Coming from a home where my mother was always working, I think at first I did enjoy my father's attentions. But once the abuse started and I had figured out why I was singled out for attention I stopped liking the attention and started to avoid situations the best a child could.

It's a normal reaction. Our bodies are designed to respond to certain stimulation. For me, when my cousin was performing oral sex on me when I was 9-10, yeah it felt good and I had an erection. Doesn't make it right though.

I guess when it first started I guess the grooming period before hand and then the start of the abuse was nice, the attention he gave me id never had from him before as a child. Even though the pyhiscal sex hurt and I bled and was in great pain after sex it felt good like if done something right and achieved something I became good at making him happy. How ever as my age increased and the longer it went on I feared him, I wasn't happy with the attention. It's hard to deal with the fact it feels pyhiscaly good becuase it's not right and when it's happening and ur old enough to know it's not right it's really difficult. It feels dirty. I wanted out but couldn't get out or away. So yes I guess u do enjoy and crave it at some part during the abuse because u can't stop ur body's pyhiscal response and the way it fucks with ur head psychologically and emotionally. However for me it was only in the early years of my abuse that if say i craved it.

I don't know if I enjoyed the sexual abuse from my dad-Too little I guess. I have only flashes of memory and overestimation sensory. My body may have felt good but it's a body response and not our fault still. The sexual assault that happened as a teen DID NOT feel good at all and I wanted him off me. It actually psychically hurt since he pulled and grabbed on my boob.

I think there's a way to lose yourself in physical sensation and it's a relief from unbearable emotional feelings and becomes a kind of high.

Every one whom responded (and those who didn't) I hope I didn't cause any flashbacks, or bad memories... Or anything negative...
I battled with even asking, for fear that I would 'set someone off'.
Not what I was aiming for at all...

Thank you for the responses, and those who messaged me also.
I think Donna summed it up pretty good..
It becomes kinda like a high..

I understand that.. It's like getting lost in ones self..
And yes, I understand... We can't control how our bodies respond, whether it's an erection, or what ever happens... Then the person doing the abuse uses that against us to say "see, you are enjoying this".
Or with mine " you're coming along nicely". As I was getting an erection.....

Any one is still now or always welcome to message me if you want to ask me questions, or expand anything... Or just to say "Hi"..

I have more questions, but I'm not asking those right now...
Not sure if I can right now...

I'm kind of in the middle on this. While at one point I enjoyed what my abuser was doing to me, the more it went on the more I knew it was wrong and I didn't enjoy it at all; I froze and went along with it. So while I didn't enjoy it, I wasn't afraid of what he was doing to me until one time where he was on top of me and kissed me while he was dry humping me.

For a long time I felt really bad about the way I would tend to respond positively to being sexually molested, or at least not fight back very strongly. People would assume I wanted it at some deep level.

But I'm seeing now that wasn't what was happening. When we are abused sexually as children, we don't know it's an attack and we go along with it if it's an authority figure. That's what children do.

Trouble is, it then becomes a learned response if you know what those are. So when we are sexually assaulted as adults we tend to fall into the learned response automatically. Then our attacker thinks they've found someone who, deep inside, really does want it.

I think the fact that we may respond sexually or emotionally to some degree is irrelevant. it's the giving of permission at a conscious level that's important. We feel guilty when we seem to unconsciously "want it"...when obviously it's not something we want to happen at all.

In the end it all comes down to choice. What is it we rationally choose to do?...not what do our bodies respond to in some learned, automated way. If we don't want to be groped or whatever, then we are being sexually assaulted. Anything else is just a scam, an excuse to take advantage of a weakness we have because of our childhood.

I like what you wrote Richie, because it fits in well with my experience. I feel that reflexes were implanted in me that made me vulnerable. It's one reason I had to be a little fat all my life to keep men away. I have lived in terror of those reflexes.

Thank you for the additional comments. Again, I really hope I'm not causing anyone issues..

I was thinking of my past while I was reading these comments.. One thing that stuck out was...
That I didn't want it to happen, but I did look forward to the feelings.
The touch or the reflexes that happen later were because if the things we've been through..
One of the things I remember as a kid (and even now at times) is that the head of my penis is beyond sensitive.. More than just the sexual thing... If I touch it just right, I can get myself to jump out of my skin...feeling..
I twitch, my whole body. I don't respond sexually, but I do twitch.

Also if some one touches my leg, even if I'm watching them do it, I jump.. Always have as long as I can remember...

The things we learn or are taught as kids carries over to much later years...whether good or bad.
Really does create puzzle pieces in life that is really difficult to figure out the whole picture..
(Hope this next statement isn't taken wrong...)

In a way, I'm lucky and unlucky that there are parts that I wish I could remember, and in a way wish I could... Then there's others out there who DO remember those things, and wish they could forget them..
Neither of us understand how or why the other would want to (remember or forget) those things..

Over the years I had forgotten about being molested, but had no idea why I was the way I was growing up. Anger, and violence towards myself..even at a young age. I remember wanting to cause some pretty bad harm to myself...not death, but harm..

I think I better stop for now... I don't want to upset anyone...never mind me.. As always, more worried about everyone else...

All of y'all are amazing, and wonderful folks...
I don't deserve anything, Please no comments about me.

I think it is physically a normal response, but once we are in situations where we have an opportunity to make a choice, we can get drawn into a playback of the past. I really appreciate what Richie said ... I can't articulate right now what I think about this but Richie did so in just the way I would like to be able to articulate now.

It's terrifying to think it could happen again regardless of my intellectual choice. Similar to what donnawanda said, I am feeling the urge to gain weight to avoid attention.

Please don't decide to go 'ugly' on account of our pasts....
In a way, wouldn't that mean 'they' win?
Being told that I would not amount to anything, or that I should of been born a girl. Or had I been born a girl, what they would do to me...
Or just calling me a sissy, little bit**, and other derogatory things... You start to beilve. It's been a long and rough childhood..

Falling asleep as I yep. Brain is deact

I have stayed away from this topic until I had a day where I could go there. There is no judgement towards you here, I can appreciate why this would sound odd / weird etc to anyone who has not walked this path. In this space, we are different.

I am not sure I would use the word enjoy, it became a way of being wanted, accepted, and despite the nature of it, yes there was a pleasure of some form derived from it.

The abuse trickled into my relationships and sadly plays a role in the death of my marriage which I am currently living through. The incredibly sad part is that as I watch this, it triggers levels of abuse which leave me in a frenzied state of panic and anxiety.

What was done to me has trickled into my needs. It feels like a beast that lives in the corner. It is not that I want to relive the moment of abuse but sadly the abuse shaped my ability to be sexually satisfied. It was / is a need to have some of this acted out upon me again.

I am nervous about being able to find a future partner, scared of the sexual side of the relationship. I am scared of being alone, but also due to trust issue's I am a bit of a disaster.

So in short I understand. I get it. It is the parting gift that seems some days to never stop giving. I hope you find peace, I hope you find what we missed and what I believe we want more than anything else. Be safe, be blessed and hello.

Doesn't everyone enjoy attention? Doesn't everyone enjoy being loved? That's what is so confusing about abuse; sometimes it's not abuse. Sometimes it even feels good emotionally and physically. It did for m, until it didn't. The worse was not the rape itself but the shame and the hiding and the secrets and the fear of being found out for months and months. I was a nervous wreck. I got sick. That's the crux: Feelings of acceptance vs. Fear of Discovery.

I struggle everyday with the shame of enjoying what happened to me. Ive been discusted with myself for as lomg as ive known better. I know 8 year olds can't give consent but i can't let go of how my rapist made me feel. The things he said to me and how they influenced my sexual behavior later in life.