So the pooles say this is a personal issue between couples and no steriotypes can be made about it.

SA's do their thing in spite of their wives behaviors

And women who talk at the coffee pot about oral sex think it is giggly.

Cali,

You are right. For me and several SA's I discuss this with, it was very easy to justify our acting out to ouselves because of what we thought we were being deprived of by our wives. I have to point out that the sexual idolotry is the sin and not the desire for oral sex. If I desire it, and my wife has a hang up about it, the fruits of my reaction is either from my flesh or the spirit. This does not mean that her hang up is my responsibility. That is hers.

Too be clear Choose, i did not talk about you, your needs nor your struggle, in talking about this at gym. So i hope you aren't upset.
My gosh no! I can never talk about my life on here, or about this part of my life at all. Such is the stigma of living with sexual addictions.
The chat had turned to a sexual nature, so i seized the moment to help you clarify your need for numbers on this issues. Think Sex in the City kinda chat :)

I am in no way offended. I appreciate your respect!

Actually, this thread has brought some real insight and perspective to me.

Regarding stigma. I am going to start a new thread about stigma. It is an important point worth discussing.

I realize that most people here always relate to the spiritual aspect of everything, and that's cool, hoowever, this is also a big and very commonly discussed topic in Healthy Sex group.
No,noone has commented that it has anything to do with God and the bible. Maybe because when most couples are being intimate or "just fucking" they aren't thinking about God or the bible (altho his name is commonly screamed during sex lol..sorry)
Whether or not a partner performs oral on you is normally a personal preference, let alone if they let you ejaculate into their mouth or "spit or swallow" is a WHOLE other story. To reach that level for many, requires trust and being comfortable with their partner, let alone the taste, etc.
For many, not always myself, whether or not your partner is willing to perform oral sex can be a deal breaker in a relationship.
Yeah, i hear "what an asshole then", but folks, it's the truth, in both men AND women!

Whether you're looking for hot, steamy pig sex or true loving intimacy and lovemaking with your partner, communication is the absolute KEY, and yes, being sexually compatible is just as important as many things in a relationship as it's one of the strongest ways to express love between two people.
Like i've said, i've never heard of the bible coming up while talking out this topic and maybe cause it's a "mood-killer". It's simply something that HAS to be discussed between you and your partner.

"Are sex addicts less likely to act out if their partner fulfills their sexual desires?"

Of course! Whether it's a sex addict or a plain old person cheating, one of the main reasons for people going outside of their marriages to find sexual satisfaction is because they can't get it with their partner, for whatever reason.

I struggled with this for most of my last marriage, however i didn't stray, the marriage simply ended. And altho many feel it's superficial, but when i did leave and started dating again, i decided to know what i did and didn't want sexually in my parnter,..when that time came of course. Then you have to decide from there what you're going to do.
But really, go over to healthy sex and you'll find some interesting comments on the subject.Several woman will and do swallow their partners for beth sheer pleasure as well as a sign of total inimacy and others won't even consider going down there.

"Obviously we have learned that it is impossible for a wife to keep her SA husband satisfied."

Sorry Cali, but i have to very strongly differ there. It is possible if that SA finds the right partner.

After a number of casual relationships and finally deciding to stop looking for a time, my current gf and i stumbled upon each other. Even with my appetite and attraction towards her, i CHOSE to accept that our first date would remainalmost plutonic, not expecting anything. As my therapist put it "Not expecting casual sex on the first date and accepting that AND being okay with it, is a big step."
Howver, thru a couple weeks of texting and phone calls, we arranged a second date at my apartment to watch a movie. Again, nothing expected.
By the end of the movie, we both read some signals and thru some chatting, we both decided that we wanted intimacy. We had knows each other for some time and turns out we both had shared a mutual attraction for some time.
We spent every moment we could together after that night, not just because the sex was so good, but because the times we shared outside of the bedroom AND our long pillow-talks after were just as incredible.
We communicate all the time very openly about our desires and fantasies and because we rtuly care for one another, we nurture and indulge each other.
I have to be honest, i've never known anyone like her. We have so much in common outside of the bedroom and love being together, AND she meets every sexual desire that i could hope for, and believe me,i have more testosterone flowing thru me than a raging bull on steroids! lol We now live together part time and even when she's not around and i need to self release, it's HER i think of.
So yes, it IS possible for a wife to satisfy a SA husband, IF she has the same attraction and drive towards her husband that he does towards her.
Hell, my therapist even had to admit it lol "Now Wes, you still have a long way to go and this thing is not going anywhere,but if you two are happy and keeping the intimacy healthy, then i'm happy for you."
When i asked him what he meant by healthy was that the sex was not our only reason for being together and that being as though we are both still legally married, we did not show our affection in that way around our children so as to set poor examples.

LH - long time, no see.

""Are sex addicts less likely to act out if their partner fulfills their sexual desires?"

Of course! Whether it's a sex addict or a plain old person cheating, one of the main reasons for people going outside of their marriages to find sexual satisfaction is because they can't get it with their partner, for whatever reason."


This is where your idea of sex addiction is skewed. Yes, it is very true that some people go outside of their marriage due to sexual satisfaction. But the NUMBER ONE cause of infidelity (not addiction-related) is lack of respect.

HOWEVER, sex addiction is a completely different ball game, excuse the pun. Most addicts aren't in it for lack of sex; they're in it for the amount of highs, be it from the actual orgasm or conquering the women. Either way, I DO agree that sexual satisfaction should be agreed upon by both partners. Sex is a huge part of the marriage union and shouldn't be neglected.

As for the Bible, you're talking from no experience here, LH. When was the last time you stepped inside a Christian circle to see how and when sex is talked about? I think you'd be VERY surprised.

Feel free to differ, LH. But I'm not sure how your opinion is of any merit in this particular discussion given the fact that you still look at porn?

Went out of state for the holidays Cali :) hope yours was great too.

As for the lack of respect, i would've taken that as a given as cheating defines a complete lack of respect, so agreed there. Also, the "high" is also a given that i failed to mention, or the "rush" of orgasm. It's as addicting as anything else.

As far as the bible is concerned, i am a catholic and i do have faith, but i don't really derive my strength from that, however i have been to several christian services and even thought the topic os sex didn't come up, i do respect the faith and i'm not saying that it doesn't work, just that it doesn't work for me. With as much faith as i do have, which is to say that i believe in God and a higher power, for myself and my daily dealings with my addiction, i'm much more of a realist. I listen to and talk openly with my therapist and my gf. Hell (no pun intended) if i even whispered this in my catholic church i would probably be excommunicated lol

Pornography is nothing more than a tool Cali and can cause no harm unless viewed by the wrong people just as a gun is a worthless piece of metal until it's picked up by someone who knows how to use it.

Again, if the people in the household can't live with or use the porn constructively, then i agree, it shouldn't be in the home or viewed. Now my gf and i use it to spice up our activities in the bedroom. She's moer than well aware of it and bought a dvd player for our bedroom for that very reason. We both know that it's a matter of trust when she's not there and that's why i openly tell her when i'm self releasing because i've also told her that i care for her so deeply and that the sex is so good that it's her i'm fantasizing about, and that makes her feel that much more desired.
Or let's use another more common addiction, alcohol.Due to my own personal bodybuilding endeavors, i've decided that i want to (need to) seriously curb my alcohol intake in order to reach my goals.
However, a lot of my family drinks and this holiday season it was plentiful. I could'nt nor was about to NOT see my family because alcohol would be present, i simply had to live with it.With my therapist i really determined that i wanted my bodybuilders' physique more than i wanted my beer gut lol I can be around alcohol all day long and be tempted, i know what i want. It's not "control" as i agree,control is an illusion, it's discipline, a trait that has been drilled into me by the best in the world for the last 37 years. However we all know that discipline must be learned as well.

My holiday was wonderful, thank you. ;-)

Haha! Okay...you have me on that one. I agree - if mentioning sex in a Catholic church didn't automatically send you to hell, you'd at the very least be condemned to purgatory for several lifetimes.

Respect - I meant that the husband doesn't feel respected/admired by his spouse and seeks that affirmation elsewhere. As wives, we easily start taking for granted the men we have married. At times I've had to stop myself and get in the mindset of a girl who is just meeting my husband for the first time. It really changes things.

As for the SA - they are NEVER satisfied. That's the underlying problem any spouse of an SA has to face. There is no final chapter, last hoorah, finis. It doesn't exist for the SA. So, no, there will never be a spouse who can satisfy her SA's sexual appetite because its unquenchable. You yourself claim to have found the one woman who can meet all your needs, but you still look at porn alone. If she fully satisfies, wouldn't porn be a non issue?

Addict is in the dictionary as 'person who is unable to stop.'
So when talking about an addiction it is a bit of an oxymoron to also use the words controlled and disciplined. Although i commend you on doing so with alcohol LH, a sexual addict struggles with this concept. Try as they may to control, the lure is stronger. Hence the shame and guilt cycle that follows a SA around.
I too have to rebuke the claim that SA's act out because their sexual needs aren't being met. It has been documented by many leading professionals on SA, that it is very much not because the spouse is doing or not doing something within their marriage.
Yes that was the case for you personally, but you are not, nor do you have a sexual addiction.

I don't particularly agree that SAs are NEVER satisfied, and that the Shane will ALWAYS be there.

This means there is no hope.

My experience has been that when I do my recovery consistantly, (especially praying with my wife) my focus is not sex but God and my wife.

At this place, I am very satisfied. Now I think if my wife expected me to go without sex for a year or 5 while she dealt with her anger at me ( or maybe did NOT deal with her anger). Then I would have a much tougher battle to fight my addiction. My question would be how many non addict men could handle a situation like this?

I am going to guess that in 5 years of recovery, I as an enlightened, concious and practiced recovering SA, I would be MORE not less capable than an average healthy guy.

I also want to put my 2 cents into the porn thing. it is degrading to women to objectify them sexually like this.
The closest to elegant I have ever seen porn was Pam Andersons "thank you troops" spread a few years back. It was not explicit, but my wife really did not like it. So even if you can not get to the place where Pam was being objectified, pitting my wife's esteem against a unobtainable attraction objectified her.

Find a healthy faithful wife that wants to raise their kids to be productive who is a porn star, and I will recinsider my position.

Not to say they would desire this, but that are actually able to DO this and porn too.

Actually that should have read "Hense the shame and guilt that follows a SA around, if they slip up during recovery".
They is always hope. I think the key is not to focus on the slip up itself, but on what lead you to want to. It is so important to identify the triggers, so to combat them the next time. There is always hope, thats what keeps me here, day in and day out.

I'm coming late to this, but I think that any way that spouses or partners can be blamed for any aspect of an addiction, has got to be wrong. Sex is an area where people need for their deepest needs to be met, and these include doing things sometimes, or not doing things at times. If there is an incompatibility, that usually leads to infidelity or divorce, but I have a hard time thinking that it causes sex addiction.
But, all addicts of all kinds have lots of overlap on their excuses.