candycin, you say disclosure could lead to a separation or a divorce. That is precisely what I'm trying to avoid. I'm trying to rebuild my mental health , not destroy what's left of it by risking a divorce. I take your point about the importance of honesty, and I do think that telling her about the porn is best. But I'm just not convinced that telling her about the massage parlors is for the best.

My goal is rid myself of my addiction while keeping my marriage intact. I'm not sure risking my marriage is worth being 100% honest about the mistakes I made and can't take back. Maybe that just makes me a liar, but it's how I feel at the moment.

jaystak,

It's now been about a year since I've indulged in pornography, and I think it is good that you are asking these questions. I think before I address any of your questions, I have to share the basic paradigm shift that that for me might recovery from porn addiction possible -- learning not to see other people or sex as means to self-gratification.

Other people exist for their own sake (and because it pleased God to create them), not for mine. Sex is meant to be an act of mutual giving between spouses, not an act of taking. Lust acts against both of these principals and is at the root of pornography addiction.

With that in mind, I'll address your questions. Really, once I look at your questions from the perspective described above, I think those questions, for the most part, answer themselves.:

1. Will normal sex ever be as exciting for me as the sex in porn?

Yes. With the exception of love for God, I don't believe there is any human experience that can compare to the joy and wonder of completely uniting with one's spouse through the act of sexual intercourse.

2. I don't want to quit masturbating, but what if I find myself masturbating while thinking about porn scenes? Is this just as damaging as watching porn?

Sex is meant to be a shared experience. Masturbation uses that gift toward one's own, personal benefit. There is no healthy way to masturbate.

3. I read that watching porn releases chemicals in the brain. Does visualizing porn-like sex scenes do the same?

Visualizing porn scenes turns treats human beings as a means to one's personal gratification through sex. Neither treating human beings nor sex as a means to personal benefit is healthy.

4. How can I fill the gap that is left by stopping watching porn?

Love and prayer. Discovering one's gifts and looking for ways to share them with the world. Looking at the needs of those around you and finding ways that you can help.

5. What if I have an extremely strong desire to watch it?

First and foremost, remove yourself from the situation. Right now you have a conditioned response to certain triggers, but this will ease up with time. Identifying those triggers and finding new responses is also critical to lasting change.

6. Do you ever really recover?

You can break the cycle of addiction and learn new responses to past triggers so that they become more automatic. As human beings, we will always be vulnerable to lust, and there is no safe way to indulge in lust. But you can learn to recognize lust and find ways to avoid and resist it. (I believe prayer is essential for this learning.)

7. Is is possible to control porn addiction? Like limiting it to once a week or something like that?

Lust is never safe. Every indulgence in lust reenforces lustful desires, telling that part of you that if it just nags you long enough, it will get its way.

8. Should I tell my wife? I'm afraid she will think I am a complete degenerate, especially if she knew the kinds of porn I watched.

What you should tell your wife, in my opinion, depends on a variety of factors. If she has expressed suspicion, I think you owe it to her to give her the piece of mind that she's not crazy and let her know generally what's been going on. First and foremost, never lie. However, I don't think it's always healthy to go into detail about the nature of the pornography you've looked at.

9. Can exercise help?

Yes, particularly if exercise gives you a new way to deal with triggers such as stress or boredom. Exercise, however, does not address the problem of lust.

10. What is your advice?

To pray and consider how you see the gift of sexuality and how you look at other people. If you are a man of faith, I recommend reading up on matters of lust and chastity from a faith-based perspective -- you'll get a very different view of this than you'll find in the culture at large.

jay,
that is the addiction talking, if your marriage is as important as you claim it is...being faithful is important, sadly this addiction has destroyed that too...now the only thing you can do is be honest, to yourself and your wife.
The disclosure isnt going to cause divorce your actions may though. Not telling her about the massages is lying, lies feed this addiction, so if you keep feeding you , how are you going to be healthy?

I didn't see your follow-up comments about the massage parlors before I addressed question No. 8. I was least sure about my answer to that question to begin with, but I think your wife definitely deserves to be told if you've been engaging in sexual activity with other women.

I don't know the nature of these massage parlors -- is this a euphemism for a brothel? Is it something like a strip joint where minimally dressed women put their hands on you? Do the women actually bring you to ejaculation, or allow you to do so as they touch you?

Or, were these legitimate physical therapy places at which the masseuses wore scrubs and addressed muscle tightness, and you just used that as an opportunity to mentally fantasize?

I would consider anything but the last option to be an act of actual adultery as opposed to what I'd call mental adultery, and the nature of that is different from just using pornography. In those cases, I'd say unquestionably that your wife has a right to know, even if she might respond in a way you don't like.

candycin wrote:

"i dont believe that having your wife as a form of your sexual release is a good idea either."

Oh, good - something we can agree on again. ;-)

For me, recovering from pornography addiction did not mean learning to channel all my lust toward my wife. It meant learning not to lust at all.

That doesn't mean no sex. It just means that sex isn't about just feeling good; it's about expressing our love for each other.

@ dlansky

Yes the massage parlors end the massage with hand relief. So it's not sex, but I agree that it's infidelity.

The answers here are thorough and bear the mark of experience, and I agree with them.

Jay, in regards to disclosing to your wife--both candycin and I are spouses of addicts in recovery. However, to remain with a spouse in recovery, rigorous honesty needs to be part of the recovery process--and it does not get a pass over "what happened in the past stays in the past, so let's skip that."

Having said that, there is a process of disclosure not only for the addict, but also for the spouse's sake.

Dude, a year ago I attempted suicide from what I found in my husband's email history. We aren't joking when we say it will come out, and by choosing to disclose, you finally get control over how she finds out.

The disclosure process is a longer one, where you go through preparing for it with a trained CSAT. Meanwhile, your spouse gets support from a counsellor too. Then, at a prepared meeting with both counsellors present, you disclose your acting our behaviour. Given the massage parlour background, I recommend providing her with STD testing results proving you're clean (if you are).

After the meeting, she gets to remain with the counsellor, and proceeds with self-care supports she planned in advance. After a minimum of 2 weeks, she meets with you and your CSAT, and shares her response.

Your first step is getting yourself to a CSAT, being 100% honest there, and sticking to it. Hee's a different scenario how you tell your wife:

Until you are ready to disclose all to your wife, you tell her you are recognizing your part in the difficulties in this marriage, and you are getting specialized help for this from a CSAT. You tell her what a CSAT is, and tell her you would like her to see her own counsellor as well (preferably an APSAT trained one).

You initiating this shows you are serious. Your actions will speak louder than words.

Sandcastlefaith,

That's a good response on the process of disclosure. I wish there were a way to make topics "sticky" in this forum so that they be asy to find and wouldn't get buried among everything else. A sticky post on responsible disclosure would be useful to a lot of people. Knowing not just whether but how to disclose is crucial.

Thanks Dlansky.

We spouses have all been scarred by the "trickle disclosure"--the testing the waters with little bits of revelation at a time, in hopes that we will stay, or that the consequences won't be too dire. It's traumatic to us, and manipulative. That's partly why the disclosure process is an important one to commit to for both parties. I understand it's scary to admit and face the "collateral damage" of the acting out--each person needs that outside support on what is one of the worst days of anyone's life.

Day 6 without porn.

I have found myself thinking about it a lot, but I'm using my free time for other hobbies. I'd like to start an exercise regime of getting up early and working out in the morning. I think this will help, as I would often stay up late at night on my own and watch porn.

I'm still considering what to tell my wife. I want to be honest, but there are other factors to consider too. We have a child and I fear that telling her about the porn/massage parlors would precipitate a break up. I know it's my behavior which has jeopardized our relationship, so if it came to that it would be my fault. But when a potential outcome is that she leaves with our child, I have to be honest and say I'm considering just withholding that information from her. I know how that sounds, and I know that people won't respect me for that, but I don't see this a black and white clearcut decision.

Anyway, I won't decide anything for now as I don't want to spoil Christmas. Thanks for all your help so far. And Happy Christmas to everyone

Deciding whether or not to share your RECOVERY with her is at least better than deciding not to share your active addiction with her. But I can't really envisage a genuine recovery that takes place in secrecy, instead I can imagine the recoverying addict eventually wanting to share the good news that they are all healed - and then it's wake up time!

thats exactly it, living in the secrets,deceit and lies is feeding the addiction, until you are 100 percent humbled by your actions, honest with your wife, recovery, true recovery will not happen. Choosing not to tell her is manipulation, because she is in a marriage based on lies, and cheating. Almost every addict and spouse on here has children, and i understand that you dont want your family broke apart, if she decides to leave, but using that as a reason for your dishonesty isnt fair to your child either.

Jaystak, you are wrong recovery is a clear cut black and while decision and in recovery honesty is key....

i agree wait till after the holidays, but your really sabotaging your recovery by keeping in the lies..my husband did just that, i caught him, he disclosed about 5 percent of his acting out and kept it a secret for 18 months, was sober that whole time, walking the recovery road but not engaged because the lies were all still there....he relapsed, and then came clean with everything. Did i almost leave? yes, was my family falling apart yes...but i am still here, working on things and he is truly in recovery now...sober...and we are working on re-building trust....

10 days. No porn !

I feel better without this anchor around my neck. I haven't been intimate with my wife since I quit porn, but I do feel it's making a difference with me and my outlook. I don't want to go back to that life of hours of late nights watching porn wasting precious life time.

I did masturbate once in the shower but I don't feel like that was a mistake. I can't control what images my mind produces but I want to control how I respond to them.

I think I can do this.

Great start sir, keep it up. And by the way, you actually can control those thoughts. When I have intrusive thoughts I immediately start counting my breathe, deep breath in (1), deep breath out (2), and so on for as long as it takes to pass, and it does pass, and eventually your brain gives up - it is just trying whatever way it can to give you the boosts it thinks you need.

OK, I won't say anything more than this and I hope it helps..
If you can try and access an ESSENTIAL Youtube video called
"'Helping Addicts Prevent a Slip & Acting Out"' (part one of three parts)..ALL parts are on ytube plus there are about 20 other videos from the same website.

This is done by a man who has spent the last 20 yrs helping those with all types of addictions.
The website is called Inner Gold...you don't have to sign up with them nor give them cash..just LISTEN to what he says..nothing preachy but real help.
Take care.