Hi just to start, I have been off of porn for approximately 6 months and it's only now that I have started to see any kind of improvements physically, however there have been plenty of improvements mentally starting from around 2 weeks of quitting. Now to answer your questions.

1. Yes, normal sex will be more exciting, once you take yourself away from the porn and back to sex.
2. I found that quitting masterbating is the best way to quit porn, at least to start with. I haven't masterbated since I first quit porn and it has helped me to desexualise myself and keep my thoughts as clean and porn free as possible, if you find yourself thinking of porn while masterbating however, then it's probably a good time to stop.
3. As far as I know, no since you are imagining it and not watching it. However, imagining it is still not ridding yourself of it as you probably aren't ready to quit yet.
4. Get a hobby, spend more time with your wife, friends and family. Look for ways to show your wife affection.
5. Go and do something else, literally anything it's probably best to get out of the house even, just walk to the end of the street and back a few times until the feeling goes away.
7. No, it always escelates, that's why you are on here in the first place.
8. Yes you absolutely 100% need to tell her, she WILL be angry to start with, by angry I mean furious. However you will need her support to get through this, also if she knows about it then you are less likely to go back to it as there will now be added consequences to being caught or even making her suspicious. She will also lose less trust towards you if you tell her yourself rather than her finding out or worse catching you in the act.
9. Yes exercise is good for reducing and controlling dopamine in the brain which is caused by excessive porn use.
10. The longer you stick to it, the better you feel about it. The relief of not constantly looking over your shoulder and having a clear conscience is truly liberating. Then when you start to get signs of recovery your determination will literally multiply 1000 times, it feels good to know you are becoming a human being again instead of a slave to porn and the degenerates in it.

Hello Sir,

I am mid-thirties, married father of two, lots of damage to my relationship that this addiction caused. I am 52 days into my reboot and a totally better man for it.

1. Will normal sex ever be as exciting for me as the sex in porn?
Yes. But first you need to reboot. Check out yourbrainonporn.com. You are no longer really connected to your actual libido and sexuality, you are addicted to porn and there is no room left for the natural stuff.

2. I don't want to quit masturbating, but what if I find myself masturbating while thinking about porn scenes? Is this just as damaging as watching porn?
Yes. There is nothing wrong with masturbation when you are doing it purely to sensation, no fantasy. But that is a hard task with an addict during reboot so many, including me, go M free during reboot.

3. I read that watching porn releases chemicals in the brain. Does visualizing porn-like sex scenes do the same?
Yes, it activates the same neural pathways and releases dopamine. The porn addict has a reduced capacity to create and receive dopamine, causing them to be a shell of themselves, minimal motivation, sometimes erictile issues, poor in bed. Not fun right?! The brain doesn't ctegorize "porn" in the way it categorizes "food" or actual sex - this is why us addicts have a wide range of tastes, often which go against anything we actually "like". You need to identify all the activities that essentially fulfill the same function, at least partially, as a full-blown porn session. So it might extend to things in real life like using escorts or staring at women in a perverted manner. Identify these things, understand that they are part of the problem, and add them to the things that you simply cannot do for your reboot.

4. How can I fill the gap that is left by stopping watching porn?
Try to remember what the real you liked doing before porn, and go find some more passions. Exercise is key as it actually creates new dopamine receptors as well as giving you a boost in chemicals and a better lifestyle/attitude/body/mind.

5. What if I have an extremely strong desire to watch it?
You will, for some time, on and off, but you need to understand that it is only temporary and CAN actually be beaten without a relapse. I bet you have an even greater desire to get your life back? Never lose sight of that.

6. Do you ever really recover?
Apparently - check out the success stories on yourbrainrebalanced - and start a journal while you are there too. You will recover, but it is not a magic pill - what it does is lifts the fog and empowers you to actually DEAL with your issues as opposed to medicating yourself with p.

7. Is is possible to control porn addiction? Like limiting it to once a week or something like that? Your addict brain would love to think so but I am afraid it is the same as a raging alcoholic having the "odd drink"


8. Should I tell my wife? I'm afraid she will think I am a complete degenerate, especially if she knew the kinds of porn I watched.
You cannot control how she reacts, but you deserve whatever she throws at you! I can only tell you that it will enhance your accountability, and it will create a far higher likelihood of success. Be prepared for a rough road ahead. Also, don't think she doesn't already know something is very wrong and is already suffering despite the issue not having a name. She deserves to know. I was caught - easier than having the balls to actually come out with it. Be strong!

9. Can exercise help?
YEs, as above

10. What is your advice?
My advice is all of the above, but in a nutshell: Get help, read up on this, never downplay your problem, be accountable, and stop, STOP, FOR GOODNESS SAKE STOP using porn!

BH

The others both covered your questions and offered excellent advice. I will just add a few points from my point of view onto some of the things they've already said:

1. Will normal sex ever be as exciting for me as the sex in porn?

More so. First, Quitting masturbation to porn will increase sensitivity. The Chronic Masturbation is one of the things that decreases it, which is why it takes longer and longer to orgasm, as well as harder and harder edged stuff. Second, it will bring you emotionally much closer to your spouse that makes your current sex life pale by comparison.

2. I don't want to quit masturbating, but what if I find myself masturbating while thinking about porn scenes? Is this just as damaging as watching porn?

The mental images you describe are in my opinion, the hardest to shed. You need to do what yourbrainonporn.com describes a 90 day reboot, which means, no sex, no masturbation, no porn of any kind. Complete celibacy. The reason for this is to help reduce or eliminate the dopamine brain fog that you've placed yourself in. You need to be able to think clearly, and in the end, you will find this part, although difficult, to be of the greatest help in your recovery.

3. I read that watching porn releases chemicals in the brain. Does visualizing porn-like sex scenes do the same?

Yes, to a lesser degree than doing so while masturbating to orgasm. But they are what we call triggers. To put it another way, porn fantasy or watching porn while not masturbating would be like an alcoholic quitting drinking while meeting his AA sponsor at a bar. Doesn't make much sense or strike you as helpful, does it?

4. How can I fill the gap that is left by stopping watching porn?

My time has been filled with exercise, journaling, and my recovery program. My program consists of attending 1-2 SAA meetings a week, keeping in contact with my sponsor, sponsoring others, and helping out on here. Also, I work out more now than before.

5. What if I have an extremely strong desire to watch it?

I recommend putting blocking software on your phone, your computer, anywhere you would go to view it. Do that before the desire gets that strong. Then you won't have the ability to watch it. Furthermore, give the password to your SAA sponsor, or trusted friend, Clergy person, etc. You can give it to your partner if you like, but this might prove difficult at first.

6. Do you ever really recover?

Yes. Drug addicts recover; alcoholics recover. So do Sex addicts. You only need to learn how.

7. Is is possible to control porn addiction? Like limiting it to once a week or something like that?

Can a drug addict limit themselves to only one line of coke per week? Can a recovering alcoholic sample beers on the weekend? I think you know the answer to this. You're only hoping someone will give you the green light for this. A knowledgeable recovering addict wouldn't.

8. Should I tell my wife? I'm afraid she will think I am a complete degenerate, especially if she knew the kinds of porn I watched.

Yes. There are three options here. Not telling her would isn't wise. She is going to know somethings up and discover it anyway, more than likely. If not, she will wonder why the change, and then you'll have to come clean anyway. Second, you could to what we in recovery refer to as a trickle disclosure. In other words, just tell her a little bit at a time, until you feel more comfortable. Again, this isn't wise to do. It makes her trauma and pain worse, and may damage the relationship much more severely than just coming clean from the outset. Plus, she's going to be much angrier at you for a much longer period of time. Thirdly, you could come clean on everything. Right away. Right from the beginning. This is called the first step. Admitting what you are. All the ugliness. The exception to this is if your partner's wish is for you not to tell her anymore. As recovering addicts, it is important that we respect her wishes on this.

9. Can exercise help?

Definitely. I walk to and from work. But also, lifting weights, running, cross training, are all good. The important thing here is moderation. You do not want to move from a sex addict to a workout addict. This goes back into the Dopamine addiction part of things. Live a balanced life. Moderation of most things is good.

10. What is your advice?

First, tell your partner that you are a sex addict and need help. Second, Join SAA or some equivalent, and go to a meeting. Third, keep going to meetings and do not quit or drop out. Fourth, get a sponsor to help you work through the steps of your program. Fifth, do a Celibate 90 day reboot. By the time you get to this point in your recovery program, you will be well on your way to feeling better. The main problem is that you release Dopamine to a computer screen. You masturbate to something that is not real. This hurts your partner when she feels that she cannot compete. A recovering addict is able to have a great sex life because the sole source of their sexual pleasure is their partner. Best wishes. Hang in there. We're all pretty much willing to help any way we can.

I feel everyone else here is answering your questions very well, so I'm not going to get into that. I just wanted to offer some general advice.

The 90 day reboot is so you can rewire your brain to not default to sexual tendencies. This does not happen automatically, but takes effort. You must keep in mind constantly what you're thinking about so you can be sure that your thoughts are in check. When you constantly build neural pathways so you can more easily default to positive thoughts, you won't have to worry as much about what things you can think about or do in place of the time spent on pornography. But you will want to schedule your days hour-by-hour in a daily bases so you can be sure you're keeping busy. It will eventually get easier once you have solid neural pathways developed to help you think of wholesome thoughts.

I hope my advice is helpful

I want to say thanks for your replies. You took the time to write detailed advice and I really appreciate that. I think I agree with most of it, but there are still some issues I'm having a hard time with.

I'm very reluctant to tell my wife. Maybe I'm too proud or maybe I just think I can beat this on my own, but I fear that telling her would damage our relationship irreversibly. I consider myself a pragmatist, and I think that some of my opinions about honesty reflect that. Aren't there times when it's just better to get through it without creating an extra issue which could hang over the relationship forever? It's the issue I'm most conflicted about.

The other thing is that I simply don't think I can go 90 days without a release. Based on past experience, after a week or two without ejaculation, I get extremely wound up and in the past this has led to relapses with porn, or else going to a massage parlor and getting a release there. I like the idea of rebooting, but I'm not sure that suppressing the urge to masturbate for 90 days is something that I'm capable of.

Also, I'm having a tough time imagining a future without porn. I've tried to give up before and done all the usual stuff like deleting my porn, vowing to quit etc etc. Only to go back and re-download it all again. The problem is that I find porn very exciting. Am I consigning myself to a lifetime of repression by quitting porn forever?

This is tough.

by not telling your wife you arent being held accountable for your actions, and it gives you the ways and means to continue this destructive life...if that is what you truly want then keep it all a secret,
If you truly want to break free from this addiction like variable said its time to come clean to yourself, and your wife too. By keeping secrets it feeds the addict mind, giving yourself permission to do things like porn and massage palors. You arent being too proud by not telling her, your are being selfish, she is married to you and i can tell you she knows there is something not write. By not telling her you are continuing to manipulate her with lies and secrets.

About the 90 day reboot,,,,you said you will get wound up...so what? Seriously do you think that you will die without ejaculating? By stating that you cant do it then you never will, that tells me that i guess you like this life, and that porn, masturbation, and ejaculation is more important then living a clean, healthy, life, and marriage.

Will you miss porn if you stop watching it? Yep, will it get easier? YEP. When will you decide it is important? when your wife catches you? a child? a friend? get arrested at a massage palour?

Of course you find it exciting, its a multi-million dollar industry that is banking on you finding it exciting, rest assured its exploiting those women, revolves around drugs, and it is causing thousands of addicts, and wrecking countless marriages, but Jonny99 if thats what you want in your life, no one can help you!!!!

Hi Jaystak, you're welcome.

Regarding you telling your wife. You seem to think it will be that act of telling her that will cause a relationship issue. Not so, it is everything you have already done that will and has already caused an issue. I guess it depends on what kind of relationship you think you and your wife deserve.

And in terms of the need for release and the challenge of letting it go, there is nothing special about your situation, we ALL start off preferring the idea of having porn somewhere near by, but that is the addict talking. Trust me, as someone who until last September acknowledged I had a problem but had no intention of letting it go completely. I simply did not believe that I could go 60 days without so much as a peek, but here I am, NOT bursting at the seems, instead I have new energy and motivation for other things, better things. The sense of a need for release is nothing more than urge, withdrawal, and a sense that nothing can replace it as an outlet, that is the exact blinkered thinking that will keep you addicted and chained to a life of mediocrity. It is a wall you need to overcome to demonstrate that you are serious about recovery. As you say this is hard and there is no easy option only the hard option! Be strong.

If you think you'd be too wound up to completely quit sexual stuff for 90 days- could you just have sex with your wife- focus on making her happy and wanted? What do you other guys on here think about that? She can't replace the habit- like me and my H tried- but if you are actively working on your relationship then I wonder if it'd be alright to work on true intimacy with your wife- especially if it'd keep your mind off of things.
First off, the MOST damaging part of my H's issues were the lies, betrayal, and secrets- partly because the way he acted in all of his life was destroying our marriage- but also in needing validation and the honesty in knowing that something was wrong is true. I was upset, I'm not going to lie- but it was harder because he didn't give me the whole truth upfront and kept torturing me with bits of information, and then I'd dig and find more, etc. and that really really screwed things up. If you haven't been having sex with your wife- she's feeling really low and sad and maybe angry and rejected already, when you tell her about your problem there will be some relief and freedom that comes from knowing there was a reason and it wasn't her. I felt this huge weight come off of me when I found out about all of it because I knew our problems weren't my problems- they were his problems- and I was able to have more love and sympathy and compassion for him than I'd had in a long time. She will be hurt- she will be mad-and you will have to take it like a man, and do what you have to do if you want to repair your relationship. She deserves the truth, she can handle the truth, and it might make your relationship better than you can imagine, if you are really willing to do what it takes.

Yes, I would agree, if you simply must "release" then presumably you can channel that into intimacy with your wife?

i dont believe that having your wife as a form of your sexual release is a good idea either. That isnt intimacy , that is using her as a masturbation tool, no different that your hand or the "women" that work at the massage palour. Its that type of the behavior that will cause more harm to her emotional state. You can go 90 days with a release, like i said before you wont die for crying out loud. Once you have a support group (meetings, wife, therapist in place) and a whole list of healthy outlets ..you are armed with the tools and recovery takes place. SO you stop all porn, get rid of it, disclose to your wife, put blockers on anything internet, and when you get the urges, desires, you turn to your tools of support and healthy outlets. Before you know it the 90 day re-wiring will be over , then and only then you can re-build intimacy with your wife.

i specifically meant to use the word intimacy. If your wife is informed, and you are feeling sexual energy rising out of the ashes, there is nothing wrong with channeling that energy to connect sexually with your wife. The truth is, from what I continue to learn, is that this doesn't happen because the addict still can't shake off the association that they have between their urges, sexual energy, and p. For people with ED it is recommended to hold off arousal entirely, but outside of that there is nothing wrong with sex during reboot. Having said that I am in "hardmode" for my reboot, partly because of mild ED but also because I believe it is the quickest route to recovery.

Most CSATs would suggest a reboot with no sex at all including your wife. After that 90 days rebuilding intimacy both sexual and non sexual can occur with a clean mind and open heart. The truth is after a sex addict stops acting out those images of porn are still there. I know for me i would not want to be sexually intimate with my husband if he had those thoughts surfacing.

I agree.

What I meant by "getting wound up" is that the sexual frustration after 2 weeks becomes so intense that it almost feels like a compulsion.
Maybe that's part of the problem, but I always thought it was just a sign of a strong libido.

I have to admit that communication between my wife and I has never been great. Perhaps I can tell her about the porn, but if I tell her about the massage parlors, I think this could lead to an immediate break-up.

again so lying to her is better? Could it lead to separation and maybe divorce? YEP but that wasnt your concern when you went there in the first place, would it better if she caught you? or you were arrested while there, just seen that happen, cops busted in, arrested the women and every man there too....then what?

When you start feeling that wound up feeling you go to meetings, contact a sponsor, another member, you exercise, read, cook whatever is in your list of healthy outlets, the feeling will pass and you will be yet another day sober. The irony is that all sex addicts blame "a strong libido" for acting out, masturbating, having affairs, but reality is that is the lie addiction tells you to give you an excuse to do these things. Again you arent going to die from not ejaculating, despite this addiction you infact deserve a better life then you are living now, recovery will do that.

Disclosure is key to recovery, you dont have to give details but you do need to come clean about the "massages" that is infidelity and she has the right to know that....you dont need to tell her what type of porn either.

Jaystak, your life is out of control, i am telling you that not coming clean will result badly ...she will catch you, someone will see you going into one of those places, or you will get arrested, and this addiction esculates quickly, those massages wont be enough.....