I attend S-Anon,(sanon.org)a 12-Step group for friends and families of sexaholics. I know I am not alone, have lots of love and support, and learn how to maintain a loving relationship with my fiancé who is a porn addict. Blessings!

I struggle with looking at porn too. I don't actually enter the sites but I sometimes just google things. Your husband like me has an addiction that has enslaved him. Hopefully he can get to the point that he wants help. Have you ever asked him if he wants to be clean and keep sex between just the two of you? If he does say yes then I recommend talking to a Christian counselor like I do if you are a person of faith. it is so much easier to escape something when you look to a higher power. Good luck..

He doesnt think he has a problem. I told him he does and he got so mad, and says at least he doing it at home and not out with someone. I found letters from previous relationships, its always been like this. How can i help him if he wont admit its a problem? His lack of intamacy is going the be the failure of our marriage.

That's a sad situation, I'm sorry you are suffering through this. I am not a professional but I've heard you can't help the other person if they don't want help but you can help yourself. Like on those tv shows intervention. They set down an ultimatum and go with it. I would definately get some professional advice though before making a drastic move. It sounds like your husband has a very serious problem to not want sex with a willing and attractive spouse. How long has this been going on? how long you been married? any kids?

Married 6 years, and my kids are grown up and moved out. Its been going on since the beginning. But in the last 2 years its gotten worse. I beg once a monrh, and still he rejects me. I dress sexy for bed. Offer body massages with oil. Nothing works. I feel like its hopeless. I am going to give him an ultimatum, but our conversations are so one sided and i always lose. So i feel its pointless.

wow that sucks, I can't say get a divorce because that's not something I can tell anyone to do but I wouldn't expect my wife to waste her life if I'm not going to give her the relationship she deserves as a partner and lover and spouse. You are at least trying to help yourself by coming here. I pray that he can open his eyes and see what harm he is doing.

Crystalf,
I am the wife of a recovering sex/porn addict and i am so sorry that you are going through this. By all means give him an ultimatum BUT only if you are willing to stick the consequences because chances are he will find new ways to keep up with his addiction. Most addicts will just get better at lying, or using or watching porn when they are confronted. Your husband WONT stop until he sees it as a problem and he has been very clear that he feels like it isnt a big deal. So there are a few things that you need to do for YOU. How much are you willing to put up with? Are you willing to stay in a marriage with someone that refuses to get help? to stop? to admit they are addicted? One thing i learned is to NEVER believe an addicts words only their actions and the same goes with the spouse of an addict. He will not believe you if you give him empty threats.So if you are ready to start taking care of you lay it on the line. Be blunt, honest, and tell him his porn use is hurting you as well as changing him. He has been proven that porn changes the makeup in the brain. Get him to watch yourbrainonporn.com or watch it yourself and get the info you need. This addiction is damaging you and causing trauma.

Thank you for the link Cabdycin i will definitely watch it. I dont think he will. I have also noticed in the last few years since his addiction has been getting worse he has so much rage. Not just anger but rage. If he knew i was on this site it would be very bad. Also do you know why he takes pictures of unsuspecting girls wearing tight clothes? He cut up all the clothes he thought were tight on me and i have to wear 2 sizes bigger than what i am. He says hes sick of every guy checking me out. But i never noticed anyone checking me out. Im not allowed to wear a bikini but i found pictures on his phone of girls at the lake wearing bikinis. Then he trys to turn it around and find something to get mad at me about to change the subject. His addiction is left me with no self esteem, and i have never been insecure before, and now i am very insecure about everything.

I’m so sorry, that hurts me to read that. Please forgive me but I can’t hold my tounge. Your husband is an asshole at least these days, He’s fortunate not to be married to my wife or his ass would be grass. You’ve got to get tough with him. That’s abusive demeaning behavior in my book. Sorry but I have no patience for bullies if that’s what he is.

Often when a sex addict goes through times of binge watching they have some guilt and try to stop for a few days , this addiction is an addiction just like any others and he goes through withdrawal often that comes out in rage. Often addicts are angry when they cant get the "fix" his brain needs. So if work, family time, errands get in the way of the time he wants to spend watching porn he gets angry. Deep down he doesnt want to watch porn or whatever other acting out he does but he cant stop ..he is an ADDICT ...and it pisses them off. As far as taking pictures of women in tight clothes, his addiction has gone to the next stage in porn addict, him taking pictures of women that way is illegal, and is classed as voyerisum. This simply not just a porn addiction anymore, and will likely get worse and worse. Often this type of behavior will lead to be arrested. SOmetimes it takes something that drastic to stop sadly that leaves you in the worst spot ever. I agree with joeybman, your husband is not only a bully and abusive to you emotionally but a manipulative narcissist. Generally speaking most sex addicts in some way show signs of being a narcissist. Some mild and some like your husband are full blown. I would never tell anyone to leave a marriage but i can tell you staying with this man is destroying you and unless he gets major help he will NEVER stop. Him turning it around on you and breaking your self esteem is also very classic of a sex addict and full blown narcissist ...he uses deflection to make it seem like everything is your fault and in order to make himself feel better he needs to break your self esteem and keeping you feel insecure about yourself keeps him in power and lets him keep on doing what he is doing.

Yes I feel so bad for you, your husband is lost right now. It’s like not only does he have an addiction he is adamantly in denial of it. I am thinking of you now while I pray for strength for you.

Thank you all for your support, and for the useful
Information. And Thank you Joey for your prayers.

So, I have a sexually addictive personality. It's a bit more controlled now than it was several years ago, when I joined this group. Prior to joining this group, I was acting out, and I didn't know why.

I'm into BDSM and I was spending like entire days looking at spanking porn (and falling behind in my career because of it). I didn't really understand why it was so intensely compelling to me. I also wasn't very attracted to my partner and I didn't want to have sex with him.

What I didn't understand, at that time, is that all the compulsions towards the BDSM, was related to childhood sexual abuse and incest. I have dis-associative amnesia and I didn't recall much of the abuse, but on an emotional level, I was highly affected by it, none the less.

These compulsions were my sub-conscious trying to work it out... Eventually it did work it's way out and I started to recover some memories, have flashbacks and PTSD. That sucked, big time.

Anyway, as I worked through it, those compulsions became less and less. I rarely inflict pain on myself anymore and I used to do it every time I had a few minutes alone. I look at porn, but not obsessively; now I usually just do it when I can't "get off" any other way. I have a strong link between arousal and spanking; it's just the way I am wired. I can try for hours to "get off"some normal way and just not get turned on, but a 10 second spanking clip and I'm soaking wet...

Anyway, I didn't want sex with my partner because it was a source of anxiety (The PTSD at work). But, I was still sexual and worked it out these other ways.

It's just not normal for a man not to want to have sex with and attractive partner who is trying to be sexy for him... I would not be surprised at all it the underlying issue is childhood sexual abuse.

If that is the case, he is just not going to get anywhere until that is addressed...

And just because he doesn't remember it doesn't mean it didn't happen... You have to pay a lot of attention to your emotions and what triggers you in order to figure it all out. I wouldn't be surprised if the tight clothing is tied into it somehow. Perhaps his abuser was a woman who wore tight clothing...

Just another perspective you may not have considered. Not that he deserves you. If he is cutting up your clothes, that is a bit extreme. You may need to get yourself out of the relationship.

Thank you for sharing your story. His dad used to fondle him when he was little. He told me when he was drunk. But he said thats all that happened. I don’t understand why he puts his dad on a pedestal. He used to beat all the kids. But he was the youngest and when the other kids moved out he was still little, and he tells me about all the things his dad bought for him. His sisters tell me abour the abuse, and don’t understand why he doesn’t remember it. I know he gas mental health issues, but he thinks he’s perfect and gets angry when i say there’s something wrong. He says i have mental health issues.

It's very difficult when a parent is your abuser. While they are the one harming you, they are also the one you are dependent on for all the things you need, including love and attention. It's common for abuse survivors to minimize and deny the abuse in order to cope and so that they can get through the day to day as children, but then they continue to do that as adults. Mostly, they have internalized blame for what happened and remain in denial about the nature of the parent.

For me, I had to get to a point where, it was okay for me to accept, emotionally that my father did all of these terrible things. I had to be able to stand on my own and be strong enough emotionally that my value, as a person was not diminished by realizing that my dad did not love me in the way that other parents love their children.

There are many complicated reasons why a person may not be prepared to come out of denial. Denial is protection from accepting and feeling deep pain... He may not have the support he needs, in place, to come to terms with it. Perhaps he is afraid to be seen as vulnerable and weak. The stigma for men is really intense... It's hard and people come out of denial when they are ready to (and sometimes they don't).

But, it won't get better until he can come to terms with it, process it, and recover.

And you, can spend a life time trying to but energy into something and getting nowhere if he can't come to terms with it.