I am using this more for venting purposes. And I want to know if anyone else out there understands me? I'm not sure what happened to me. Or if anything even did. I will never know. I just need to get this out.

I'll start here- My father sexually molested my little sister when she was a baby, and up until she was about five I believe. There was no proof, so he never got in any trouble. The only proof there was, was how sick she was and the things she'd say and do. It was right in front of our eyes, this little girl wasn't okay. We didn't need anymore proof than that. Our father obviously was a very sick and evil man to put it lightly. We haven't spoken to him for three years or so. Or seen him. My little sister hates him, and she still remembers what he did to her. She's eight years old now, and she's healthy and a lot better now. She's an amazing smart little girl! And I love her with all my heart.

I've always wondered if I was sexually molested by him as well. And I pray to god that I wasn't, but I have no proof, or hardly a memory for that matter. My mother thinks I was, and I partly do too. She says there was always weird things going on with me. I always had bladder infections growing up, and I was a very sexual child as well. I was well aware of sex and pleasure and everything else, since I was at least five, hell maybe even younger. I already had sexual fantasies. And as horrible, messed up, and screwed up as this will sound, I had this sick sexual fantasy of having sexual acts with monsters and being raped. And I liked it, for some messed up reason. I had to of been under the age of seven. Is this normal for a little girl? I'm not so sure it is. I always felt as though I was a bad person for thinking that way. To be honest I feel really gross just admitting that. But I now know that little girl wasn't a bad person, she just needed some help, and obviously was sick and not in a good state of mind. And looking back as I am almost eighteen, I really don't think that's normal or okay. Why would a little girl think such horrible thoughts? What would make a little girl think that way?? A child would have to be put through trauma of some sort to think something like that, don't you agree?
When I was twelve or thirteen I remember that it was a little after Christmas. My dad got me a portable DVD player for Christmas. I thought it was just the coolest thing that I could watch TV right there in my bed. It was nice, and very expensive I'm sure. I remember being asleep and someone coming into my room a lot. This happened quite a few times. I was always certain it was him, but that's all that I remember really. Except that those nights I would dream of sexual things, and I could feel the pleasure in my dreams. Who knows, it could have been puberty, though I thought it strange because I had never actually drempt of pleasure and sex like that before. It just always seemed so strange to me that the nights when someone came into my room, I had dreams of being pleasured. Normally this probably wouldn't be strange, probably rather normal to a girl who's just coming into her teens and hitting puberty, but the fact that I knew someone was coming into my room at night while I was asleep, it just doesn't seem right. I remember I felt it like it was real, the pleasure. The sick thing was I thought it was great. And I would even wake up the next day wondering if I had pleasured myself while I was sleeping. I even asked my best friend if she had ever done anything like that before while asleep. One night I had fallen asleep watching my portable DVD player right by my side, on my bed. I woke up after one of those strange nights, with the DVD player sitting neatly closed on my side table, by my bed, on the opposite side it was on to begin with. How it got there? I'm not sure. It was so strange to me. I thought maybe he closed it and put it neatly there to be sure it didn't break. How else did it get there? I even asked my mother if she came into my room and put it there. She said no, of course. I thought, he must have been in my room.
But if it was my father, if I was being molested by him, why wouldn't I actually remember those nights? There was no proof. And there never ever will be. At times if feel like I'm blowing it way out of porportion, that this isn't a big deal, and I just need to drop it. But I can't. I'll always be haunted, wondering what happened those nights, if anything at all. Am I making a bigger deal than it needs to be? It's just so frustrating. And I try and try to pull those thoughts up, those memories, think past that point, but I can't get passed seeing the man standing in my doorway. It's stops there. This would probably be normal thing, a father checking on his daughter, only he wasn't a father. He was a child molester! An evil, sick, and heartless bastard!
And maybe this nothing. Maybe nothing happened to me. Maybe t's better that I'm not sure anything happened to me. Maybe it's better that I never know, just in case something did happen to me. But all I know is that I am now a seriously depressed, screwed up, sad and empty girl today, who beats herself in the head and cuts, amongst other things. And I hate myself. And there's a sadness inside me that I'm not sure where it comes from. And it grows and grows. I feel so empty inside and so alone.
I was also very unhappy growing up for the most part. I was depressed, and I would scream and beat myself in the head, scratch myself, and bite myself. I would even sometimes use thumb tacks to scrape myself with.
Basically I just want to know, what would make a child so unhappy and like this, if she wasn't being molested? Does this sound 'normal' to anyone else? Why would I be like this if something 'didn't' happen to me?
I guess I need support. And if anyone else understands my situation? I feel so frustrated and upset.