longhaul, I don't think you should point the finger at your wife like she has all the faults and you none. Maybe if someone asked her take, and you would get a completely different picture. and for you to say those things about your ex gf shows you don't have as much respect for her as you think. It's not my business, but maybe you should rethink the way porn does effect men's perceptions of women. there's a loooot of denial about that.

Oh i'll be the first to admit that i have faults guys when it comes to the marriage as a whole and that's why we're going to counseling to try. No, i have never called her a heifer to her face, that i couldn't do, but myself and her family have talked to her about her weight and general health and we have talked about her shape and how it's affecting our marriage. Sorry if it sounds cruel or cold, but if i bust my ass in the gym to look good for her, then i think i should get the same. As for the OW, no, i can't say that it would work out for certain, but it does stir up some wonderings as to whether or not i'm with the right person. I mean, besides the sex, we just seem to be much more compatible in every way.

Longhaul - I will never understand guys like you who have double standards! Your wife cheated on you and you 'kicked her fat ass to the curb.' Yet, you say you won't go to SA meetings for fear of being attracted to other women there and acting on it???? It's ok for YOU to cheat, is that correct? As for your current wife, you married her for better or worse, right? Regardless if she's overweight or anorexic, you should love her the way she is - not try to make her into something she's not. AND, maybe she's overweight because she has LOW SELF ESTEEM because her husband is addicted to porn and tells her that he likes those women better than he likes his own wife?? Many women who have low self esteem find themselves depressed, which leads to weight gain, which makes them even more depressed, etc, etc, etc. You get the picture?? Are you looking for support for your habit on DS, because otherwise I'm confused as to why you're here.

Honestly... I kinda think maybe longhaul is on here simply to get Aroused by us women and possibly Men being upset with him!!!!!!!! (Can you say MISOGYNISTIC!) BTW how do you know that your wife doesn't think your a heifer? AND doesn't have a old boyfriend on the side? How would you feel about that? Wait let me guess, you probably wouldn't care. Not trying to be mean but i really think that this is a group of people who want help and your fine the way you are you say, so maybe you should find a group that is in support of your problem!

It is not my fault my husband is addicted to that stuff.I didn't make him start watching that stuff every free moment he has.The faut is his and his alone.I am here to get support.He is the one putting the strain on our marriage with his addiction.This is very hard to live with as most of us know who are living with a husband who is addicted to this stuff.

What started me into acting out was the loss of intimacy in the bedroom. You may say that it is his problem and you have nothing to do about it. I can say if for me we worked on our relationship instead of ignoring it, I may not have spent two years of my life looking for intimacy when it was there all along. Became obsessed with lust and now I have nothing.

Fix it before you have nothing as well.

I have asked him to go to a theripst with me but he refuses to at this time.I am willing to work on our marriage.He is not willing to get couselling with me as a couple so I go myself.If one partner isn't willing to participate in therapy when one is I'm not sure if this marriage will survive.

Its not always that way with the intamcy problem mondoman. I'm a very intimate and passionate person and we always had a great time in the bedroom. The addiction sometimes can be something that started like in my partners case when he was a teenager. Being that porn was acceptable when your 20 then you become obsessed with the fantasy world and it never ends. Its not always the lacking in the bedroom. And I think for us women in this situation its difficult to want to be intimate with them. This addiction makes us feel ugly and not enough.

I too am a very passionate person.I like being intimate and I enjoy sex very much but my husband would rather spend time looking at his porn than being with me and I feel unattractive and un wanted.

Exactlly and there is nothing wrong with you. The way you feel is the way any normal women feels when her man would sooner look at a photo over the real thing. There is no explanation and you can't blame yourself. That is the key here is finally understanding you can't do anything its up to him only. That is what took me the longest time to accept. I go to the gym 4 times a week and I look like those women online and his addiction made me so confused. It make you feel like you need to compete with a photo and as a woman you want to be the ONE! The only one that makes his head turn and reality is you never will be the only one unless he fixes the problem. To you your just another woman in a group of thousands and he prefers that over you. He needs to realize when he gives of himself to the photos and the addiction he is taking away from the intimacy and the relationship and giving you less....

This addiction is about one thing: the addict's selfish, self-centered and self-serving desires! It has nothing to do with you ladies (or men) whatsoever, NO MATTER WHAT THEY TELL YOU!
Now longhaul and others like to complain about not getting enough attention in the bedroom sexually, but that's a copout, an excuse only. The true and the only reason any of us have ever been addicted to porn, sex, masturbation, etc. is because we want to be! Argue all you want to addicts, but you can't deny the truth. For 28 years I've battled this, and in all 28 years it was only through my own selfishness that I stayed addicted.
Now, are there aggravating factors that contribute to our addictions? Sure there are, but it still comes down to choosing porn or masturbation or sex with others over our own relationships. That may sound like a cold and cruel thing to say, but it is the honest truth.
Addicts make all kinds of excuses to cover themselves, and they make all kinds of excuses to justify not going to counseling or group therapy. Being afraid of hitting on the other members of a sex addicvts group or getting turned on by their stories is a sorry reason for not going. What do you think, the other members won't be able to resist you? GET A GRIP!
Joy, if your husband won't stop what he is doing, the time may have come for you to make a choice:either live with his addiction, or tell him how you feel and give him the choice to stop doing it and get help, or get out! Make him choose between you and the porn. Let him know that there are consequences for his actions. Make it crystal clear that he has only one choice if he wants to be with you, period. No grey areas, he is either in or out. If he chooses out, then at least you will know you did every thing you could do to make it work, and he chose to have porn instead of a real life marriage and intimate relationship.
Sorry if this sounds a bit harsh, but I have to be honest with you when I say that stopping this addiciton takes some harsh and direct measures. Playing around with it only makes it worse. Stand strong and firm in your decision to not have this in your life and marriage.

I agree that longhaul sounds like a horrible husband. To look at porn all the time in front of your wife, and tell her that she has to look like that to deserve your attention, to call her names and think she cannot tell on any level that you are disrespecting her, to say that your addiction is 'normal' and justified because of her weight and her lack of sexual response to you (hmmm. wonder why?), to even discuss her weight with others and say that they agree that she ought to lose the weight or you deserve a side piece of ass, to have an ex waiting in the wings....you are a real piece of work. And, do you somehow think you are attractive? That's your picture, right?

I agree with everything you are saying.I don't think you are being harsh.The fact of the matter is is the reality I already know.My world has changed so cmuch since I found out.

I agree totally 100percent with Robert. I'm so glad to see you here helping joybells. What Robert is saying is true and from the heart. Its not our fault we are just the ones that are in the sidelines hoping for the change to happen. You can only force it so far the rest is up to them. I gave the ultimatium and thank god he chose to go to SA and get help...

My husband doesn't think he has a problem and refuses to get help.When you start acting out and doing inappropiate things in front of young girls you have a problem and it only gets worse before it gets better and I can't help him if he refuses to help himself.