i feel like i have broken a rule

i feel scared and i feel a shamed i feel like bad person
i feel like it was yesterday

i nevr thought i would feel like this

i feel disscuted with myself

its ok, this is a safe place to express urself. Thats why I love this site. we can all empathise with each other.
dont feel bad for speaking out. it takes courage and u should be proud. You are not a bad person. Please tell urself that. take care

i said only a smal thing but i have the full thing running in my head im trying to balance it all up,
the room where this used to happnen is across the hall

You alright? I am here for you. I have been crying lately, I just can't stop.

i was 6 and things were not good i was feeling quite thretend by eveything in my life parents were not getting along my sister shut me out iwas closing down in school
i was separted form the classes while they tryed to fix my lesson problems
i was being abandoned on dark roads in the middel of know where at night as punishment for being afailur
and dad would drive away and leve me to panic
my baby siter would drug me up and get drunk she was sleaping with my dad.and mum was quite agressive to me over it.i was not mixing well with kids i got hit quite a lot by older kids i got my head hit so hard of a wall by one gang i had to have stitches ,i got hit on by 5 onetime and i had to kick one down the stairs to save myself he broke his arm
and i got the balmed no one listend i got punished in front of the whole school while they laughed .latter the broken arm boy came back with the friends and they held me while he kicked the crap out of me , more stiches. i coulnd do my work
i would just zone out of class said i was day dreaming so put me in a room by my self and the teacher that i had used to be always hitting me because i coulnt wirte a page in time even though i would hide under the talbles and scream at her...how could life get like this by the age of 6?
then someone said they wanted me and i went with her and for a while it was ok it was like i had a mother again i was special
i was loved and held i had something in my life that wasnt hurting me,
but that was not to last
things started to change
things were not normal but nothing was normal in my life i just wanted it all to stop hurting me.
she said it was ok what was happening but it didnt seem right as she be came less loving

so she started saying sit between my legs ,then it was lay bac kon me, then it was lets tsake outr cloths of
then it was lay on me,then it was can i touch yo, then one day it was "do you know what a fuck is?" i stupily said yes having no idea
she said "i will show you how to fuck me ok" then it was a totaly worse situation

so she would get off? on pushing me insde here while touching me and making me do things i think i only did the things by then from fear of being back to alone by now it was our seacreat the walk back to my room was seeming a long walk by then
one day it stopped and she was gone and i was alonne
again everything around me went on the same.as nothing had happened she had vanished and i now i had to keep quiet. i grew up in my own world i built strange rules about my self life and people.i devlepoed an inviable friend to talk with
i kept it all together till i was 20 and i fel to bits
and ive been on and off falling to bits ever since,
ive had a go at killing myself and became a self halmer for a time.
ive had anabusive relationship that started ok and in the end where she just wanted to hurt me for sexual thrills witch i think is in sane after i told her some of my past.

things are quite a mess really

I'm so sorry for you. I wish there was more I could say to alleviate your pain, but I hope you know that you were not to blame.