--And you posted more while I was composing my post.
MAY TRIGGER
I also am a victim of pedophilia, at the hands of a psychopath that thought torture was fun. I have scars on my legs, my arms and my penis and ball sack that he left with cigars. I also am a multiple victim as my first abuser was my cousin (the psychopath) and my second abuser was an uncle (true boy-lover); I have been through sexual abuse because the pain of it turned on person on and then again because it was "love" in my uncles definition.
And yes, for many years I struggled (many, MANY years). But I am at the point now where I can say that I do NOT think about it daily, that I make my choices FREE of influence by these two men and that I am in a healthy and productive relationship that is based on LOVE, not sex or some hang-up.
I truly hope you are still working on yourself - if not, then there is more out there for you, more to conquer and more happiness. As long as you see yourself as damaged, you probably are. You can overcome these thoughts, in my opinion, but it is definitely hard. Many of us here have some residuals of the abuse, even after many years of work, but that does not mean it will always color our lives to the point of never being able to be healthy again. Yes, we will always have the abuse in our past - the trick is to remember it is in our past and our future is in our hand now - not the hand of the abuser.
All my respect and my best thoughts OldRolly -
Refuse2quit

This is my perspective. I have come a long , long way. My life experiences , both good and bad have shaped me. I have some less than ideal coping mechanisms.....ones that I no longer want. I can change those. It may take time and hard work but I have the power to change. I know I have the power to overcome because I survived and in some respects even thrived. I am not going to hate myself because I disassociate ...that is what helped me survive. All those behaviors and coping skills that many SA survivors use are our attempts at self care and preservation.

Que the orchestra!

May we all stand proud and empowered. Some days make suck but we will make it to better ones. We have withstood more than many people and when we are ready to move forward we will.

It's unfortunate that we were the ones abused but yet we have feelings of shame and guilt?????? I've been through what you are feeling and then I got angry. I didn't deserve what was done to me. I deserved to be protected and loved. SOMEBODY, failed at their job. Actually more than one person failed. By the way, there usually is more than one person involved. Someone has to help the abuser cover up their shame,right? Oh they try to blame it on us but you need to believe that you didn't ask for any of it, therefore nothing to be ashamed about. I had to eliminate everyone in my life who played any part in the abuse at all. I moved away. In some ways,it's like being around drugs,if your a drug addict. You have to change everything around you. Not saying that you should move or run away from them. Just saying that it helps some people to move forward and begin a new life. It sounds like you have done well and should be so proud of yourself for being so successful. Your abuser doesn't deserve your whole life. You and your family deserve to be happy. One day at a time. Keep busy and know that you are worthy of love and happiness without thinking of,them!

I appreciate the passionate responses and personal stories. My heart aches for each one of us. I know it is not a "life-sentence" but that I am profoundly changed for having been sexually abused, in mostly negative ways but some positive. I'm really glad I joined this group.

Refuse2quit,

Powerful response. Thank you.

I felt up in arms over what I consider a despairing outlook on healing from abuse and had to take a night's rest before I could respond with civility.

There is no one on God's earth who will ever convince me that I will suffer a life sentence or cannot heal from sexual abuse. Nor is there anyone with a ray of hope that would deliver such a negative message to me whether they knew me or not.

If that is their belief then it's best they own it for themselves and say as much...that I can hear and accept, though sadly.

I am the captain of my life now and will never give that responsibility away. I know, because I have healed from long-term incest, years of sexual abuse as a child, and rape as an adult, that healing is possible; and if it's possible for one why not others?

I heard years ago in a workshop that if you want to know what your belief system is look at your life. I didn't get the connection until recently. My life is on the upswing and I will continue to nourish the belief in myself that is taking me there.

IMO, survivors will heal in direct proportion to their own belief systems; whether you believe you can heal or not, you are right.

xx
SuzA

SuzA66:
And as I have told you before - MORE POWER TO YOU. If you don't believe in yourself, who will?
Personally, I think I will always have room for improvement and refinement - so I don't look for a day when I will feel completely able to just say "that's enough , no more healing for me!" - It keeps me on my toes for ways to improve!
But I can see the reason people would want to stop looking for areas of work - growth can hurt and looking into the prospect of more growth can be fearful. And here I think it is time for another quote, one I recently used on another post.
"Fear is the little darkroom in which negatives are developed" - Michael Pritchard.
Love it - will hand it on the wall soon!
Refuse2quit

Refuse2quit,

I do look to the day I can say "no more healing for me." However, that does not mean I will turn away from personal growth.

Any person, survivor or not, cannot stand still and live fully.

Quote is on target.

SuzA

I fully agree with those saying it's NOT a lifetime sentence...I actually read that post several times before I accepted that was what was being said. I believe what was stated could be true if and ONLY if the survivor chooses to believe it to be true. While it is accurate we'll never forget what happened but we can absolutely move beyond feeling shame and guilt and learn to trust again. We can heal, we can learn to trust again. The abuse does not have to control of destiny. It only does if we allow it to
This issue of survivors genuinely feeling shame bothers and saddens me more than any other issue discussed on these boards as shame has such a corrosive impact on our lives in so many ways and makes healing impossible. How is it possible to heal as long as the child within is blaming themselves for what happened.. either in whole or part? Or it the adult us looking back with our now fully functioning brains and ability to see the whole picture is seeing things the child did (or didn't do) that we find unacceptable and believe the child "could" have made different choices (when in fact they couldn't as if they "could" have... they would have) but as we look back we believe they could so we judge and condemn the child and feel ashamed of them. Forgetting that the child didn't and couldn't understand because the parts of the brain that are needed to understand weren't developed and won't be until early 20's. That ,,,,,and the reality is it's extremely difficult for us to forget what we now know and truly put ourselves back in time and place and view the world and the situation we were in with the same level of understanding and emotional development the child had when the abuse was occurring....if we could we certainly wouldn't view ourselves in a negative light so many do or be carrying shame...it's maddening because when asked about another child in the exact same situation if they blame to child and the answer is always no!

I think the reason they don't is...when coming from full understanding the survivor knows it's never the child's fault, the blame rests solely with the abuser regardless of what the child does. And many if not all using just logic and reason understands this and will usually even admit that in their own situation that the child was faultless and blameless too. Yet will say this in one breath then go right back to feeling shame. Why?

I've learned there's "intellectual" understanding and "emotional" understanding. That at some point the child self lacking true understanding, still emotionally immature and in the the middle of an emotionally charged situation is still thinking all the time, evaluating and making decisions....including based on age at some point come to an understanding of what's right and wrong in terms of what's happening with them and comes to understand what's happening is wrong (this understanding tends to be very black and white and concrete...a child's understanding) but they understand it's wrong and bad yet continues to engage without resistance...(there can be mutiple reasons for this) but one of which is, by this point the child has become sexualized, their body is responding and this is causing cognitive dissidence, they want it to stop because they now know it's wrong but at the same time don't want to stop and sometimes may even initiate the contact but regardless the abuse continues for this and other reasons....however the child focuses solely on the ambivalence they feel and concludes (incorrectly I might add) that there's something wrong with them, that they're bad and begin blaming themselves and with it the shame comes and this gets reinforced over and over as long as the abuse continues and continues right into adulthood and remains there. This false belief is based on distorted thinking because they weren't capable of understanding the larger picture (since they can't know what they don't know they believe what they believe then as the truth) they are bad and have some blame on them and this becomes fully incorporated into the child's belief about themselves and their forming identity and gets so firmly set into place that even later when they can fully understand what happened ..can know intellectually they are not to blame but the long held emotional belief remains in tact...and this deeply held belief is very resistant to change.

As people here have responded to you and to others courageous enough to talk about their shame, ALL the replies tell you that you have nothing to be ashamed of, that the shame is all on your abuser. While this is the absolute truth, I'd bet while it's nice to hear, your shame remains. It takes time, a lot of work and a lot of repetition for it to finally get through and scrub this false belief from your mind. Your shame is a lie but a lot of healing work must be done before you'll be able to finally accept it. When you can truly and genuinely believe you need not carry any shame....I can only promise you that you can and will get there and release your shame for good if you choose to do the work ...as in the end truth will always prevail if the truth is what you seek. And the truth is you do not need nor should you be carrying and shame.

sadave46,

Thank you for pointing out that both intellectual and emotional understanding are important focuses of healing...at least that's what I heard.

For me, it was the emotional experiences of healing that went deepest. It was only when I actually regressed in a workshop to become the child myself that I was able to see and experience the innocence of my child-self who was being role-played by the facilitator.

I knew intellectually--for by then I was 43--that the abuse was not my fault. But my emotions continued to make me feel that it was my fault; I lambasted myself believing that I could have done something different; that maybe if I hadn't needed love or attention I wouldn't have gotten abused; or if I had said no--tell me how a pre-verbal child manages that--or if I had told; or if there had not been something wrong with me; or if I hadn't enjoyed the sexual rush; and on and on that emotionally charged dialogue of blame and shame would go.

Once I EXPERIENCED my own innocence however, the doorway to healing was opened.

Educating ourselves about the impact of abuse is important, of course. And of equal, if not of more importance, IMO, is the emotional piece.

Your input is welcomed, as usual and I thank you again for weighing in.

xx
SuzA

Great question. I don't think it is a matter of seperating yourself from the shame. I think that may be like losing an arm and not missing it.

Healing from the wounds, i believe is the only way to seperate from the shame.

hope things get better.

rich.

I understand how you feel. I struggle with feeling ashamed and dirty as well. Everyday I struggle with that. I just have to remind myself that I have no reason to be ashamed, because it was NOT my fault, it was his fault. I am sorry you are going through this and I hope things get better for you. Know that you are never alone.