When my late husband and I used to have little chats ABOUT OUR FORMER spouses, he confided in me that he could not stand his ex-wife's smell! There was an odor about her that turned him completely off. Apparently he did not notice it during their courtship, so perhaps (I am thinking) she might have let her hygiene go AFTER THEY WERE MARRIED? She was a registered nurse so she surely knew better.

I do know that it was my husband's personal scent that turned me on, right until the day he died, so perhaps we are on to something here?

Just trying to help! Good luck.

KK

My blunt advice to you is also the advice I need to heed myself......my story has many similarities.

You deserve so much better and you will find that. Your kids deserve to have a happy well adjusted mom and an authentic family life, not one that is “a half-truth” based on denial. The intimacy issues here are a symptom of your spouse’s much more profound problems, which they need to own.

You do not deserve to suffer from these feelings of inadequacy, unattractive ness, and unfulfilled longing. You’re not the broken one here.

Try to express yourself. I keep a journal and you can always come here to vent

Yes, I think you do know how to cope. You came here and expressed yourself. That’s a step. Now take another. All of us have hard days and the desire to hide from the huge issues in our lives is overwhelming. Trying to tackle one one at a time gives some relief. Even if you can’t accomplish a solution. Just being aware and doing something to change your life is a start. Waiting for change takes more energy than actually changing. And it’s less painful because one way or another you can feel better about yourself. And every good in our lives starts there. When I started to finally talk with LL about our marriage problems it was scary. I had to accept that we may not be able to resolve our issues. The change of mind set in this realization changed me. Now I am living in the moment, enjoying the time we do have together and that’s lead to growing. But that’s my situation. As you can see here, it may be the exception. What I’m trying to say is I have to face my fear of losing LL to be happy. Once you get through that obstacle, it becomes possible to see that you will survive the other side. Believe it or not!!! Just like cleaning out a neglected closet, once you start, it isn’t as hard as you thought. You may even find a treasure or two. Like your individuality. That’s my advice. When we drop the weight we’ve been carrying it seems crazy after that we resigned ourselves to carry it in the first place!! I have strong shoulders but I was struggling too. Walking straight again is allowing my self confidence back.

Thank you finallyawake. I have been doing little things to try and keep myself happy. I have been listening to my classical music which is a good way for me to vent; the orchestra used to be my life. I have also found talking here is good in that I don't feel so alone anymore. I have been so sad lately I am struggling just to survive, I think it may be time to see a counselor again, by myself this time.

See, forward motion. We are going to see therapists individually also. Marriage counseling was a bad experience for us for all the wrong reasons unfortunately. Would like that chance again but we would have to do a lot more growing first. And the counselor would have to be an advanced life form. I am pretty lonely too, but for different reasons. So this site has been really helpful, like you, to not feel so lonely. I do embrace it because it allowed me the needed time to work on myself, but now I am looking for healthy ways to meet people. I’m glad to see new members here as it gets slow. This group has been a sort of stepping stone for me. Guess you’re feeling that too. I check in a few times a day between activities sort of as a reward for achieving various goals. I don’t watch tv or do anything else online so I feel justified taking the time for myself here. I’m trying to do positive things for myself and this is a positive guilty pleasure. Make sense? Anyway, nice to have you here!

Baby girl, it's not you. my heart is with you <3.

the same would happen to me 5 years later he left. Just up and left. You would have thought that I would have been the one to leave as sexually frustrated as I was or even that I would have cheated. NOPE! I sat there praying, begging, pleading and he still left. Being in a sexless marriage is not only selfish it is frustrating to go through. Other than being in a sexless marriage we had a good marriage aside for the occasional money issue. To this day, I cannot believe that this has happened to me and get this. He left for a girl 33 with three children by three different baby daddies, married twice and widowed twice who doesn't work and don't plan on finding work. I just don't get it. No one values vows, commitment or respect these days.

I get the vow/commitment thing. I think it is taking a back seat to the apparent ease of disposing of one relationship only to bring the issues into the next. Speaking from my experience, having the chance to work out conflicts while in the problem relationship Before moving on is ideal and the healthy choice. I am deeply involved in healing the hurts in my marriage. And it’s really hard!! But I am proud of us for trying. Best case, we work it out, worst; we part as intimate friends who respect and understand one another. One of the things we ask eachother is; were we happy at any point. And to be honest, while we were content for a while, I don’t think we were ever happy. We couldn’t have been because we never learned to share on a completely vulnerable level. And if you are keeping eachother, even a little separate, then the relationship is flawed from the start. Can only achieve best friend/roommate status. And in my case, (long term marriage), become family. But that’s still not all of it. I have finally gotten brave enough to want it all. I know that rocking the boat could capsize it. But then we will just get wet. We won’t drown. And that’s a change. So shreadedheart, with this in mind, and being honest with yourself, DID you have a good marriage even without the sex? Really?? It took me the last six months to answer that, so take your time. This is the stuff that can make a great relationship if we all can get there. Hint: for me I had to let go of my ego. I didn’t even think I had one left, but it was in there, damaged and forgotten but still affecting my decisions. With or without being aware. I want to help not judge so I hope you all see where I am coming from, and, more importantly, where I’d like to see us going!

How you doing kiddo?

He "sold them"? ?? Can you talk at a feeling level with him? will he listen to how this makes you feel? I'm, guessing his libido was different before the wedding or you would have known?

His libido was only slightly better before the wedding. It wasn't until the wedding that I really started to realize something was wrong. Before we were married we both worked very labor intensive jobs on our feet and around 50 hours a week. He always complained of being tired, and I believed him. But when he didn't have sex with me on our wedding night, or once during our two week honeymoon in Hawaii (not tired from working then), I realized this wasn't normal. I have tried everything I can possible think of to work through this issue, but he won't talk about it and refuses to see how much it hurts me. A few weeks ago he told me our sex life was "fine"; and last night he said he was just in "a slump". An 8-year slump?? Last night we ( I ) decided that it is over. I love him, and want him to be happy, but I deserve to be happy too.

Hi Meta. So sorry about the crappy situation you are in. You have to put your own needs first and sex is a basic need. As others have said, you really do deserve better than living with this abuser. Move on and promise yourself some happiness. TR

"...refuses to see how much it hurts me..." That really hits the nail on the head! And you are a strong person for distilling it down to that essence and forming your conclusion. This can be a chapter in the book of your life, but it definitely doesn't have to be the ending.

And I am very sorry that you have this pain to work through, but it appears this group is a place for you to find support and wisdom.