my h did not want me to give him oral sex. even when i tried and initiated it, he did nto want it. i asked him about this when we were still trying to work on our marriage, he told me that he wanted to have intercourse with me and not with the other women. he told me that he thought oral sex was less intimate and he wanted to do other more intimate things with me. i dont' know if this was bs, but that is what he said. we're almost divorced now.

When my husband and I started to get intimate after I found out about his affair, I could only perform oral sex. I think the main reason for me was that the OW didn't. "Regular" sex took more time for me beacuse it is what he did with them and I didn't want to be in that same category. Looking at it now, it seems backwards and stupid, but that is where I was.

I don't have a problem giving oral sex but personally prefer intercourse. Usually for us oral leads to the other.

Hmmm...I was under the impression that "regular" was preferred.

However, to get completely and utterly honest, I can't do oral. Before my husband and I got married (we didn't have sex beforehand), I burned his dad's stash of porn. We're talking, like, 20 years of subscriptions. Anyhow, I was completely repulsed by everything I saw, ESP. the pics of girls whose faces were covered with "it". It was very degrading, in my opinion, and completely turned me off to that whole act. I think given time of wholesome intimacy, I may overcome those thoughts. But it's been 7 months...not enough time.

Oral sex isn't sex according to a now famous ex President! :)
I wonder if the correlation between SA's and oral sex has something to do with intimacy, or lack of it. Its common for SA's to have intimacy issues, so its easy to see why oral sex can be preferred by them.
Also i think the desire for oral sex is in its visualness. Guys are visual by nature, so by receiving oral, you can watch all going on like your own private porn.
After being treated disrespectfully by our h's p/m problems i can understand why some SO's have a problem giving this to their partners. It can be viewed as almost a selfish act, and why reward them after all they have done to us.
I know i would prefer my h's focus to be back into loving and intimate sex with me, than encouraging a visual pleasure for him, which will help him in recovery.

Now I'm just curious, i just reread your first sentence, is that meant to be "not willing to complete us orally"? So your saying you are talking about whose wife swallows and who doesn't in your SA group meeting? Or have i got that wrong? Surely not, that doesn't sound helpful?
I'm not judging, just wondering the signifigance of this chat.

Once I saw my husband's porn many years ago, I at first tried to satisfy whatever desire the photos depicted. No big deal. Give the guy what he wants and his fascination should end. Didn't work. So...Now, after finding he never quit his practise anyway and after seeing more of the same, and after he went farther into degradation photos, I have no desire to delve into his sexual desires at all. I have difficulty even feeling comfortable in his presence, much less want to do something like that...even after a year. I can't imagine ever feeling frisky, or fun, or explorative with him sexually again. Any sex we have now will come from affection and connectedness or I want none at all. That's my personal choice. He would have been better served to try exploring with me all along. He chose to connect elsewhere. Along the way...this last year...we have talked when we can. Not much...not well...and not over. He said all I wanted to talk about was sex....due to the nature of this problem, I'm sure that's true...but that he valued all the rest of our relationship more. So, since he seems to value that part, I've tried to foster that companionship part of the relationship. I don't know what else to do now. Actually, I am getting so far removed from him this time, if I were to catch him again, I'm not sure what I would do. I suspect I'd just quit trying entirely, take up separate bedrooms, tell him go at it till ya drop and leave me alone sexually. Sex has become an emotionally painful experience for me. He says that he sees hope for a complete marriage; companionship, and full intimacy. I think that sounds nice. I would love to believe that. But, 27 years of experience doesn't leave me a lot of hope there. It is what was needed all along. But, I'm a realist and I think it's too far gone to foster much hope in that arena now. To stay together, which he seems to place value on, I feel I just need to accept that I will never have the sexual life I wanted. I never did and I never will. But, that's not everything in life. Just one part that I lost. I don't think that I can feel sexually satisfied now. Or, at least, I haven't. That's been my experience of 27 years....and more so the last year. So...oral sex. I hardly think so. Have in the past...don't want to any more. I see no positive outcome of that action. I used to enjoy pleasing him that way just for his personal thrill; until he said watching it in porn is about equal to actually experiencing it. In that case....why bother? It does nothing for me and since it is apparently no big deal to him...a photo will do...I see no need to ever go there again. I would rather try to find some satisfaction for both of us and that's not the way there. I see the porn and masturbation as his solitary self-gratification. I see the oral thing the same way. Seems to all come from that "please self" attitude to me. I have no desire to foster that. So I won't. Does it help to hear what a 27 year relationship with this problem looks like? That's what this one feels like. I love my husband. I will attempt to keep our marriage intact. But, I no longer have any hope for a satisfying sex life. I am willing to make that sacrifice for him. But, had I known all along this would be where it led, I hardly think that when I was a young, vibrant woman, I would have stayed for the curtain call. Is that where you want to go?

OK, statistically, except Trini who was not clear on her personal position, the ration is approaching my conversation on these replies.

1 said its no big deal and she does it. Everyone else says, she can not do it for various reasons, most commonly because they do not want to be in the same catagory as the addics fantasies.

This is a very reasonable validation to my original observation.

I am most encouraged by Cali's response. She took full responsiblity for her own position and feelings that SHE was repulsed. And left the door open to the possiblity that she may someday be willing to work throug that.

Trini also makes a very good point about visual desire and avioding intimacy based on the idea that oral sex is not intimate. I owuld like to either endulge my dilusional addicted view of this, or suggest that receiving oral sex from your wife. WHEN SHE WANTS TO DO IT. is pretty much the most vulnerable and submissive sexual act that a man can participate in. The idea that this is not intimate may be a female perspective. May I ask how the opposite works.

Do you feel intimate when your H performs oral sex on you? Is this degrading? Does it happen or not?

This is really important to me to ask. If all of you women think the same way about receiving than giving oral sex, then I probably am in a position to rethink the whole topic. Please be very honest about this one. Please!!!

Please be honest even if you think you are being unfair. For example. If you really want your husband to give you oral sex, and enjoy it but think giving it to him is degrading. Please say that.

I dont know if this is the kind of response you are looking for but I am the sex and love addict in my relationship and my boyfriend satisfied all my sexual desires, oral and otherwise and I still cheated on him with a qualifier several times. whats really interesting is that the qualifier never gave me an orgasm, nor did i really even enjoy the sex, but I still felt compelled to act out my disease with him.
I'm not totally understanding what you are saying- are you saying that a sex addict is less likely to act out with other people if their partner fulfills their sexual desires?

Trini,

I reread your post. And it was helpful because in our meeting, someone was specifically dealing with the fact that THEY had huge issues about not feeling accepted and desired because their wives would not let them ejaculate in their mouths. The fact that this specific behavior all but 1 guy both had experienced and struggled with regarding their relationship with their wives. It was very common for this specific issue to be the rational for acting out with prostitutes or with anonymous sex. The justifycation being that since my wife does not care that I want this and is not willing to do it, I deserve to act out by getting oral sex the way I want it.

This rational is NOT TRUE. Not loving your wife where she is and being unfaithful are not at all acceptable for whatever reason. This specific behavior issue easily exercises the addictive core belief that if I releid on someone else for my needs they would not be met.

I was just surprised by the consistency of the experience, and that it is validated here. It is too much to hope for to ask this question to healthy couples and get a real answer, but I am curious to know if women in healthy relationships generally behave the same way, or is it this way because of the Addiction?

Until this conversation, I thought this was not an issue for other sex addicts.

Are sex addicts less likely to act out if their partner fulfills their sexual desires?

NO Neit, NILL, NOPE, NADA.

Are sex addicts less likely to act out if their partner is capable if being intimate with them as reflected by not having specific hangups that involve their partners sexual desires?

Maybe? I dont' know. The bible says not to deprive one oanther of their "Due Benevolence" and to only seperate sexually for an agreed apon time and then only to pray and fast >>>>> BECAUSE OF YOUR LACK OF SELF CONTROL.

This scripture suggest that it is more dangerous to leave your spouse "unsatisfied". UNless they have lots of self control. I think intimacy is really the issue. And lust. If those two things are healthy, then sex flows from it in a natural healthy way. In this situation, I would guess both people would want to do whatever pleased their spouse. Any sort of issue could impact this.

Cali,

I obviously cannot speak for every man, but oral sex is definitely desired by most. If I had to choose, wait, that is exactly what I am being asked to do, I would choose intercorse. The reason is that my wife needs intercourse to be satisfied. If she could be spiritually, and sexually satisfied by giving and receiving oral sex, I would be fine with that too. It is more intense physically. I think it is an opportunity for me to give to her competely. Intercourse, i guess is more reflective of the oneness of a marriage, because you are giving and receiving at the same time.

I guess a guy who has a physical sexual appitite would be more intersetd in both giving and receiving oral sex than a woman assuming a woman would be more intereseted in the closeness. Oral sex is more about the pleasure. Not necessarily a bad thing to want to give your partener intense pleaseure, but not complete in itself.

"Maybe? I dont' know. The bible says not to deprive one oanther of their "Due Benevolence" and to only seperate sexually for an agreed apon time and then only to pray and fast >>>>> BECAUSE OF YOUR LACK OF SELF CONTROL. "

Obviously we have learned that it is impossible for a wife to keep her SA husband satisfied.

When my husband and I were separated due to his addiction, many women in my church brought this particular scripture up to me. I distant friend even e-mailed me suggesting I do something more "exciting" and unexpected in the bedroom, as though I was naturally boring. Hmph. Anyhow, these women were missing one important factor - this concession was given in the context of a healthy marriage.

Ironically, Paul spends the entire second half of the previous chapter (1 Corinthians 6) talking about sexual sins, and how this is the only sin a man commits against is own body. Therefore, he says, honor God with your body. A sex addict ignores this command and sets up an idol for himself - sex. Doesn't it seem a little indifferent to ask your spouse to "fulfill" scripture when you are disobeying the words spoken mere sentences before that verse? Yes, I believe a couple shouldn't refrain from satisfying one another so long as they are both doing their best to keep their marriage sacred.

Yeah i agree with Cali on this one. Thats the thing with the writings in the bible, everything is up for interpretation.

Most women will struggle to give it to full completion, after the sanctity of marriage has been broken by the SA seeking pleasure outside the marriage.
I did a straw poll at gym coffee, today for you. Of the 5 women there, 2 gave head and the other 3 not at all. None to full completion. Not to my knowledge are these women living with SA's. It was a bit of a giggley coffee, thanks.
I have messaged you my personal preferences, i do not wish to publically state on this.

I remember one day in conversation, I asked my h (during his recovery, about 6 months ago) if this is what he looked up on the Internet--oral sex and he said yes. I couldn't believe my ears when he told me that he liked looking at pictures of women where the "cum" (sorry for the graphic nature) was coming out of the women's mouths (I have to say that I was a bit stunned). He told me that, that excited him. My h and I were pretty open in the "sexual relations" department and he NEVER told me that it was his ultimate pleasure for me to go "all the way" with this act. I would pleasure him, but I would never let him pleasure me in this area. Seemed extremely non- intimate to me. Plus, he had attempted to do this before, but I felt he was very inexperienced in this area--maybe because of this, I never sought pleasure in it and never cared to try it again. Bottom line, I never did understand why he would withhold his desire to "go all the way" when we always tried to pleasure each other all of our 34+ years of marriage. Was he ashamed to tell me of this? I am going to ask him later today.
Personally, I don't believe that a "normal" or SA man would go outside the marriage JUST because of this unmet need. Maybe they would "fantasize" about it or encourage their wive to do this for them, but my guess is that my h will tell me that that is not a reason for ANY man (in his opinion) to have strayed from his marriage.
We as SO of SA's all know, who have educated ourselves in the area of SA, that SA's were going to seek out other sexual pleasures whether the wive gave them oral sex or not, period! I think your poll of the SA's who said that their wives didn't give them "head" and the fact that they became SA's is a total coincidence!