Sexual Abuse Support Group

Sexual abuse is a relative cultural term used to describe sexual relations and behavior between two or more parties which are considered criminally and/or morally offensive. Different types of sexual abuse involve: Non-consensual, forced physical sexual behavior such as rape, incest or sexual assault, or psychological forms of abuse, such as verbal sexual behavior or...

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New-Intimacy Issues Post Sexual Assault

Miki26
Miki26

Hi everyone...I'm new to this group but I've been on the Fibromyalgia group for a couple years. I'm here because a couple weeks ago I learned that what happened in my last relationship (which ended over a year ago) was both emotional abuse and sexual assault. For about 2 years out of the 3 that we were together, I was having health issues (GI problems initially) that made sex miserable for me-I looked like I was pregnant and felt like I had the flu for almost 9 months. My ex claimed that sex was "his only form of stress relief", to which I told him he might want to find something that didn't require a willing participant. Instead he would give me the silent treatment, stomp around the house (we lived together), slam doors, threaten to break up with me, and send me hostile text messages when we weren't together. I have major anxiety that's triggered by being around people who are angry or yelling, which he knew about. So I ended up having sex with him when he asked me to because it would buy me a few hours of peace, even though most of the time I couldn't do it without crying or sometimes having a panic attack. Sometimes he was supportive after, sometimes not. We went to couples' counseling twice, the first counselor basically implied that I shouldn't feel the way I do because "it's not like you've been raped". The second one recommended that we not have sex for 2 weeks to explore "alternate forms of intimacy"-my ex couldn't handle that. Now I'm trying to date again but I'm having trouble with getting attached to people, and I still freeze up and feel a lot of anxiety when things move beyond kissing. I'm 28 and it feels like most men want lots and lots of sex, and between my anxiety and the fibro I can't see how anyone would want to deal with me and my issues. I looked into a sexual assault support group in my area, but couldn't make the meeting time. I can't really afford counseling right now, even with insurance, because I'm going to have some big bills coming up. Does anyone on here have any advice for dealing with intimacy issues like this?

LuckyEmpath
LuckyEmpath
I am very sorry for all you have been through. I can't believe those counselors didn't pick up on the bigger issue which was that you were being abused. That is so shameful and I am sorry you were not supported by them.

Intimacy issues are very common for anyone who has been sexually abused and are difficult to deal with on your own. Some members here have found free counseling by looking on the website Rainn.org perhaps you can try this and see if there is someone available in your area.

You deserve to heal from what happened to you and you can heal. Please keep looking for an affordable therapist in your area. If that doesn't work then please keep coming here and talking to us. ((Hugs))
WallbrownF
WallbrownF
First, welcome to the group and I hope you can find some answers to your questions and solace in our solidarity. Second, I am very sorry that you found yourself in that situation and that you are suffering with fibromyalgia. As a human being, I know that your ex was lying to you. Humans have so many forms of stress relief at their disposal. As a guy, I know he was just wanting sex at the expense of your physical and emotional pain. On top of all of that, your councilor dismissed your pain because he said you hadn't been raped. That whole situation was just horrible. Third, as far as your new situation goes (I'm 28 too, interesting coincidence), as a guy and can honestly say that I do enjoy sexual activities, but I also understand that they are not the only things that make a relationship a relationship. Obviously, you have to be straight forward about your situation and you just have to keep searching for a guy with the same sex drive as you (or that can fulfill their sexual desires in ways that don't hurt you). I don't know what your sex drive is like (whether it be nonexistent or all the way at the other end of the spectrum). If you don't have a sex drive, there are people like that (asexual) whom you can create a relationship with that don't even require sex. However, if you do have a sex drive and you don't know much about your less/non physical options, then you have to find a way to explore them (I'm fairly open minded and comfortable with my sexuality, if you want to discuss them in a private message; or, perhaps my Love would be willing to discuss it with you; whatever makes you comfortable). Last, I also believe that you should seek (good) professional help when you can. I believe that it could help you immensely. Remember that you are a person with feelings and desires too. You are strong and there are people that will love you for who you are. You are not a thing to "deal with"... Love & Hugs. We are here for you.
Miki26
Miki26
Thank you both for your replies. I did look on rainn.org to find the original support group but I will look again for other options. I'm going to be forced to be straightforward about this with romantic partners because it's going to become obvious once we do more than kissing-I can't hide the anxiety that well. My sex drive has always been pretty much nonexistent, even before this, and I think I might be asexual myself; I've just gone from being ambivalent to hating it. I can tolerate kissing but it's never done much for me, once hands start wandering the anxiety sets in. I didn't know about asexuality until this situation was already happening and I have no idea how to go about finding someone who is also asexual...another thing to figure out when I finally can do therapy, I guess
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