I'm so glad you opened this topic, Notalone, because this is, for me, the hardest aspect of the whole thing and the one that is by far the hardest to talk about. I don't even know how to feel or think about it. It wouldn't be fair to condemn ourselves for what is a normal reaction to what was imposed upon us. But I also wonder if it is in our best interest to embrace the distortions that abuse imposed on our sexuality? And do we even have a choice about it?

In a way, I seem to ask the hard questions.. And sometimes the ones that no one wants to talk about...( like this one).
I'm surprised that I've received this many responses too...
I'm happy (in a way) that no one has responded by telling me to bug off, or think I'm trying to cause issues.. (Truely I'm not).
It's also good (and bad) to see some new names here... But that means there are more victims too...

Again, thank you for the responses...


And thank you for not yelling at me...( though I feel that one day, I will cause raff in here by asking the wrong question...
I know o have in the past, I remember one topic that stirred everyone the wrong way..)

I for one like that you ask the hard questions. Talking to you is helping me deal with things and at the end of the day thats why im here. So thanks notalone

The abuse felt really good, and it was so disturbing that I have one alter ( that I know of ) whose job it was to come out for it BECAUSE it felt good.
It was too horrifying; to have it feel good.

Knowing we are ALL sexual creatures (including our abusers) in a way still doesn't help in the thoughts of the past.
And I also understand that rape isn't about sex, but about power... And it's also the most degrading thing a person can do to another... Knowing all this has only helped in my violent rape with the neighbor kid... I have analyzed that whole day so many times that I almost feel like I figured it out... I have waisted the last..... 25+ years reliving that whole day, and the days after..
Mostly understand that it really wasn't my fault, and in a strange twist... Maybe it wasn't 100% his fault either..
I am NOT defending him.. I am NOT saying that I agree with his decision to hurt me...
But as I've stated above, rape has everything to do with power over another person.. And he definitely had power over me.
I'm not saying I wanted it, nor it felt good...or even that I just let him do it... Maybe in a small way I did put my self in that situation... But even knowing that, it still didn't give him the right to do that..

I also believe that what he did to me, was a drop in the bucket compared to what HE was going through at home..
His home was very abusive.. My home was a safe place for him.
I believe that he just couldn't take it anymore... (I hate this next phrase, though I'm going to use it) I think he just snapped and had to release his anger on someone, and he knew I wouldn't fight back..
Yes, I was a very easy target...and I would probably had picked on me...not to this degree, or in an abusive way, but I would had picked in me at that age....but I would had still tried to be friends with me...


The things we learn in our homes whether at the hands of parents, abusers, or random strangers...carries over into ever aspect of our lives.. Many of us never understand why, or where it comes from..
We understand bits and pieces about things we've been through...
Grooming and raising are very close to hand in hand..
Both will shape us for the future..and in a way, because we have been shaped into this 'other person' that our abusers want us to be or be able TO do, we don't always understand that the things we are doing are all wrong..
We all know bad thing never make us feel good, bad things hurt.. Good things feel good, so most of what is happening feels good, so that part of it must be ok...
Then as kids, or even teenagers, or Nieve (sp) young adults.. We want to show something to others..
We are unaware that everything we have learned is wrong..
Sadly some carry on the abuse patterns to others, and create issues with others..

My rapist was taught in his home that pain is what a kid goes through. I don't know 100% what went on in that house, but I know it was bad.
There may had been incest there to, but I do know it was a violent home.. Mostly yelling/fighting/drinking kind of stuff..
My rapist's was an outlet for his dad.. I was an outlet for him...

Looking back at just that one thing with me, caused a lot of issues...(he had taught me that side of violence) and I didn't understand how to deal with it..
Though I was always afraid to talk about it, I never wanted to see him get in trouble...

I don't know... Maybe I'm just telling myself all this stuff hoping I believe it...
Through all the material that I've read, and things I've been through in life... And other stuff... I think I've learned some things...
And I know I'm way off key in other things...
Probably still nieve about some things..

I hope I haven't upset anyone...
I do have other things I want to post but in a new topic..
Might wait a while though... Let everyone relax from this one.

I know some things with me are different, and I have never found anyone here it otherwise who has been through similar things as me...
But the aftermath is kinda all the same.
The thoughts, and feelings, and other stuff is all exactly the same as others...

Please never compare yourself to others... Here or in life...
It will destroy you.

Notalone00

(ps., anyone is always welcome to drop me a line if you want to or care to talk more)

I personally grew up being mulested and I was told it was okay this all started at the age of 4 after a while I did feel like I enjoyed it but at the same time when I was 15 when actual intercourse started happening my body felt it was okay but my head was telling me it wasn't after that I started to be sexually active to make better memories with someone I wasn't really forced to have sex it has affected me now because I feel like I'm very sexually active and now I'm confuse about me liking boys or girls ...
I'm okay with being with a guy but since I had to fake the pleasure with my abuser that I enjoy girls more haven't really done anything with a girl but I feel more attracted

I did :'( until he cut off a certain part of my body... and after that every moment of it was a living Hell.