Just because she worked at a rape crisis center it does not mean she is qualified to help you. It is very possible that she could work with people who were in crisis because she may not have had to work with them long term. It's also possible that her own past was not triggered by rape survivors but is triggered by child abuse survivors. No matter her reason, she pushed you away because of HER issues and not because of you. We all make decisions based on how WE feel and not because of others. I would bet anything that you said something that triggered her and, to keep herself safe, she pushed you away. Pushing people away is very 'normal' behavior for someone who has been triggered.

This was not your fault. She hurt you and betrayed your trust. Then, as if that wasn't enough, she told you to go 'do it alone' and to come back when you can make her job easier. She should be ashamed of herself for doing that.

Please find another therapist. You deserve better treatment than that.

Dear LuckyEmpath, ''We all make decisions based on how WE feel and not because of others."" This is so good, I had to write it down. Thank you so much for that golden sentence!

I'm glad that helped you. Took my therapist a long time to get me to understand that. I blamed myself for EVERYTHING. Thank you 'family of mine'.....

heidi, please get this woman out of your head, she does not deserve the time and space she is taking up. she is a disgrace to all those who try to help people. when we dissociate is when we really need help. i assume you're not paying her any more so wish her well and let her go to deal with her own issues without dragging you down. you are perfectly valid in how you are feeing and do not let anyone tell you otherwise or we'll have to send a DS posse to sort them out! keep posting and let us know when you find a decent pdoc who will look after you and your needs. in the meantime we are all here to support you whenever you need it. hugs to you. she's not paying you rent to be in your head so kick her out asap!!!

She is genuinely a good counsellor the problem is me. She's tried to help me I'm just unhelpable. I've always known i wasn't worthy of her help or anyone else's for that matter.

"" I'm just unhelpable"" - this is exactly what we are talking about. This result of her choice to abandon you when you need help. That shame that she caused for you. Instead of supporting you.

Ok Heidi...tell us exactly why this is your fault and why it is not your therapist fault. I'm not trying to sass you....I just want you to really focus on why this could be ALL your fault? Did she give you homework that you refused to do? Did she tell you to stop dissociating and you couldn't do it - which, btw, no one could?

While it is true we all need to be active in our own healing..in fact no one can heal us because we must heal ourselves...we still need guidance and patience. So if you out right refused to do any work to help yourself heal then, ok, you are at fault for not helping yourself. But you are not at fault for her actions. She pushed you away and that is her issue.

Yea she gave me grounding exercise and 2 mindfulness CDs. Sometimes I did them and other times I allowed myself to be absorbed into the feelings. Although it didn't feel like a choice. I should have practiced more rigidly. Motivation, depression and my lack of self worth doesn't help all this. She has gave me loads of homework sheets some which I have done and some I haven't, seriously though I know she thinks I just ain't committed but I really tried to do her sheets sometimes looked at them for hours but find the self esteem ones so difficult to do. So yes from her perspective she's gave me tools I don't always choose to use them.

Love this - So yes (from her perspective) (her not you) she's gave me tools I don't always choose to use them(you practiced your right to choose and you own it). "

I understand that she's right it is my choice but I'm not consciously thinking that way in fact I wish I had committed more.

She is the only person I've ever really been able to trust and yes it's been slow progress at times but from my perspective things have changed. The small things meant the most to me trust. Safety and confidentiality. I can see that from her point I do have a lot of barriers I put up but believe you me I wish I could change that, I trust her 100 per cent and truly believed we would get there. I wish I was a person that didn't dissociate and could talk more freely because believe me that's all I really want. Makes me feel like a failure that I can't do this. Things go around my head and I so want to share them but when it comes to talking I almost freeze and takes I suppose coaching to get me to talk and this is her problem she doesn't feel comfortable doing this as she feels like she's re traumatising me but honestly she isn't and I always feel so relieved afterwards and can see things a bit differently. I feel very stuck now because although I have the tools I don't have a physical person to talk to and she will say do I really need to talk about the memories well to me it feels like I do.

So the only person you are hurting by not doing the exercises is yourself. And it sounds like you already know that. It's still no reason for a therapist to stop seeing you. To abandon you.

To be honest...I didn't do everything my therapist suggested either. There was a time, when I was at my worst, that I did nothing. I was feeling so much terror I felt safe on one couch in my house and in only one position on that couch. For 6 months I did nothing but feel terror and barely move. And I rarely slept. My therapist saw this as a natural part of the healing process for what I had been through and never once abandoned me. She kept telling me what I could do to help myself and didn't get upset if I didn't do them.

Did I delay my own healing? Probably. But I could only do what I could at the time. There was no forcing it to happen.

If you are not doing the homework then now is the time to start doing it. You are only hurting yourself and delaying your own healing by not doing it. And while you are working on yourself, please also work on getting a new therapist.

Do you know what I'm sure I could easily have made up her homework sheets and wrote any old crap but to me it's about being completely honest or I won't get Anywherw was nothing to do with not wanting to do them I just honestly couldn't.

Sounds like it may be possible that her technique and handouts were not a good fit for you. There are MANY styles of therapy meant to help someone heal. And there are so many because we are all different.

The main way I healed was to work with my inner children and with hypnosis. This worked fabulously for me. But there are several people here who don't work with their inner children or simply don't believe in that concept and also tried hypnosis and it didn't work. Others here use EMDR and it works for them. I tried and it was a massive failure. We are all different.

Before you go blaming yourself for EVERYTHING that happened please consider that this therapist got you as far as she could with how she conducts her therapy sessions. Now it is time to move on to the next therapist who can bring you the rest of the way. I am 48 and have been to a dozen therapists in my life. Each one taught me something and then I moved on to the next one. When I found the therapist I am with now I found the one who could bring me to the finish line.

As for not talking in therapy...this is common. This hard sh*t to talk about. It's scary as all hell and it's painful to relive it. That's why hypnosis helped me so much because it was a safe way to remember what happened. You just need to find the way YOU work and heal. And sometimes that's through trial and error with a different therapists.

Yes i understand that. The thought of trusting someone else seems impossible. I have took on board what she said have signed up to do a mindfulness course and will do it rigidly by myself to little to late maybe. For me I feel like I need that physical person to talk to. Maybe that will need to be someone new I'm not sure.