ALL addictions are about pain. About escaping a painful reality. This is nothing new and something well established. Wether the pain is from a "chemical imbalance" a broken heart, an abusive childhood. Nothing crazy about it.

Choose, you don't have to scream. That's a boundary violation, remember?

I agree with Soberone... 1000% on this one, Choose... Sexual addiction really has absolutely nothing to do with sex, it has to do with escaping pain by getting a neurochemical "rush" in the brain. If there were some other way to get that "rush", the sex addict would no doubt use it. But there is no other way to get the kind of "rush" they get with sex, so that's why they do what they do. You're a smart guy, Choose..., and you and I have talked about this before, so you've heard what I just said dozens of times before. Why the sudden surprise now?

Charli,

Choose posted a quote from sheen re. It was in response to choose stating that sex addiction is about pain in another thread.

Choose, r u looking to get ur self in trouble?

Chosse,

Why worry about the obvious. You don't need to defend yourself from name callers and sarcastic statements. We support you.

Lorilou

I was actually lashing out because the comment irritated me so much. Would you like to see my first 2 or three drafts?

Actually, I am much better now, I had a stressful day, on the road did not connect with my darling sweetheart all day until late this evening, and I didn't eat until 10 because of a conference call. So I was just not taking care of my self enough to contain myself well. I am OK now, except that I can not sleep yet.

The truth is as I said in the other thread, I feel really sad that she would not understand something so basic like this after all this time.


I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!! Can I shout that?

Great point! And venting is always helpful after a long day of craziness lol. DS is so great to get your frustrations out and find support tis why Ive come back recently after a long time away.

Thanks for the heads up, Soberone... I guess I missed SheenRe's comment. And I apologize to you, Choose... I should have known better than to have expected a comment like that from you.

Choose: No need for you to be angry with me really. I understand what you're saying....from a strictly cause and affect analysis. No emotion allowed. You don't have to yell...really.

The sex brings the rush...the rush is the goal. Like heroin...the rush of the heroin's chemistry on the brain is the goal. I do get that. And, if the heroin addict could feel that good without the side affects on the body, I'm sure they'd take another route. It feels good...so they do it. ...whatever the cost on their body...or the other things in their lives...as in death eventually. I get it.

So, I understand...really I do...my H liked the rush the sex brought, so he did the sex. And he pays the cost with his body. He played with his sexual rush to nearly total impotency. I think heroin addicts often become impotent too...and alcholics I think as well. And he paid with the cost of many things to get his "good" feelings. I get it.

But, emotionally, I don't feel any better about the avenue for the rush. Actually, I could use a really good rush myself. Perhaps there's a route that's less costly? Becuase that one is really costly.

Intimacy is a great rush! Far more fun than sex. Too bad resentment, victim thinking and unforgiveness numbs my ability to be intimate.

I am soo looking forward to step 9!

Thanks Charlie. We're green. How could you have thought anything else with all my screaming.

So what's step nine?

Step Nine, SheenRe, is where you make direct amends to those you have injured as a result of your behaviors, except when to do so would could them some kind of harm.

Hey Choose..., just don't do like I wanted to do. I had plans to go out and make amends to each and every woman I had ever had sex with in my life. That was going to be a neat trick since many of them I only met once (when we had sex), and I didn't know many of their names, nor did I have any idea how to go about finding them.

I then decided I would go ahead and take out a personal ad in the newspaper and issue a generic apology. But my sponsor pointed out that this would not be the "direct amends" the step talked about. I wound up making amends to those whom God led back into my life, and left the rest of them in His hands. If I am to make amends to them, He'll cause our lives to cross paths again.

Charlie said, " But there is no other way to get the kind of "rush" they get with sex, so that's why they do what they do."

I do understand that. I think that is the first thing one "gets" when on the receiving end. He gets his rush from sex elsewhere. Why else would anyone do it? Risk their marriage, their jobs, stability, comfort, security...must be one heck of a rush.

And, believe me...I don't under-estimate it's attraction...the big "rush"... nor the results. I think that I feel really put off when I hear about his big huge "rush." Where it came from..the sex....that produces it...because nothing else feels quite as good as that particular rush. And marital sex just is not a rush...he had to go elsewhere for that...because the rush is far better . So, please forgive me the it's not about sexual feeling. Because that is where his rush comes from...the sex....becaue there's no other way to get it. And, that leaves me precisely no-where in the relationship doesn't it? So, the emotional reaction? Sorry about that...it isn't quite clinical to me.

Thanks Charlie. So..."except when to do so would could them some kind of harm." I've heard where that one includes not revealing the truth to a spouse. Yikes...that's scarey...for the spouse. Because again...someone else is taking over their life decisions. Makes me glad in a way, that my H didn't go to a twelve-step...used AVRT instead...because he might have been encouraged to spare me the pain. Then, I would go on living in...well...I don't even know where I was ever living really. But, I know he would have never stopped without telling the truth...why would he? I really am tossed up about that sometimes....the need to know for valid decisions (as is necessary)...as opposed to the irreparable damage. I wanted to know...I would want to know again...too bad how much damage ensues. Haven't figured quite what to do with that.

So i relented to my sister and got a face book acct. Within a week i had invites from two high school girlfriends. So I deleted my account. I have no intention of contacting sexual partners unless both my wife is comfortable, and God sets the paths like you describe.

Thanks, Bro.