I am so sorry you are going through this. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. I know you understand that in your head, but if you are like me , your heart likes to argue with your head. The last few months I found myself tangled up in my own feelings and thoughts. It's like trying to neatly fold a king sized fitted sheet.....sometimes you need someone to hold the other end of it for you while you straighten it out. I just started working with a therapist. It is giving me hope that he will help me sort out all those things racing through my mind.
Hang in there. You are not alone.

Thank you CecilBGreen for your encouraging comments. I am going to find a good therapist and get back in counseling. But really, thank you for your response.

I also feel a lot of shame that I have suffered with all my life. I've been in therapy off and on for 25 years. I believe therapy is essential especially to explore the feelings and the support to bring the shame out in the open. I also attend Al-anon meetings and I meditate. I'm not religious but am spiritual and I believe that is where healing takes place. I use meditation to connect with the spiritual part of me and use that part to connect with the shamed part and let that part know that I have compassion for him and will protect him. I will not say this is perfect because I do carry a lot of baggage from the abuse. Healing from the shame is different from changing the old coping skills.

I use mindfulness to be aware of what my triggers are and how I react to them. I also write it down in my journal. I try to find a little time to write every day.

It is easy to feel that way and I believe that is what the abusers want you to feel. Its hard to get away from them. I am working through them myself and having flashbacks and remembering all of my abuse. Very scary. I have fibro and hemlipalegic migranes(stroke like symptoms) I also have pstd. I have really bad days and go back and forth about how could they do such a thing and why. But I always also think what God has in store for me and what I did to get me through the first time through. I wrote poetry songs and wrote a journal. I was very strong willed . I believe Jesus helped me through with his guardian angels that protected me . I have a hard time dealing with certain things though, I am going to a Christian Counselor and works with horses. I look forward to going every time I go. It helps me to deal with others and gets me grounded. My husband is a great support. I try to do things that makes me happy so I can distract myself for a time. If you like to write write. To paint paint. These feelings are normal. I just remember times when I had no one to turn to I had the Lord. he could not get me out of the abuse. He was there to and I felt his presence the most whem I needed him the most. I had no one literally to turn to at all. I probably had a few friends but no one I could tell to get me out. I tried. I repented and asked the Lord to save me and he did. If I did not have him and my family I do not know what I would do. I probably would not be here at all. I would heal the person who was hurt and do thing that she would enjoy. I am pamering my child and If you feel shame ask yourself why are you feeling that way. I ask questions to myself a lot and a lot I can think of why I do or did. If I feel shame. I remind myself It was not my fault and put the blame where it belongs. If I feel anger I ask why and where it is coming from. Sometimes if you feel angry , Feel angry. hit a pillow , scream if need be get it out. Feel your feeling and let them become apart of you and accept you can feel that way. but even though you may feel shame. Its ok . You know how many people seem like they have together and really don't. You are not alone. I will pray you have clarity and heal. I suffered literally from a young child maybe even to 1 years to adult hood . I was abused drugged and tortured and thrown way and treated like trash all my life. I am remembering I can put it behind me . its like my life is making sense. I was always depressed and missed most of my child hood . I don't like the flashbacks. but I am glad I feel more free.than I ever have before and I feel like a wall is not up and I am looking over my shoulder. I have a long way to go and I hope you are patient with yourself and be kind to yourself.also. I will pray for you!

Thank you so much Sugarbear, Oldrolly, Cecil, and Loum50 for your kind and supportive words. I am making it ok. I think it was good for me to write how I really feel. I often try to sugarcoat my feelings, so I think it was good for me to just put them out there, so I can identify what I need to work on. I'm working on accepting myself right now.

Twyliah-
I wish there were some magic words or phrase that would allow survivors to just "dump" the shame and guilt that often follows them for years following the abuse. There isn't. You did not get where you are overnight and unfortunately you will not be able to just change you thinking that quickly either. Again, I wish there were some quick-fix to this, but I learned a long time ago - quick fixes don't last long. It takes time to heal and the most productive and positive thing you can do is to be honest with yourself and others about your feelings. No matter how you present them, they will be the same to you until you are able to make some headway in that area.
For me, the healing has been slow - I really did not trust anyone and counselors often seemed as screwed up as I was. Then I met a really good one - and it took several before I got to him. But he really made a difference.
Give yourself time and be patient. If you would not blame other victims for being abused, then try to see yourself as you were - an innocent victim. I used to put notes where only I would see them, and check them daily - some little thing like "it was not you that were abusive" or "you did nothing to deserve abuse". They did seem to help sometimes. Positive affirmation helps "balance" the negative imprints that are left from the abuse. And with time, help and support you will see progress. Keep trying - you have a lot of people here who are on your side!
All my best-
Refuse2quit

I agree with OldRolly that the longer you hang on to the negative emotions, the harder they are to get rid of, but again, few of us can just drop them and go on; it just isn't always that easy. I worked hard for several years before I could overcome my "negative programming", but it was worth every second of it and more, as I was able to move past it. Just don't give up on it - you can get past it too!
All my best again-
Refuse2quit

twyliah,

What is shame to you? What does it mean?

And if you believe, as I did, that shame is the essence of who you are rather than what was done to you, what do you do to discover who you really are?

Or do you even think there is a person apart from the webs of shame?

For me, twyliah, the key to my own healing is reflected in the words of Goethe, German writer and artist, who said:

"As soon as you trust yourself you will know how to live."

I believe it's that journey towards self-trust that will put an end to the shame and confusion.

xx
SuzA

Hello Twyliah. Shame, as you can see by all the posts, is a part of all of us who have survived abuse. Our abusers often told us repeatedly that we were bad, that we deserved the abuse and that we were not worthy of anything other than abuse. All of which were lies fed to us to keep us loyal to the abuser. Shaming us was part of this control. I look at healing from abuse in steps, like the 5 steps of grieving: Denial, Anger, Bargaining (what could I have done to save myself), Depression, and Acceptance. Of course there are many levels within each step but I think you get the idea of what I'm trying to say. We also don't go through the steps in order and we may even bounce back and forth between them - I know I did.

I agree with everyone here, a good therapist, time and patience are your friend. Being conscious of your negative self talk and turning it into positive self talk is key. When you feel shame and all the negative thoughts that accompany it try to change it to "I am not to blame. I am a good person who didn't deserve what he/she/they did to me".

Good luck. Please keep chatting with us.

Also - Learn to talk back to that "little voice in your head' - the one that tells you all the negative crap. Refute it, deny it, tell it to shut the F*&K UP - it is a mental training exercise and if you are like me, you will have to do it several times a day, an hour or a minute, depending on you mood, stress, etc.
Reverberations of the abuse - they keep ringing until you silence them. And SuzA66 is right, sometimes it comes down to trusting yourself.
Keep after it - it does change in time.
My Best-
Refuse2quit

So true Refuse2Quit! I also shout at my negative self talk. My first reaction when I notice is it NO! and after that I fell my thoughts with loving positive thoughts for myself and all my inner children.

Good point. So glad you made it. :-)

I love the idea of talking back to my negative voice. I have started it today and it did two things, it made me notice my negative thought and it made me laugh. I didn't even get the "empowered" feeling yet, but I already feel better. Small steps in the right direction.

OldRolly,

My heart jumped into my throat when I read of your beliefs and I knew from my body response that I had to post a counter-belief.

You said, "...you have been given a life sentence." And, "You will struggle sadly for the rest of your life in relationships with the other sex because you will always be subconsciously on guard."

I suspect there are many survivors who may believe this because that may be their experience to-date. But, I believe with hard work and commitment to healing that a lifetime of struggle ..."in relationships with the other sex..." is NOT inevitable.

I refuse to believe that I am forever doomed to struggle in relationship with the other sex because I know that the brain can be rewired. I have learned to feel my feelings and to express them. I have learned to trust myself and to go to my center for answers.

I know I am more than my experiences of incest, sexual abuse and rape and will continue to refute what I know is a false belief for me--that survivors "...will struggle sadly for the rest of /their/ life in relationships with the other sex...."

This is only a "...life sentence..." if you believe it.

Respectfully,
SuzA
I also believe that no one in this world is exempt from suffering and at some point in healing from trauma our responses to life dovetail with the responses of the typical population.

I totally agree with SuzA66. Twyliah, this is not a life sentence unless you make it a life sentence. You did great talking back to your inner voice - Keep up the good work! You WILL be rewarded.

Keep it positive and know you WILL come out the other side of all this a whole person who simply has a past that included sexual abuse.

Hang in there! You CAN do it!

Hate to "jump on the wagon" but when someone posts such strong statements, it is best if they lead off with "In my opinion" - what you posted sounds like you have factual proof of such, and sorry such proof doesn't exist simply because it is not true for everyone. Generalizations will really get you into hot water on this site - remember you are dealing with a group that has many people who have heard WAY too many direct and negative statements in their lives - they will not be TOLD what they will have in their future.
In reality, I have had two phenomenal relationships, one lasting 21 years, that were (one still is) very rewarding and fulfilling. My current relationship has given me more growth and stability than I thought possible. And it is a pretty normal relationship, nothing out of the ordinary by any means.
Sorry if you believe this way, because it seems that you are speaking from experience, and that just sort of downs me out.
The one thing about DS that I like is that few people TELL YOU what you are in for - they may tell you what they experienced or some of the common pitfalls, but as everyone is different and as had different experiences, even though there are similarities, we will all experience our abuse, and it's aftereffects, in unique and personal ways.
I hope you meant well, I would like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt, but in this group (and in some of the other DS groups) making such "I know exactly what you are going to experience" statements are real No-No's. Learned from experience myself. Your posts have value, just watch your wording. Few of us like to hear what our future holds, especially from someone that does not know us and our lives.
Just a word of advice and caution, meant with respect for you and for the other members.
Refuse2quit