Sex / Pornography Addiction Support Group
Sexual addiction, also sometimes called sexual compulsion, is a form of psychological addiction to sexual intercourse and other sexual behavior.
"SEX ADDICTION IS NOT ABOUT SEX. It is about pain, it is about brain chemestry, and it is about core beliefs. When those things are addressed properly, the sex naturally responds to the righting of the relationship.
That just might be the most weird thing I've ever heard. That's like saying that heroine addiction isn't about heroine? Really? "
My question is this;
How many of you think that heroine addiction is about heroine? How many think Alcoholism is about alcohol. How may out there think Anger addiction is about anger?
That just might be the most weird thing I've ever heard. That's like saying that heroine addiction isn't about heroine? Really? "
My question is this;
How many of you think that heroine addiction is about heroine? How many think Alcoholism is about alcohol. How may out there think Anger addiction is about anger?
by Marina Margaret Heiss
Profile: INTJ
Revision: 3.1
Date of Revision: 17 Oct 2009
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To outsiders, INTJs may appear to project an aura of "definiteness", of self-confidence. This self-confidence, sometimes mistaken for simple arrogance by the less decisive, is actually of a very specific rather than a general nature; its source lies in the specialized knowledge systems that most INTJs start building at an early age. When it comes to their own areas of expertise -- and INTJs can have several -- they will be able to tell you almost immediately whether or not they can help you, and if so, how. INTJs know what they know, and perhaps still more importantly, they know what they don't know.
INTJs are perfectionists, with a seemingly endless capacity for improving upon anything that takes their interest. What prevents them from becoming chronically bogged down in this pursuit of perfection is the pragmatism so characteristic of the type: INTJs apply (often ruthlessly) the criterion "Does it work?" to everything from their own research efforts to the prevailing social norms. This in turn produces an unusual independence of mind, freeing the INTJ from the constraints of authority, convention, or sentiment for its own sake.
INTJs are known as the "Systems Builders" of the types, perhaps in part because they possess the unusual trait combination of imagination and reliability. Whatever system an INTJ happens to be working on is for them the equivalent of a moral cause to an INFJ; both perfectionism and disregard for authority may come into play, as INTJs can be unsparing of both themselves and the others on the project. Anyone considered to be "slacking," including superiors, will lose their respect -- and will generally be made aware of this; INTJs have also been known to take it upon themselves to implement critical decisions without consulting their supervisors or co-workers. On the other hand, they do tend to be scrupulous and even-handed about recognizing the individual contributions that have gone into a project, and have a gift for seizing opportunities which others might not even notice.
In the broadest terms, what INTJs "do" tends to be what they "know". Typical INTJ career choices are in the sciences and engineering, but they can be found wherever a combination of intellect and incisiveness are required (e.g., law, some areas of academia). INTJs can rise to management positions when they are willing to invest time in marketing their abilities as well as enhancing them, and (whether for the sake of ambition or the desire for privacy) many also find it useful to learn to simulate some degree of surface conformism in order to mask their inherent unconventionality.
Personal relationships, particularly romantic ones, can be the INTJ's Achilles heel. While they are capable of caring deeply for others (usually a select few), and are willing to spend a great deal of time and effort on a relationship, the knowledge and self-confidence that make them so successful in other areas can suddenly abandon or mislead them in interpersonal situations.
This happens in part because many INTJs do not readily grasp the social rituals; for instance, they tend to have little patience and less understanding of such things as small talk and flirtation (which most types consider half the fun of a relationship). To complicate matters, INTJs are usually extremely private people, and can often be naturally impassive as well, which makes them easy to misread and misunderstand. Perhaps the most fundamental problem, however, is that INTJs really want people to make sense. :-) This sometimes results in a peculiar naivete', paralleling that of many Fs -- only instead of expecting inexhaustible affection and empathy from a romantic relationship, the INTJ will expect inexhaustible reasonability and directness.
Probably the strongest INTJ assets in the interpersonal area are their intuitive abilities and their willingness to "work at" a relationship. Although as Ts they do not always have the kind of natural empathy that many Fs do, the Intuitive function can often act as a good substitute by synthesizing the probable meanings behind such things as tone of voice, turn of phrase, and facial expression. This ability can then be honed and directed by consistent, repeated efforts to understand and support those they care about, and those relationships which ultimately do become established with an INTJ tend to be characterized by their robustness, stability, and good communications.
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Functional Analysis
by Joe Butt
Introverted iNtuition
INTJs are idea people. Anything is possible; everything is negotiable. Whatever the outer circumstances, INTJs are ever perceiving inner pattern-forms and using real-world materials to operationalize them. Others may see what is and wonder why; INTJs see what might be and say "Why not?!" Paradoxes, antinomies, and other contradictory phenomena aptly express these intuitors' amusement at those whom they feel may be taking a particular view of reality too seriously. INTJs enjoy developing unique solutions to complex problems.
Extraverted Thinking
Thinking in this auxiliary role is a workhorse. Closure is the payoff for efforts expended. Evaluation begs diagnosis; product drives process. As they come to light, Thinking tends, protects, affirms and directs iNtuition's offspring, fully equipping them for fulfilling and useful lives. A faithful pedagogue, Thinking argues not so much on its own behalf, but in defense of its charges. And through this process these impressionable ideas take on the likeness of their master.
Introverted Feeling
Feeling has a modest inner room, two doors down from the Most Imminent iNtuition. It doesn't get out much, but lends its influence on behalf of causes which are Good and Worthy and Humane. We may catch a glimpse of it in the unspoken attitude of good will, or the gracious smile or nod. Some question the existence of Feeling in this type, yet its unseen balance to Thinking is a cardinal dimension in the full measure of the INTJ's soul.
Extraverted Sensing
Sensing serves with a good will, or not at all. As other inferior functions, it has only a rudimentary awareness of context, amount or degree. Thus INTJs sweat the details or, at times, omit them. "I've made up my mind, don't confuse me with the facts" could well have been said by an INTJ on a mission. Sensing's extraverted attitude is evident in this type's bent to savor sensations rather than to merely categorize them. Indiscretions of indulgence are likely an expression of the unconscious vengeance of the inferior.
Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
by Marina Margaret Heiss
Profile: ENFP
Revision: 3.0
Date of Revision: 25 Feb 2005
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[The following comes partially from the archetype, but mostly from my own dealings with ENFPs.]
General: ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on bo th an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.
Social/Personal Relationships: ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and genuinely like people. As SOs/mates they are warm, affectionate (l ots of PDA), and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature ENFPs may need to feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person.
ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; his sometimes results in their negle cting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save the world.
Work Environment: ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Followthrough tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most useful when working in a group w ith a J or two to take up the slack.
ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it.
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Extraverted iNtuitive Feeling Perceiving
by Joe Butt
ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.
ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Som etimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.
One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting.
ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.
ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics.
Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone , especially on a regular basis.
One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.
ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.
Functional Analysis:
Extraverted iNtuition
The physical world, both geos and kosmos, is the ENFP's primary source of information. Rather than sensing things as they are, dominant intuition is sensitive to things as they might be. These extraverted intuitives are most adept with patterns and connections. Their natural inclination is toward relationships, especially among people or living things.
Intuition leans heavily on feeling for meaning and focus. Its best patterns reflect the interesting points of people, giving rise to caricatures of manner, speech and expression.
Introverted Feeling
Auxiliary feeling is nonverbally implied more often than it is openly expressed. When expressed, this logic has an aura of romance and purity that may seem out of place in this flawed, imperfect world. In its own defense, feeling judgement frequently and fleetly gives way to humor. ENFPs who publicize their feelings too often may put off some of the crowd of friends they naturally attract.
Extraverted Thinking
Thinking, the process which runs to impersonal conclusions, holds the extraverted tertiary position. Used on an occasional basis, ENFPs may benefit greatly from this ability. Less mature and lacking the polish of higher order functions, Thinking is not well suited to be used as a prominent function. As with other FP types, the ENFP unwary of Thinking's limitations may find themselves most positively mistaken.
Introverted Sensing
Sensing, the least discernible ENFP function, resides in the inner world where reality is reduced to symbols and icons--ideas representing essences of external realities. Under the influence of the ever-present intuition, the ENFP's sensory perceptions are in danger of being replaced by hypothetical data consistent with pattern and paradigm. When it is protected and nourished, introverted sensing provides information about the fixed. From such firm anchoring ENFPs are best equipped to launch into thousands of plausibilities and curiosities yet to be imagined.
Perhaps the combination of introverted Feeling and childlike introverted Sensing is responsible for the silent pull of ENFPs to the wishes of parents, authority figures and friends. Or perhaps it's the predominance of indecisive intuition in combination with the ambiguity of secondary Fi and tertiary Te that induces these kind souls to capitulate even life-affecting decisions. Whatever the dynamic, ENFPs are strongly influenced by the opinions of their friends.
Your conceptualization of forgiveness is rational, well studied, thought out and still holds back a single thread that is a trap.
Jesus said forgive 70x7. I.e. infinTe. This is not conditional on the perpetrators repentance. That is a condition we place on them that Jesus did not. You has an if statement behind this but there is no if condition in the bible.
Jesus forgave the woman at the well knowing her infidelity in detail. He forgave her and THEN said for her to stop doing it so she could enjoy the freedom his forgiveness gave her. Not as a condition of his forgiveness.
The verse after the lords prayer is ominous in that god Will not forgive if we do not. This is because our unforgiveness is only possible through Adams original sin. We say we are like god in that Jesus death was not enough to pay for the offended our SA exacts o us. They must earn our forgiveness by proving their repentance to US before we allow ourselves to forgive them. This can only be done if wendeny that Jesus already paid for all of it. Which is denying the cross. This is why God can not forgive us if we choose not to forgive.
The conditionality is a block to true forgiveness. It is extremely vulnerable to open your heart to a perpetrator in forgiveness like this. That is why studying SA is so valuable to SO's. They can begin to seperate the true person they love from the broken addict that perpetrates their betrayal.
I will relate my experience with Doug Weiss about "ganging up on the addict". When I have more time. It made the schizophrenia of addiction very clear to me.
The Saducees and Pharisees didn't get quite the same response. I think he said, "you hyprocrites." Didn't sound very conducive to gentle handling. But then they didn't come for forgiveness, nor in repentence, they came for trickery. He saw it. And He addressed them for their behavior...as it stood.
And, those defiling the Temple. Did he speak to them kindly too? No. He plaited a whip. Why? Were they repentent? Realizing their error...or did they have some soul searching to do...about their behavior?
But, maybe, you'd like to discuss the particulars of theological things with me personally. Others might get confused, because they may not be as well read on the subject.
I don't claim to understand all of that. In fact, dealing with the situation at hand has been a formidable challenge...given the complexity of the problem. There are many issues involved. This...for me...was one of them. How to know the difference between the repentent, like the lady washing Christ's feet with her tears, and those in the Temple. And the two on either side at the cross. One was told today you will be with me in paradise. And what of the other?
I do know that it said that they came to trick him. That didn't work very well...and they got called out for it. I'm sure He hoped they'd search themselves for answers? And...I'm sure He hoped they'd find the right ones too. I'm pretty sure that some did and some didn't too.
I don't judge my H's soul...other than to know that he can learn like anyone else..final judgement of his overall life....that's for God to do...his soul...his intent...his purpose. God knows those. I only know the man by his behavior. There is no other way. I can't read his mind, nor his heart, only his behavior. Like the tree in the parable...when it bears fruit...you know what the tree is? seems indicative to me of how to discern another? And ingesting poison isn't something anyone wants to do...so know the tree?
And, I can't really say that what he did is bad or good for my H either....though I've seen some results that seem to indicate a whole plethora of bad results. And...I know that the behavior also led to more behaviors...like lying...deception...and crude actions. Doesn't seem very good from an outside view? And it certainly did no good for me. And...if I as his wife...am to see the best of him...then what do others see? If the salt has lost it's flavor?
I can only judge what is good for me...and what isn't. And...he'll make his own decisions...as he always has. And...he'll receive either benefit or loss...or both...in regards to those decisions.
Maybe that is the problem with being married to a man. Not necessarily a sex addict. I know the sexualization I do is from my addiction, and in recovery I am a great deal more connected with the women i see and my wife than I ever was lusting after every attractive woman.
But you must consider the whole sizing her up that women do to each other when very attractive women walk into a room. My wife and I watched a documentary on the science of sexy. And they measured what men found attractive and the premise was that men find child bearing capacity attractive. Large breasts, 7/10. Waste to hip ratio, happy relaxed confident faces. Maybe we sex addicts overtly sexualize and let lust run away with what is subconsciously suppposed to happen.
I think the failure of infidelity is that SOS must go from, yea she ismhot and I am ok with you being attracted to her because I trust you by mine alone sexually. To. Stop being attracted to her because that always leads you to your betrayal thing.
I don't know. As for me i am working on a silent And polite but firm disregard for all women except my wife. I never allow myself alone with women, and other boundaries. But i am not trying to pretend that the woman in the restraunt that was extremely thin and hugely busty did not attract me. I looked once, hoped her husband enjoyed her as his wife and turned toward my wife to enjoy her.
I dont think the attraction men feel can be "femanized"'. But it does not have to be sexualized either. That is our fight to fight.
When that happened...it wasn't funny anymore at all. The trauma doesn't occur because our mate acknowleges a pretty woman. It comes from when he does a lot more than mere acknowledgment.
I can understand that it would be frustrating for your fiance to have to live with limitations as to what he can and can not do in order to stay in recovery for his addiction. But when you said how you would hope he would respond when an attractive woman walks by.... It's probably never going to happen. He might not say anything. He might get to the point where he thinks she's hot, but only wants you... But you are asking that someone change something that is part of who they are. When someone has an addiction, whether in recovery or not, you do have to change alot. But you also have to make life changes based on what you need to stay in recovery. Every addict is the same, but different. If he needs to never be alone with another woman ever, or not get on facebook, or stay away from whatever his triggers are. It is what it is.
I hope i do not come across callus when I say this. But I think you've heard alot about what addicts, recovered and not, have said on here about their journey. If you do not think that is something you can comfortable live with with your fiance, you may want to rethink a future with him.
And as to what Choose said... My b/f is the most dedicated, sincere, respectful man there is. And I am bisexual. When a gorgeous woman walks by, since he knows I will not take offense, and I can look at a woman and say if she's pretty or not, sometimes he asks if I noticed the "woman walking by". My point being, it's completely normal for most men (and sometimes women) to notice when an attractive person is near. I know it's different if that person is an addict or not. But an addict can't quit going out in public around all attractive people. He/she just has to do what they should do as part of their recovery in response to seeing this person.
I'm glad after seeing how SheenRe says she never will unconditionally love or trust her husband, that I am no longer with my ex husband (that I acted out on so much). To think of staying in a marriage where a spouse may never come to love or trust like that no matter how much you work at your addiction is very disheartening. I can empathize and understand how much it hurts being in the spouses shoes. I really can. It is life shattering and heart breaking. But if an addict spouse can never gain back unconditional love and trust, will it ever be the marriage it should be? IMO, no.
Hope this made sense. I'm still waking up with my first cup of coffee. lol
Your information on the INTJ personality (which is me) was right on target. It's amazing how close they can come with these personality descriptions. And did you know that they've now been able to predict all kinds of things about you based on your personality type? They can tell you where you're likely to shop, how you'll spend your money, where you'll go on your vacation, what your political opinions will be, and where you are most likely to worship (which church, synagogue, or mosque). And the funny thing is, they are usually right. We humans are, in some ways, very predictable creatures.
And to Zoocitygirl, I don't know that I am now any different from any other normal man when it comes to sex or to a pretty woman coming into the room. I'll notice her, of course, and may even comment on her beauty. That's what guys do, okay? But once she leaves the room, I promptly forget about her and go back to whatever I was doing before she came around. I guess what I'm saying is that once the recovering sex addict has worked through everything, they should really be not that much different from any other guy you'd meet on the street, in the bar or nightclub, or at school or your place of employment.
I only need to be aware of a few things and be careful not to let myself cross any boundaries. I can't go into topless or nude nightclubs anymore, but quite frankly, they no longer hold any attraction for me. And I can't watch movies where the major theme is sex, or where a lot of nudity is featured. That means that movies like "Showgirls", "Striptease", "Powder Blue", or "Dancing at the Blue Iguana" are out. But other movies that have very short sex scenes where nudity isn't the dominant theme don't bother me. Now this is just me, and things may not work the same way for other recovering sex addicts. But the idea is that we should all be no different, really, than any other guy you'd meet. Of course, to get to this place, you've got to do the recovery work first.
And finally, to Choose..., the things you're talking about that men find attractive in a woman are the same factors that were advanced in a personality theory called Sociobiology some years ago by Nobel laureate Edward O. Wilson, Ph.D. Basically, it states that men and women look for different things in a mate. The man looks for a woman with "reproductive potential" meaning a woman who is healthy and able to produce healthy children for him. And the easiest way to tell if a woman is healthy is to see if she's attractive. So guys are more attracted to the beautiful women. It's different for women, however. They look for a man with "resources" (meaning money) who is willing to invest some of that money in her and any children she might have. Feminists hate this theory because it makes women out to be nothing but gold diggers. Of course, the men don't fair much better since, according to this theory, all we're really interested in is the blond, blue eyed "airhead". Although there may be some validity to this theory, I think it still needs a bit of work.