Not at all. I have also had uncontrolable vivid flashbacks. Sometimes they happen when I try to go to sleep, sometimes when I try to concentrate, sometimes in intimate moments. Do you have someone to support you right now? Do you write? I wrote down my flashbacks and sent them as e-mails back to my attacker. I never got an answer of course. But I felt better afterwords. In this case the attacker was a former foster father and this was decades after the fact. If you are not in a safe place and you don't have distance from your attacker don't do that. I was also raped on the street. I don't know who the attacker was in that case. I can tell you that after years I still have flash backs, although they are less vivid. I think trying to get support and help from friends -- if possible is very important. But of course sometimes the people around you are not supportive. What you are doing now is exactly what you should be doing. Another think I did was I got support from advocacy and feminist groups - they were more active in the Bay Area in the 1980s when I was dealing with this than today. If you are on a college campus there are women's support groups there. In the meantime I would write. If you want, if you think it will help I can send you some of what I wrote. I also did a kind of music video that I have to edit a bit. I'm still new to this web site - just joined today so not so sure how to use it. I'll be watching me e-mail -- I need to take care of the dogs right now -- but when I get back I'll check it - I guess using the "watch this". I can also you add you to my friends if I can figure out how to work that.
Hang in there. One thing's for sure -- your survival is the best victory over your attacker. Your testimony, your witness, your seeking the light for yourself is the best way to fightback and help prevent this from happening to others. Our attackers thrive on our isolation, they thrive on our fear, they thrive on secrecy and obscurity. When come out as survivors and we expose the abuse we give strength to ourselves and each other.
I'll tell one more little story before I take the dogs out. The rape happened 3 weeks before I started college. I was at an orientation for new students and this one male student starts to tell a rape joke to a group of his friends. I looked at him and said, "excuse me, but I was raped 3 weeks ago and I can tell you it's not like that." There was dead silence, no one talked and I walked away. But a day or two later he came up to me and said, "you know you are right, I'll never tell another rape joke. It's not funny."

i'm sorry about the flashbacks...remembering probably indicates that somehow you are more ready to deal with this than before, and some of the walls and barriers are coming down inside. i know that doesn't seem like a good thing, but it is often the thing that gives us the push we need to ask for help...

You are SO not alone. (that's a blessing and a bummer at the same time, i know).

when my flashbacks came, i had known for years that there had been abuse, but i thought it hadn't affected me, it didn't bother me, and had really minimized and disconnected from it. when the flashbacks came, it forced me to face up to the damage, but i'm not sorry. as hard as it sometimes is, those things come up when we are either facing reminders of trauma or have been retraumatized, (and so we need help) or they are a sign that we are safe enough to let down the walls a little, adn this is what starts to pour out, the parts of us that weren't safe before, but still need safety...if it's available around you, it can actually lower your defenses in such a way that the hurt comes out now.

i don't know if either of those situations ring true for you, (if so i hope its the later one) but many people, as they reach close to their 30's, start to have things emerge that had long been pushed aside.

just know that it won't be this hard forever, and that you have a right to seek help.

with concern and care,
em

of course your not the only one. im here if you need 2 talk.

Me too! I cant get them to stop... Im remembering EVERYTHING....

No you are not alone the flashbacks come with the territory I am afraid. It may sound strange but there can a be good side to flashbacks. By remembering the pain we can deal with it and set it free. When we hang onto that pain we stay the victim and we do not move forward. I forgave the man whom violated me not for his sake but my own. I was tired of swimming in the pain and staying his victim for over half my life. I am on a healing path now and fear is slowing fading from my life. I want to walk with my head held high and to move forward. We all heal at different paces but you are not alone anytime you need to talk I am willing to listen.

I'm really losing it now. I saw my therapist today and she made me talk about it out loud. And, now I'm really lost it. I'm afraid I'll have to go back into the hospital again.

talk 2 me

it's hard breaking the silence, adn there's nothing wrong with needing extra support when you've done something that is so challenging. this is a necessary step in healing, but it only lasts for a time. you'll get through this.

I wasin my late 30's early 40's when the flashbacks started becoming a real problem. I have always had some issues but for the most part kept everything under tight control. The flashbacks are the memories, mine also came as nightmares. The flashbacks would get so intense at times they would trigger siezures and/or panic attacks I finally started taking a new drug for them and its working nicely, I rarely have either the flashbacks or the nightmares. I still remember everything but more on my terms and it's easier to push the memory back. Ask your doctor about this.

i keep getting worse :(

No, hun, you're not. Anyone who has been through a traumatic experience will have flashbacks and/or nightmares as an effect. Now, I will tell you something good and something bad. I'll start with the bad. You may never be rid of your flashbacks. No matter how much therapy/counseling you go through it will still happen. However, it will be with less frequency and possibly less intensity. The great thing is that you can learn how to deal with them when you have them through counseling and support. If you are remembering more and more, then it is essential that you know why. As you have gone through a healing process your psyche will remember more because you are READY to see it and be able to handle it. The fact that you are having them with more and more memory of things shows you have made much progress in handling your situation. Much love

No you're not the only one. Has your doc ever talked to you about PTSD?

I agree talk to your doc about PTSD and also there is a medication out there is doing great things for the flashbacks and the nightmares, it was orginally used to control high blood pressure but they are now using it for this, and its great, talk to your doctor about this. If you need the name let me know.

what is that medication called, that you were referring to?

I have flasbacks reg. and I also can still taste him in my mouth and smell him. It sucks and I don't know how to stop it, and when it happens, I cannot have sex, period.I find that it happens to me more when there is oral sex involved, If a man asks me for it, or pushes me to do it, i can't, but if I do it on my own, I'm ok.