I've been googling the question of whether spouses should always confess infidelity, and there are strong opinions on both sides, among those with backgrounds in family therapy, among those approaching the question from a religious perspective, and even among spouses who were cheated on. (Not all of them were glad to have been told.). There is not one universal answer to this question. You've been given opinions here, but it is your decision.

I do think we should avoid framing recovery as an all-or-nothing proposition. I hope that we can be supportive even if you don't approach this exactly the way some would recommend.

I will second what Bryan said -- that we CAN learn to control our thoughts. Yes, "pop up" thoughts occur, but you can redirect your mind be focusing on something else. I've found that with time, these thoughts are less common and less persistent now; I believe it's because I've gotten used to not acting on them. When you aren't conditioned to rewarding" yourself for having dirty thoughts, it's much easier to let them go.

When all else fails, I pray. I have specific prayers that help me, but since this isn't a religious-based group, I will only go into more detail if you want me to.

I appreciate your advice. I'm not religious at all so prayer doesn't apply to me. But I found the information in the videos above very helpful. Especially the segment about the two-part brain. I always wondered why it was that I would say " Never again !!" and then two days later find myself watching porn again. I wondered why my conscious desires were simply being overridden by a seemingly unstoppable force.

I agree that confessing about infidelity is never a black and white, all or nothing approach. And I know I could never be completely honest about content of the porn I watched. Could she ever really respect me again if she knew that I asked guys to "tribute" pictures of her sister? Of course not. I'm ashamed of the things I've done, and right now the marriage is surviving only because she doesn't know about the porn and about the massage parlors. I could tell her about the porn and leave out the nasty details, but is that full disclosure? I could tell her about handjobs in massage parlors, but how will that help her?

Another thing I found very insightful in the videos was to think about when I first started using porn to identify the original reasons I seemed to need it. For me, I had a very disappointing career failure in my 20s. Around the same time, the internet was just exploding and for the first time I had a computer. Although I had bought before, it was only very occasionally. Suddenly it was so readily accessible and there was so much variety. I think I was depressed and disillusioned about life just at the point when internet porn flooded the world. It was a bad combination for me, as I'm still hooked on it. It makes me think that the only way out is to actually change from inside.

i think that once you give some truth your wife has the right to decide just how much she wants to know...maybe telling her about the porn will be enough...but you are continuing to lie, and manipulate her by with holding the information. The "hand jobs" is infidelity and she has the right to know that she is married to an addict that has cheated on her. I am afraid that until you come clean you will continue the addict cycle.
Your marriage isnt surviving its based on lies...is that the type of marriage that is okay for you?

If you choose to go through a disclosure process with the support of a counsellor for each of you, you will have a professional help you with sorting details, and choosing appropriate language. It will also give your wife a chance to create a list of questions with her therapist, which will help guide you with how many details to share.

I know of women who chose to have no information--knowing there was a porn/sex addiction was all that wanted to know.

The point here is that either way, the wife has a say in the process.

Jay, you can do this. And you don't have to do this alone.

@candycin
you said "Your marriage isnt surviving its based on lies"

That's not true. Our marriage is based on the love we have for one another and the life we are providing for our child. Yes I am guilty of infidelity and lying, and I'm not excusing that behavior. But that behavior doesn't define our relationship and is not the basis of it.

Jay,
I agree that your marriage was based on love, and can be again. The longer you keep up the lies the more damage that you are causing to your marriage and the more trauma you are causing your wife. Marriages survive this addiction, and with acting out more then what you have said you have done. Disclosure can be done with the support of therapists for both you and your wife, and you can re-build your marriage, with that love. And even rebuild the trust. Keeping those secrets feeds the addiction, is a form of manipulation, and is also a way for addicts to not be accountable. Being accountable is the first step in recovery.
I am not sure if you are working with a therapist, but that is a good way to get your disclosure together, share the crap without getting too detailed. Once you stop making excuses you will be free of the ropes of addiction. You see not telling your wife about the porn, the massage palours, makes it easy for you to continue to act out. Telling her will make you accountable not only to her but herself.
Some wives just want the basics, some want it all. But when does she get a say in your marriage????

Jay,

I'd like to add my answers to your questions, to gain a wider perspective to your query.. You have a long road ahead of you so pace yourself.

1) Will normal sex ever be as exciting for me as the sex in porn?

This is an interesting question because it poses porn more important than sex with others. It shows where your focus is at the moment which is towards the unhealthy side. The answer is, it will be exciting in a different manner. Not just as or more than, simply different

2. I don't want to quit masturbating, but what if I find myself masturbating while thinking about porn scenes? Is this just as damaging as watching porn?

This s like saying that though you want to stop drinking, you still want to continue going to bars. It simply does not work that way since the masturbation is linked to the porn ritual. So, it is strongly recommended to abstain from masturbation or any sexual activity, for that matter, during the recovery period to break the link between porn and masturbation.

How long can that last?

As long as you still have intrusive images while attempting to either engage in sexual activity or masturbation. For me, in addition to the mandatory 90 day moratorium, I had to extend it 90 days a time for almost a year and half because the images lasted that long to go away and I was not even masturbating at the time.


3. I read that watching porn releases chemicals in the brain. Does visualizing porn-like sex scenes do the same?
Yes, it does, why would it be different? The brain cannot distinguish between real and imaginary. All it knows is input, once the input is entered, the brain reacts to it, accordingly.

4.. How can I fill the gap that is left by stopping watching porn?
Once you stop watching porn, you will soon start to realize much to your chagrin, how much time porn actually stole from you, with your full permission. What can you do to fill the void?

Start a tight schedule filled with healthy pursuits where every minute is accounted for, so that when you reach the sobriety stage, you'll continue the schedule because by then it will be a habit. also start taking care of yourself, eat right, start a healthy sleep schedule, get a hobby, go back to school, learn a skill, etc

5. What if I have an extremely strong desire to watch it?
Yeah, what if you do? You will have a strong urge to watch it, does that mean you have no give in? No1 It simply means that you have to create a contingency plan to address these urges, which is why I mentioned the schedule above. Make a list of your triggers (those instances/situations that cause you those urges, then learn to feel those feelings and in time, they will cease to bother you)

6. Do you ever really recover?

This is where some in the group may disagree with me, I believe one can not only recover but heal from said addiction. My argument is that the addiction is not something we are but something we acquire, in coming from am external source. So, when you have a cold, you are not the cold. In the same way, you have an addiction but you are not the addiction. That distinction allowed me to not only recover but be sober to this day and keep it that way.

7. Is is possible to control porn addiction? Like limiting it to once a week or something like that?
It is not because it is an addiction of escalation, what got you high yesterday will not do it today. Furthermore, it can morph to other pursuits, as well, such as, seeking partners to fulfill porn scenes, sexual addiction, dehumanization of others and sexualization of others, among others.

8. Should I tell my wife? I'm afraid she will think I am a complete degenerate, especially if she knew the kinds of porn I watched.
I think, she may already know something is not quite right in the state of Denmark, women are very good at picking up these things, specially if your porn addiction has made you impotent which is another result of said addiction.

9. Can exercise help?
It can but more helpful would be a total overhaul of your current life, Start by living like someone who never saw porn, whatever that may mean to you, since you are starting your recovery, live your life one second at a time, then once the withdrawal symptoms subside, extend it to one hour, one day, one week, you get the gist.

10. What is your advice?
My advice is simple: Do not go back to it, no matter the urge, You've already devoted your time to it, now let it go and move forward without it,. It has nothing to give you and everything to steal from you. Think of it as visual meth where the first high you ever had will never again be duplicated no matter how many scenes you watch, it just will NEVER EVER happen again.

There is life after porn and a rather great one at that. Start living instead of existing.

My 2 rubles' worth,
Wolf (4 1/2 years sober)

well in my opinion....> if you were my hubby... which mine is having ED problems as well... has been for about year maybe...he has had an indiscretion with me but with a 16 y.o. my daughters best friend. they didnt have sex but it still hurts none the less... emotionally and physically cheated on they were sexting.... she sent first pics of her boobs... there was a role playing thing he told me about as well.... (she was into it) either way .. i asked if my hubby had a porn problem he said no he hadnt watched porn for a while.... not sure what the hell happened with hubby? it is a longer story with alot more involved but.... if it were him telling me this i would be upset... upset that he wouldnt want me to roll play or whatever with him.... i think i would have felt better if my hubby would have sexually cheated with me on an adult aged woman.....cause this has hurt out family and us more than anything.... destroyed my daughters friendship and all of our trust we had for him... he is on ankle bracelet this has been going on since sept 4th when her turned himself in. my hubby had no other things ever happen... he has stressful job,just turned 50,she i guess boosted his ego and such. he knew it was wrong but yet.....still went through with it and sexted and texted with her this was not a one way situation... she was naughty as well.. she was the first to send a pic of her boobs!!!!! she should get into trouble by sending porn but they wont cause she is considered minor.. age of consent in Pa. is 16...however she is going to turn 17 soon this month. i am however staying with m hubby but do i trust him NO!! this is gonna take a long time to get back to we were.... i love him with all my heart but HATE what this has done to all of us in the family..... thank God he still has his job and they are supporting him,,, this girl has lied... she got mad and she got caught by her mom with pic of my hubby on computer and blamed him saying all kinds of stuff... IDSI< forced,without consent sorry this is long jst wanted to give you a wives side of things.... not sure if hubby has a porn addiction or something else but the mistrust is still there and i cryed myself to sleep so many times because i wanted to have sex and got turned down alot! too sleepy how bout tomorrow,got headache,told me to wake him up for it... i did that for quite a while but i told him few months before all this that i wasnt going to be doing that..things had to change.. he is grumpy when you wake him at times... even if it is a pleasurable way.... ya not happening... had talk after that and things didnt change... now this.... smh.... how do you think that makes your wife of 24 years feel?? he is lucky i didnt go out and have affair... it did cross my mind.... esp in my dreams.... i wish you the best in whatever you choose to do but do keep in mind she either way will be hurt through this.......but i do think you should say something...good luck with whatever happens.

lori

I had a relapse already.

I thought I was doing well but I guess I don't really understand the addiction process very well. Because once again I thought that my conscious intentions would just show up in reality. But before I knew what was happening, there I was watching porn again. And now I'm back at square one. Maybe that's the worst part of it - feeling like a failure and constantly finding myself back at the start of the journey feeling like zero progress has been made.

The perfect poison gets me again.

Nope, you are not back at square one. You are probably right that you need to increase your understanding of this addiction. I recommend reading through the website Your Brain on Porn, then trawling through the forums on Your Brain Rebalanced. There are also books and podcasts from Gary Wilson that make the addiction very understandable.

Right now you cannot conceive of how you can control this, beat it. But you can. I remember talking about my addiction like I was a passenger, IT at the wheel taking me wherever it intended. It is now locked in the trunk. You need to understand all of the triggers, all of the warning signs, and treat them with the severity that you are currently treating your relapse. Listen to yourself and respond with a recovery plan. You are medicating with p - what is driving you to need the escape? What are you doing to forge new healthy paths, how are you making yourself accountable? This is your life, there is no such thing as a recovery plan that is "over complicated".

Like Bryan said, it's not back to square one. Great warriors learn as much from the battles they lose as those they win, so that they can learn their enemy's tactics and ultimately win the war.

Think about what led to the relapse. What was your state of mind -- stressed? Bored? Faced with some task you didn't want to do? (That used to be a common trigger for me.) Were you inadvertently triggered by something you saw?

Now think about what you could do differently in the future. Can the trigger be avoided? If not, how might you respond to it differently? For example, if it's stress, you might go for a walk. If you're procrastinating, you might force yourself to focus on the job you don't want to do. Then recommit to doing the right thing next time.

I think most people stumble in the early stages. The ones who make it are those who keep getting up again.

Try not to feel like a failure if you slip.
There are some who might say it's shameful act and you should hang your head in sorrow but what I found is, if you do this for too long, the result is you think "'Oh well, I'm not worthy of respect so why not just go down all the way?"'
LEARN from the slip and work towards keeping clean..IF you slip again just keep going on. We've all done this and the idea is not to give up or feel rejected.
Personally, I was up & down for yrs before working it all out for myself. Many times you can possibly think that a Dopamine overload is all you want but then I asked myself "'OK, and then what? WHAT happens after you've had your fun? Life STILL has to be faced..bills still have to be paid""..LIFE goes on and real life, the one we run from, is mundane and we have to ACCEPT this.
Realise that we all are sexual beings but this is not the issue...the problem is NOT in your genital area..the problem remains in your BRAIN.
You have a weakened pre frontal cortex that has to be trained.
It's your BRAIN that is playing tricks wth you and it sends out a need for MORE Dopamine each time.
This is why we cover our tracks, hide our actions, like selfish kids who haven't grown up. AND you'll never grow up until you realise that , with this addiction, there is NO ultimate orgasm(which is what we chase)
Only you can stop this..however much advice you get from the best therapists or friends on here, ONLY YOU can stop this and the only way is to stop flash flooding your brain with Dopamine.
It's the LOW Dopamine levels after acting out that make us feel shameful, dejected, useless and the way (we think) we can make ourselves better is by getting another orgasm..and so the cycle continues.
Sexual orgasm from viewing P or M depletes chemicals in the brain faster than any other addiction and NO other hit, whether from heroin or coke, makes one feel as good..BUT the good feeling comes with a big price tag because we lose interest in everything else that ONCE made us feel happy..whether this is our family, our partners, our job, our creativity..it ALL suffers because the Dopamine hit is so massive from P & M.
Break the cycle...let the Dopamine levels return to normal for as long as you can each time and you'll start enjoying the small things in life.
They once asked a champion athlete who had once been a down & out heroin addict what caused him kick the addiction. His reply was "" It was developing slow patience for doing the small things in life each day..the MUNDANE things I once ran from by way of my addiction""

"'How do I fill the gap?"'
""What if I have a strong desire to watch?""

All the advice about taking exercise, removing yourself from the area or finding wholesome activity is all great and also worked for me.....But SOMETIMES you'll find that the desire is so strong it will follow you wherever you go.
OK this is because , in your brain, your Limbic system is part of YOU and you can't run from it . It's going on a hunt for something to take away pain, anxiety, boredom, anger etc...OK, REALISE we've TRAINED our own Limbic systems to do this and now its at a point where the need to act out is greater than our own need to LIVE..

This is what addiction is about. This is why dope addicts who were once creative leave their field of creativity and wallow in the cocoon of cotton wool that the Limbic mistakes for "'protection from pain"".
You've done so for 15 yrs. with P & M...I did it for 45 yrs...but you can change it.(even if you fail countless times in the process)

Face the desire head on but don't act on the impulse...don't run from it or look for distractions.
Recognise that the desire is part of our OWN brain and we can't crush it or force it to stop..if we do this we send out a threat to the Limbic and it responds by INCREASING the desire. LOL.
Don't enter into a fight with the Limbic ..you will never win.
What you do is ACCEPT the feeling, DONT act on it but instead realise that it's played this game with you for 15 yrs now and you still dance the dance.
Try and reason on your situation as you feel the urge at its greatest. Where has playing this game it got you so far?
Has your quality of life improved in that time you've been an addict?
Where will you be 5-10 yrs from now LOCKED in this same directionless cycle of stupidity?
Will you be a HAPPIER more controlled person if you continue this game or one who has lost all senses and become numb to pleasure?
How will you feel AFTER you act out , 30 mins later? Will you feel better living with yourself or more of a disgrace?
OK, be reasonable & honest in all of this above..IF this habit makes you/or any of us a better person, more able to cope with stress, a better less selfish partner and more at ease with yourself then NONE of us would be one this website!!
Sadly, it creates havoc & despair.

Reason on this, the last point...WHEN is the satisfaction of this urge ever going to be enough? ( I can tell you now,it NEVER will be so why try chasing an elusive dragon?)
Just tell the desire without any anger "'OK, I surrender and I'm doing NOTHING..I REPEAT "NOTHING in return because each time I try and fight you YOU win"'
Realise in your mind, you've been acting out this way for YEARS and where has it got you?
So don't act on the urge at all. Breath deeply. Watch the feeling die down. Each time it returns handle it the same way.
This REASONING action strengthens the pre frontal cortex.(Third Wave Cognitive Thinking)
In time the frontal cortex responds by causing the desire to be less.
Even if you slip, go back to doing this way again...the breaks between slips will gradually become longer..i.e.2 days, 4 days, a week, a month, 3 months, 5 months etc. until the desire doesn't come to you.
Of course, you will have to WANT this desire to be gone.
There's always a certain part of us that wants it to be hanging around.
The longer it hangs around the longer we continue the pointless, wasteful, dance.
Realise this...the problem is in your brain ..its a chemical imbalance that WE'VE caused by flash flooding our brain in our own selfish quest for gratification.
It can only be addressed by CHANGING the way we think when the desire hits us...and it will continue to hit us as long as we live as addicts but we become adept at not bothering with it.
Hope this helps....this reasoning helped me.

Thank you for the recent replies. I found them very helpful.

I felt bad after relapsing but I realize that it's part of the process. And that I may relapse several times. But I am still trying to focus on the long term goal of being rid of porn. I am doing my best to focus on what I learned from relapsing. And I think that I understood one important thing. That is, that like Paul said, there is NO ultimate satisfaction. I remembering during the relapse trawling for all sorts of porn, in a kind of desperate attempt to find the ultimate turn on. But it wasn't there. In the end, I ended up watching something which aroused me, but it was settling for second best in order to have a release. No matter what kind of porn I could find, there will never be an ultimate satisfaction because you always want something new and exciting.

I also have been thinking about the nature of this addiction. It stops you getting help. I'm a very self conscious person by nature, I just can't help it. And I would be so mortified if my family knew this about me. I don't think I could ever bring myself to tell them. It's just so painfully embarrassing. With other addictions, there are physical symptoms which betray you. Others realize something is wrong and will try to help. But with porn, you can appear physically normal and appear to be functioning normally, all while hiding your shame. It's a new kind of addiction, and I hope in future there is more information available to people. Because I suspect there are millions out there who have this problem.

Anyway, I still feel like I'm on the right path, even I fell. And even if I fall again.

There is confidential video therapy treatment for sex addiction at www.integrativebalancepsychotherapy.com. Site offers services to MN and CO residents.