My heartbreaks for you, and I want you to be safe. What you are doing right now is not safe, and in the end it is only hurting you. And please here that I am not judging you, your choice to seek sex out even when you do not like it is understandable.

Have you thought about seeing a therapist? He or she would be able to help you work through some of this stuff. I have found that my therapist to be my sounding board and life line some days. And she has never once judged me for anything I have said or done.

Please stay safe!

Unfortunately, it is fairly normal for those of us who have been sexually abused. I can only speak for myself, but I have heard similar thoughts from others. I confused sex and love. I thought sex means love. My abuser made me feel wanted and accepted and I was secure in that. I also was never forced and took part willingly. Even though I was told that I was "queer," that it was very wrong, and that I should be ashamed I really never felt that way. As long as I can remember having sex has always been very important to me. I have never been very selective about partners. I have problems staying monogamous in romantic relationships. While I had affairs on the side for much of my life, as I have gained self esteem, I have become more honest with potential partners. Today, I do not promise monogamy. I date around. I am amazed that women remain interested in having a relationship with me after I tell them of that characteristic. I am old, not rich and straight, but still have more different partners per year than any one of my age that I know. I am very careful and have never had an STD. I am happy and my women friends seem to be too.

Its your way of deal with it. I did too for a little bit that's why I was taken advantage a few times I was very young though and I know they took advantage of a defenseless scared and confused girl. But I still did have a bit of a more risk a phase. I also wore those short shorts and tank tops. But if I were you I would maybe hold off on sex until you know you are ready. Its what I did and I am glad I did. Once you are more ready it wont be so upsetting. If your not ready voice it. And you arent if you feel this way, talk to your therapist if possibly maybe they can help you work on the deep emotions rooted to this and break the cycle of that phase.

My heart goes to you, big hugs!

I find myself doing the same thing. The first year after I slept with lots of guys that I had no feelings for and I hated it. I was uncomfortable the whole time and just wanted it to be over. I kind of think that I was trying to fill this emptiness inside of me. Like I am trying to find the guy that will make sex feel normal again. But now I hate sex, it means nothing to me, so I don't really care who I have sex with. It makes me feel like shit, but hopefully someday things will get better and sex will be able to mean something for me, but for now its emotionless discomfort.

thanks guys for all your help. at the time i want to have sex and im alway's the one who brings it up and the guy's just follow my lead. but once i get there or they come here i no longer want to have sex i just want to leave or just hang out but i can't cuz now they already have the idea that we are having sex. i guess that thought of them being mad and just raping me comes to my mind then so i just do it anyway's. i guess i think if i just do it there's no way i can then be raped ya know? sometimes i will say no if the guy is asking me but once i bring it up to the guy and say i will then i alway's do. i want that to change.

NO MEANS NO! It doesnt matter if you are in your undies making out if you say to stop or no then they should respect that, if not then it is rape.

You should never be afraid to tell how you feel.

I think its you want attention from them but seek it in a negative way for you. Try and ask them to go and hang out and grab some food or coffee some place public so you wont want sex but you get what it is you are really seeking. I could be wrong but I think its what might be going on.

You can change but YOU have to do it inside your head and heart. When you want to say lets have sex say lets go talk or lets go get some food or hey lets go to the beach and hang out. Use things you want to do with them other then sex and go with those ideas and it should help. Also if you feel you are ever uncomfortable with someone tell them. Dont just go along with it. Its your body and your choice.

like i do want to have sex and i want it up untill the part where we start having sex then it hurts and i want to stop but don't have the power to say stop.

Sweetie, if you don't have the power to say, 'stop' then it's best you don't get started. I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'll fill you in on a little about myself. I was sexually abused and when I hit the dating scene, I ALWAYS figured that by the third date, I'd HAVE to have sex with the person. I don't know why my mind told me that, but I obeyed it for a long time. When I learned the power of saying, 'no' it gave me the the power to have the rights over my own body. Plus, I have a concern about something else you said. You said when you actually get to the sex act, it hurts? Have you been checked out by a gynecologist? You may have scarring that is impairing you.

Do you see a therapist? If not, perhaps you should consider such. And as LeanneK said, 'Please stay safe!'

I'm keeping you on my mind and in my heart.
peace and love ... Kyle Anne

ya im seeing a therapist. but im scared to talk to her about this. im scared to talk to her about anything.

If you cant talk to your therapist then you cant talk to anyone. :)

I think maybe a new one is in order one whom you trust and can speak freely about things like this that really effect you.

I hope you find ways to say no remember just go some place high up and SCREAM you got a voice I know you do. ;)

HUGS

ya i got a new therapist. i hope this one works out. i think it will, i already like her so that's good. she's more calming and not so like judging as my last one was. lol i know i got a voice just not sure how to use it i guess. thanks for all the support tho it means alot!

I sometimes get scared about talking to a therapist. But they are in no position to judge you. Think of them as your "other" conscience. I get impulsions all the time to have sex with random people, even though I have a boyfriend. But even though I get these thoughts, I still find it hard to be intimate even with my bf. I know that they are only thoughts and that I would get hurt and be sad if I was to go out and give myself away so easily.
You just need to do things for you first, things that make you feel good and safe. Then, once you know how to listen to yourself and are comfortable saying "no", you could move onto other things.

idk why i have sex i don't even like it, it hurts and i go numb. it's not enjoyable and i don't even get an orgasim from it i don't even feel anything from it but yet i still want it. i think next time it will be different. maybe next time i'll feel something other then hurt or numbness but i never do. i alway's feel like a slut after and worthless. i hate it and i hate myself for not being able to say no, for putting msyelf in these situations.

no i just had problems having sex at all ,in the last 5 months i finally did.

I did this all the time until a couple of years ago. I think I wanted to be 'normal'. I wanted to enjoy sex and have a healthy attitude to it like all my friends so I would go out hook up with guys and have sex with them. And it was always ok right until the actual sex. I have lost count of how many times I have silently cried during sex but the guy never noticed because they didnt care. It wasnt their fault it was all me. I was never forced into anything but I could never stop it once it started. I didnt want them to think I was a cock tease so I kept quiet and just let them get on with it.

I always thought next time would be better but it never was. I think its because I never slept with anyone I cared about. It was always a one night stand and if someone wanted to get to know me I freaked out.

Anyway I am in therapy now and although we havent discussed this particular issue yet I'm sure we will.

Until then I have decided not to put myself through this anymore and have not had sex in a long time.

Hope it helps you to know that you're not alone in feeling like this. And I am sure that by working through our issues we will both beable to have proper relationships in the future.