similar situation. I didn't want to deep down as even said no but things kept moving and it just happened. Technically, that is rape. He heard me say no, I didn't want to... but he kept going. I didn't fight back but .. I don't think I even knew what to do at the moment. I was just on autopilot and scared.
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