So sorry, Choose - perhaps its my head of blond hair, but I think I FINALLY get your point.

Yes....I think it is very likely for a spouse to blame their SA for their inability to perform orally.

In the case of you and your wife, it sounds like you are defining what "feeling loved" entails, and then blaming her for not conforming to that definition. Eek...that sounds harsher than intended. I simply mean that you don't feel loved because of no orals, but she never saw that as a condition of showing love. But, in her defense, its very possible she see's orals as an "addictive behavior" and not a show of love. That is the rut I am in.

I totally accept and actually got the concept of wives wanting to feel they are the only one by not participating in betrayed behaviors with their husbands. One post said "all I could do at first with my recovering husband was oral because that was the only thing the OW did not do." This is very understandable.
Denying your husband something like this because you have heard only prostitutes do this probably comes from the same place but a little less palatable. Turst me and lots of happy men this is not true. If most of the porn and prostitiution get baid billions to meet this specific desire, I would infer that I am not the only man that has issues with this. Many wives learn to like this like we (not all we's but at least one) learn to like washing the dishes.

I think the real issue is forgiveness not oral sex.

A man becomes resentful of his wife because he feels she is being selfish by not putting effort into working through her inhibitions.

Wives resent being asked for something that disturbs their sense of "being the only one".

Freedom likely comes when both put their spouse above their speific desires, or discomforts

If I desire oral sex, and don't get it, and you desire to be the only one and you don't get that, then we both loose. So how could we both win in this or any other double bind?

I am a female sex addict and I love to give oral sex. Couldn't live without it. I didn't like the idea at first though. It took me awhile to get used to it. He had to be very clean. I started using a condom. I would suggest offering to wear a mint condom and see if that makes it any easier. As far as sex addiction goes, that's a tough one. My marriage does not give me everything I want and I have some unmet needs that are really burning inside of me. It's very hard because my husband and I are not that compatible sexually. I was doing the Christian thing and I did not have sex with him before marriage. I now feel that was a big mistake.

I would hope that God has made provisions for two people who think they are not sexually compatible that HE put together to be able to find a place where sex flows from other places, not from physical desires.

This is what I think I am being asked for. For example, my wife is far less inclined to give me oral sex now than before my recovery. Her obligatory way of doing it left me hurt angry and unfulfilled, but it happened almost every time we had sex. Now she does it when she want to and it is very satisfying. Even though it happens every month or two. We are far more sexually compatible now than when she was doing it all the time and I was acting out all the time. We both have changed, and are becoming more focused on each other so the sex is becomming as I think it shoud be a result of our relational wholeness, not as a result of our individual desires being met.

Another example of this is the fact that what our society says is beautiful changes every few years. I have discovered that keeping my eyes open and watching my wife when I have an orgasm is significantly impacting my reaction to advertisement, and other women. Instead of thinking, "wow she is sexy", I am beginning to think, "she is pertty, but doesn't really look like my wife, so not really that sexy."

Another example of this is wives initiating sex. If they are always waiting for their husbands to initiat, then they always have to decide weather they are in the mood and accept, or not in the mood and defend. What if they decided that saturday was their day. Then they could have all week to go through whatever mysterious process women go through to get to the place where they are really in the mood for sex. And saturday would come along, and we husbands desire to have our wives really desire us sexually would be fulfilled, at the same time you get the sex you decided you really wanted. AND we would not have to wonder when it was going to happen next. And if we were open about this it could be " I will initiate on saturday if you leave me alone on thursday and friday." This way you are free to not worry about sex until your time.

All of these are examples sex becoming sobordiated to other more intimate parts of a relationship. That is what I am suggesting. Sex as a result not as the driver in the relationship.

bump. Its been a year since this thread, and I am noowhere, I can't write now, so I bumped it up to get back to it later.

Wow i forgot this discussion, i enjoyed re-reading it, even to just see some old friends again. But especially to see how much even i have grown in that time.
I look forward to new friends opinions, good idea Choose.

Don't like it all! Never did. Never will.

Hey, you can never talk too much about good blowjobs ! lol Bottom line, i don't have to GET great oral to GIVE great oral ;oP

Calli in Post #43, You said "And as for stopping oral sex before her orgasm...if your reasons are valid, sure. But if its because she won't do it for you, then that just sounds immature."

You said this almost 2 years ago, and I have been cycling on this comment since then.

I have a few questions. Do you still feel this is immature?

What would some "Valid" reasons be for withholding a particular desire your spouse asked you for be?

Do you think it is important for behaviors like this to be mutual or balanced, or is it OK to have one spouse do this to a spouse that will not reciprocate?

If my tone is less than sincere, please look past that as I am trying to get out of the tall weeds without acting out right now. I sincerely value your thoughts, and am curious to know why you feel withdrawing oral sex from someone who is not willing to provide this for their spouse is immature? Why is that immature?

I am very new to this discussion group, but saw this post and wanted to include my thoughts. I think that when people establish relationships for some reason many people are not on the same page as to what they want and need sexually from that relationship. For example, I am not into any of the BDSM stuff, but I am very sexual (actually probably no more so than the average guy). I would prefer to have sex (i.e. all forms of intimate contact) 2-3x/week. I enjoy providing oral as well as I enjoy receiving. I really enjoy commnicating during sex..asking my partner what feels good, what they want me to do, what they like...and I too like my partner to communicate with me. Problem is...I have only been with one person where we OPENLY talked about our desires and dislikes prior to initiating our sexual relationship....and with this person it was great! In others...we "hopped into bed" without really knowing our desires, needs..and over the long haul were never comfortable about discussing it. It seemed great at first, but then slowly fell apart.

I think it is quite natural for many men and women to prefer various forms of sexual interaction...the problem seems to be that we are never on the same page about this to even begin with.

So sorry Choose. I didn't see this because I haven't been on DS in awhile.

In answer to your questions:

1. It seems like your reason for stopping is more of a punishment than a boundary. So, yes, I still see it as immature.

2. My personal view of sex is that EVERYTHING is okay, no sex act is off limits, UNLESS one or both partners are uncomfortable with it. So, if your wife is uncomfortable with oral sex, respect that. If she's okay receiving it and you're okay giving it, so be it. But if giving it to her without her reciprocating causes you to be bitter, than I think you're the one with the problem, not her.

3. With that said, I absolutely believe its okay and almost normal to not reciprocate every act. However, I completely understand where you're at - you want something that she won't give. But stop and realize what you're asking her to do, and if she considers it degrading or gross, than that is the wife you got. Learn to celebrate her.

(I'm not meaning to sound harsh, Choose. Typing just isn't sympathetic.)