Hey Buddy,

Well, I think that even if you are fantasizing about women on porn, but not looking at it, then you've made a step in recovery! I think that the most important thing is making sure that you're eyes don't cross pornography hereafter.

I was a pornography addict at age 12. Recently I have realized just how addicted and wreaked I am from pornography. When I think about women I met in the past I just panic. Thinking about sex has harmed me very brutally. But also, having feelings for promiscuous women has as well.

As a recovering porn addict I believe that you cannot ever be a healthy pornography viewer. If you look at porn at all then you are instantly addicted.

I think that we can fill the gap, by thinking about how you will make a better life for yourself.

Pornography isn't just harmful to our emotions, integrity, self esteem, psychology, ideologies, etcetera: Pornography can get us sent to prison also.

I think that telling your wife may not be important. Although, this is something that you will just have to decide. If you tell your wife she may leave you, but maybe this is alright.

Last off, there is no such thing as a healthy addiction. Addictions lead us to early graves, which is why it's called addiction not nutrition.

Many women lie, like us men, hence maybe you may realize that you just aren't with the right person if you cannot be honest.

Thank you

PS just like you I'm a pornography addict. I've been addicted to pornography since age 12. You're not alone in being an addict, but since we are both not looking at porn now, our recovery is now fully established.
Try to think about your life without sexual addictions like pornography. try to think positive thoughts.

Conformist, can you elaborate on what recovery means to you, and how you came to that definition?

Hi Jay

Firstly, I can't answer your questions directly since I'm a partner of a recovering porn user/addict/compulsive.

We've only been together 18 months and we have a strong and loving relationship. He's never hidden the fact that he enjoyed porn. I've tolerated it because he had me convinced it was normal for all guys. My take on it was that he is a sexy guy and that porn kept him stimulated and I reaped the benefits of that so I was accepting of it but kept an eye on his PC history and considered it harmless, occasionally watching it together.

Boredom usually triggered his secret sessions, or anxiety if I was away from him, but I was confused and humiliated when he began to view it 'secretly' while I was still in the room. .

He had a major meltdown 8 months ago when he cropped up online with a profile seeking other loose women (swinging). Boy what a day of tears, repulsion, self-loathing, total outpouring of guilt and despair from him. It was ugly but we talked through a lot of stuff about the nature of his compulsion.

It was as if he was on a mission to keep searching the new stuff, he would only view clips for an average of 1-2 minutes and although it was graphic, none of it was particularly shocking or outrageous. However, he would do this for up to 4-5 hours per session if left alone. He says that 7 out of 10 sessions do not involve relieving himself and that virtually none of it physically turns him on.

The greatest revelation to me about his compulsion was the genre of porn he was viewing. It seemed to me that he was keen to see mature ordinary women being moderately humiliated. I figured that his problem had its roots in past relationships with women both at home - cold mother, partners - and at work when he had been bullied by a senior female and lost his job. To me he was replaying these scenarios over and over and his subconcious mind was possibly trying to address the balance/make sense of it, whatever. His suggestion that he is a secret woman hater absolutely horrifies him. He strongly dissociates his feeling towards women in real life and women in porn.

I, like most people, love animals. Would I enjoy films that show them being abused? The very idea is abhorrent to me and viewing any animal abuse serves only to get them help. Why then do we see vulnerable humans being sexually abused both off and on screen and are expected to be totally accepting of it?

So I was wondering if it would be helpful to you to look at the type of porn you have been drawn to. You state that your greatest fantasy is to watch a porn movie with your wife in it. Perhaps it would be helpful to explore exactly where that comes from in terms of the nature of your relationship. Really dig deep and see what you come up with. It might help your recovery and your wife's recovery if you could talk through these issues first. It might help her make sense of your condition so that you can help each other through this nightmare.

Sorry this is a long post but what is helping my partner is my pointing out to him that, to my mind, he enjoys watching women being humiliated and that those women are similar to me in age/appearance/social standing etc. They are not perfectly photogenic women paid to act.

Why would men who should be and who are normally highly protective of women, enjoy watching them being abused? No lover or care is shown for the women in these films, they are just used and cast aside. Then used and cast aside by the viewers who have a fantasy 'relationship' with them, who use their images and click them away when they're done with them. Is that really OK?

I am also insistent that he is cheating when he is engaging in viewing porn. 'Oh but they're not real' he argues. Well why do you have a strong urge to see naked women and close up shots of their genitals, even when I'm in the room if you are not expressing a desire to cheat? Don't be in a relationship if you really want to be single because you sure can't have both, is what I tell him. I don't care that he's hard-wired to seek a harem, that is not the type of marriage I seek, the intention is infidelity.

His viewing has all but disappeared in the past month. He really does not want to hurt me and knows this does big time.

I think you need to dig deeper before disclosing to your wife. Get her in a safe place in her head with you first.

I also think that you deserve huge kudos for wanting to change, you've had immensely helpful advice from others on here, you know you can complete this journey successfully, given time, but you will also have to be strong for your wife at a time when you are not feeling your strongest.

Hugs for you both.