Oh my god thats awful. You must have been devestated when you found out. My husband is on a dating site. Said he cant remember the password to delete it. He recently suscribed to Craigs list personals. Which he did before and was talking to a teansgender girl that told me she was a prostitute. But dhe wasnt gully trans gender. It makes me wonder. Then the whole swinging thing, the drugs. The dirty emails he gets from so many porn sites hes googled. He now deletes all his emails. I just feel its getting worse. 2 nights ago he got really mad and was yelling at me for priming the cuboards the wrong way. I dropped my pain brush and went to my room to just get away from it all. He told me later that he was sorry. I said your always so mean to me. Why? He said hes stressed out. He was drinking and he said i dont deserve you. Your beautiful, kind, anyone who knows you loves you cause you have a wonderful heart, and i dont know how i got so lucky to have you, but it was for a reason, and i thank god everyday. Its times like that, that make me want to stay. I dont know if he’s aware of what hes doing. His mood are so up and down. Theres still no intamacy even though i talked to him about it. How can i change that? I need physical contact. It doesn't have to be sex, but any kind of physical contact.

okay all that tells me he is chatting with lots online its very easy to do, free, and there are lots of willing women. Personals on craigs list are one of the main ways people find people for sex. His addiction has gone to the next level, it is no longer only porn. Talking to people online leads to webcam, and possible sex hook ups. His angry outbursts are for sure part of the addiction. Then the calmness and sorry comes after. The extreme emotions, the ups and downs, are addiction. You deserve connection but not that stuff that is coming along with it.

Crystalf..do you hear what you are saying? He doesn't allow me to wear this or that. He accuses me of a lot of guys checking me out. This is more than a porn addiction issue..this is also a control issue: him controlling you. Here's my guess and this is just a guess: He may have had childhood sexual trauma? He might have borderline personality disorder? He might have narcissitic personality disorder? My ex-wife had all three and both disorders were directly related to the childhood sexual trauma which went on for years (her uncle). I really felt sorry for what happened to her and we were married for ten years and have two (now adults) children together. However, in the end it was my sanity versus her disorders and I chose my sanity. I was also sexually abused once by uncle and I beleive it , in part, caused my sexual hangups and reliance on porn for masturbation. I can tell you from my own experience that too much porn can cause a man (or woman) to disconnect sexually with their partner and not perform as well in some cases. If he's bold enough to ask you to swing, especially against your will, then he's pretty far gone and you absolutely will not get him back unless he makes the change for your sake and his.

I apologize..I didn't read the entire thread before I posted. So, what's known is he was sexually abused by his father (asshole) and he is most likely a narcissist.
Read up on Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and if he does indeed fall into that category you may never have a normal life with him. My ex would put me on a pedastal one day and tear me down three days later. This pattern happened basically happened constantly throughout our marraige. She knew how to give me just enough hope that things would get better just to get in a rage, deflect her insecurity and self-hatred onto me to convince me all things wrong is due to mine or someone else's fault.

I know hes a naraccist. He thinks he's perfect and wont go to the doctor. Life is hard. I’ve cried my self to sleep almost evey night for the last 4 years. The first 2 years he seemed like the most amazing man. So kind and gentle, and i fell for him. Sex was always an issue but it was at least once a month. I thought it was because he was tired from work. After i married him a girl told me he does lines with cocaine. I said he would never! Then one night he was really drunk and kept leaving the room. I said what are you doing? He said do you want a line. Of course i was completely shocked cause he told me that girl was lying cause she wanted to date him. I said no of course, and from that time is when everything started to spiral. The wanting to swing. The sick sexual fantasies. He would masterbate to porn for hours. I was sick to death. Cocaine is not an issue anymore. I managed to put a stop to that. But it took me moving out snd coming back. It was really bad. This last year hes only done it twice. I kept telling myself i can help him change. But when i said he had a porn addiction he went into a rage, and yelled at me for an hour straight. I know i cant save him. Im scared of him, and if ibtry to move i dont know whats going to happen, and secondly im scared to be alone forvthe rest of my life. He has destroyed my self esteem. I have so many in securties, and i have serious trust issues. I know hes cheated on me twice which he denies. But i have the text messages. He thinks hes a good person, and at times he is. But he needs help and he wont accept it because hes ill.

Hi Crystalf,

You're in a tough situation. I would pray and ask God what to do. I can only speak for my own situation. My wife was in your shoes several years ago. The worldly advice she received was divorce me however she committed to praying for me everyday. She watched this movie called War Room and that really opened her eyes to the spiritual realm. She started to really fight for our marriage when I didn't deserve it at all. She found a prayer warrior at church who prayed through thick and thin. Anon's also really helped her. I will be forever in her debt. Our marriage is now a beautiful flower with blessing stretching out in every direction. It took some time for me to hit bottom and finally cry out to God for help. Until I did that, I was a helpless lot.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. I'll pray for you two.

I pray every night, and i told God i forgive him, and i asked God to help me release all the anger and pain, and sadness i have in my heart. I feel so heavy with all the feelings that i feel deep in the pit of my stomach and in my heart. I dont think he’ll hit rock bottom. He doesnt see it as a problem. He said its not cheating cause he’s not going out and actually sleeping with anyone. Its not just the porn. Its the rage. I asked God to help me love myself again, and give me some direction. I feel like he’s sucking the life from me. Please pray for us, and Thank you.

Hi Crystalf,

I think you would be very moved by the movie War Room. I'm pretty sure it's free right now on Amazon Prime if you're a Prime customer. There's another movie my wife and I watched together that caught my attention called Fireproof. Also a book that really touched my heart and encouraged me called, Every Man's Battle. These type of resources are not shaming or harsh but inspiring and appealing. In a gentle way, they can get the message across. Normally us men have an incredible difficult time admitting we feel shame... not only that but if we feel shame we want to act out to get the heck out of feeling the shame. It was easier for me when my wife was mean, harsh, demanding, and critical of me about my struggle than when she loved me, forgave me, spoke life into me, encouraged me, believed in me... that was so hard to hear from my wife because everything inside me said, "I'm unloveable, I don't deserve anything, I'm worthless garbage, how could you possible love me." I can't speak for your man I can only share my experience. There is a really good audio recording called Healing the Shame that Binds by John Bradshaw. I had no idea what shame was until I listened to John describe it over and over. I must have listened to that audio book 200 times. I would put it on as I went to bed. The enemy wants to destroy your husband and he wants to destroy your marriage and family. The world will tell you it's hopeless but if I learned anything it's to follow God above anybody else. Keep asking God what to do. Fast and pray about it until you get your answer and while you're at it, become keep being a prayer warrior for your husband and your family. God speed.

At this point in my life (51) the only people I'm willing to put ahead of myself is my children (daughter 24 and son 21) and will not tolerate any type of emotional or physical abuse from anyone else including my current wife. Fortunately, she is a very good person and has more reasons to leave me than I do her. Independence or co-dependence...it can be a hard choice but sometimes a necessary one. Also, no one can change another person,..that person has to change for themselves

It might be a matter of leaving for a little while ...sometimes addicts need to see that he is choosing porn over you ..that might be his rock bottom. Doesnt mean your marriage is over, doesnt mean you wont be able to come back ...but it does mean that your mental well being is being attacked by his actions. You can get spiritual guidance as well as therapy for you. I dont believe that GOD intends for you to stay in a marriage that is destroying you, one of his children. I hope that you can get the help you deserve and that he sees what he is doing to you and gets the help he wants. It is true my marriage has been cracked because of my husbands years of addiction but the last 5 years have been the best years we have had, only because my husband is sober, in recovery, present, loving, passionate, and we have a better relationship physically, emotionally and spiritually.

I like your note Candycin.

sadly, partners occasionally don't realize the extent of the others disheartenment. Sometimes because it hasn't been clearly laid out before them and other times because they truly don't believe they've contributed to the others pain. In those instances a clear but firm stance may be required to get through to invoke change. I also share that sometimes they misinterpret their needs (the 5 love languages - book) for example speaks of how some people need affection and physical touch, while others thrive on acts of kindness or being a provider and gift giver. One believes they've done nothing wrong because in their eyes they are giving to the other. Without knowing what the other values most, needs can go unmet - but it can be fixed when realized.

Another consideration is how someone reacts when pursued. They often distance from the pursuer

One more thought... don't let your happiness be the sole responsibility of another. Do the things that make you happiest.

I will also add, that porn addiction, like any other addiction benefits most with counselling and support. If he's unwilling to participate there is still support for the other partner, often free