I know how you feel

Before you act out reach out.
Get some good accountability partners who you can contact before you act out and that will help you understand why you are running from things.

@memphiswh If I had someone, but living alone, and with my head injury, my impulse control is kinda shot. I move around a lot, and just, I can be doing fine, then, hard to explain, but I'm doing things, usually want to, feels like fun, it isn't until lots later that I feel crappy.

it will always feel creepy, bad, and wrong until you can know why you are addicted to it.
You might want to try and find a local SA group.
Keep writing in your journal daily
praying daily
and reading the bible and order books

Come here often. Find Profile to talk to when those times hit you. See if we can give you some insight or give you a positive distraction

No offense Memphis, but god has forgotten about me. I'm glad you find comfort in religion, but for me, just brings pain..

Becca, I understand that,
But you are loved by God, he has not forgotten about you. He is waiting for you.
You are one of his many gifts to the world. He is waiting for you to come to him, through faith, prayer and Christ into his loving embrace and know you are a real person with real emotions. Come to him on your own terms.
He loves you because you are awesome. He loves you because he knows your inner strength is powerful, he loves you because he knows when you are ready to become progressively victorious over lust you will be the amazing person he knows you can be.
We all sin, lie, cheat, and steal. We all are wanting to be loved, accepted, and feeling the embrace of that.
We have to love ourself first and then love God and learning how to do both is very important.
We trick ourselves into believing that the pleasure of the skin will make us whole. We give away our life, pride, spirit, and soul to lust. All of this destroys us.
We are afraid of not being loved, we have been told we aren't worthy, and have accepted the lie.
We are loved, we must love ourself and tend to our soul.
You pain is real, and it runs deep,
I ask that you try to read the bible, try to pray, and write everyday in your journal.
When you feel the lonely, bored, sad, scared, afraid, unloved reach out.
We are here to help you be the best version of yourself you can be.

One of the best things I got from 12 step recovery is

God as I understand god.

And yeah, for me 2 days after, lets say an event, is when the anxiety hits and I realize I was not in my right mind, I would Feel kind of foolish actually. Like, you said it WTF
Have a good one Bec

I'm glad your god loves and cares for you, brings you comfort when you are hurting. But I remember thinking and feeling the way you do. Being in church, all what I thought were my friends. Following his path, then things went upside down. People say don't judge, don't assume, everything is part of god's plan. So maybe my life now is part of his plan and I'm doing what I'm supposed to. I do remember when I was being held and broken in, I gave up, begged for help and forgiveness. Like a miracle, at that moment, the door would open, but no god, just more guys. So let god make you feel good, like I said, just bring me more pain.

Mornin sunshine

So just got to make this totally clear
I DO NOT DO RELIGION.
I more think of god as " THE FORCE" Use the force Bec lol
Collective consciousness, Something like that, I don't know. It's all speculation anyways when it comes to belief in some kind of an higher power. When I was younger ,say early 20 s , and wondering what life was all about and stuff. I got kind of wrapped up in the whole"life after death" thing. Then a buddy said to me", We live to wonder and we die to know" That made sense to me. Thanks Vince.

So I like to drink eh, Do I need to drink?. I love to drink. hell I'll put back 20 beer on a good night and still be able to drive. Getting better though, Put my bed back in my car last week lol. Now I can hang with my friends. all night and wake up around people. Do you have many friends Bec? I hope so. To be social. To laugh and be Generous and kind to all.. Even to those that don't like me, who may judge and put me down. Fuck them. I try not to judge and get angry. though. I TRY. Because I have learned the hard way that when I hold on to resentment, I always end up in the freaking gutter, so to speak. Anger eats me up.
Fuck Bec I really hope I'm not coming across as some kind of a preacher or anything, cause that behavior fucked me up when I was 20 and preaching the gospel of nutrition. Yeah that was a fucked up time in my life. Just lost and confused.
So anyways I figure that anything that lifts the spirits and takes away depression is a gift from God , the universe Whatever term floats your boat. The first time that I shot coke was an eye opener. My depression was gone. And it appeared that my eating disorder was in remission lol So what how can this shit be bad, Its is the only thing out there that ever worked for me.
Did some research and it turns out that some psychologists actually use coke in therapy. go figure
Hope I didn't go on to much, but I am getting to old to not be who I truly am.
I have to be real. and honest If I lie I die.
So much that I am ashamed of. Can't hold it in anymore.
God I'm going on again lol
Hope u Have an awesome day Bec

lol....thanks...made lots of sense. Funny, I was what is called a good girl. Yeah, I did things, but most things were done to me. When I did what I wanted was with my b/f at the time, We knew each other from church, his family liked me, I liked them, even tho I was a lot younger, they were cool. I had lots of friends, people I loved and cared about. Then in one day, it was all gone. All the people I thought were my friends, turned their backs on me. When they heard I was living on the streets, They laughed, made lots of facebooks memes about it. When they heard I tried suicide, too bad I messed up on that too. So, my friends now, a couple of homeless men, they helped me a lot, I helped them, when I go back, I will be around them. Only real friends I get are other working girls just trying to get by. I talk to the ones without a pimp, cuz those girls are just strung out and sad. I sometimes go look at their old fb pages, see what is going on. I've been gone a couple of years, and they still blame me for my b/f getting into drugs and he stopped going to church. Funny, cuz he and me never did sex, I was a virgin when I was kicked out, didn't matter, they all assumed. I had my life pretty set, I wanted to be a wife, mom, maybe a teacher or a nurse, something like that. Never ever did drugs. guess god had other plans for me.
I used to be angry and bugged by what happened and how they ignored me but now, idk, I've moved on. I get angry easy, at stupid things, but found out that is part of the head injury, my sexual acting out, impulse control and getting mad. I've gotten better at the mad stuff, prolly cuz I dont want to get my ass kicked any more.

I used the 12 step God to stop me from drugs and alcohol and I found Him to be a much nicer God then the one I grew up with going to church so I'll stick with the 12 step God., because whenever I need Her the most, She whispers in my left ear, "I am here"

God Bless

hey Bec
Haven't turned on my computer for a few days. Been kind of busy working and partying with my friends.
Don't know what to say about what happened with you, your family and friends except that it makes me feel sad. Having all those p[people in your life, the dreams and then having it all taken away. Sounds traumatic to me. Having that all happen when u were so young.
I feel that I lost my family when my Dads Dad died when I was six. My father never said a word to me or my brother about anything after that. He was just angry. Kept it all inside I guess. I do feel like I was abandoned emotionally, but I still had a home and family. Not sure what causes more pain, physical or emotional abandonment. All I know is that I began to have suicidal ideology by the time I was 19. Shitty way to live. How does one build a life when u can't get close to anyone, but u want to, need to, and u don't even like yourself.?
I am working on all this.
Dads dead now but moms still around. I know that i need to open up to my Mom, tell her how I feel. Say what is on my mind. I have been opening up to her, but there are so many things I would like to express to her, but am afraid.
Is your Dad around Bec? has he ever been there?
I realize that I need to Feel totally comfortable with and to express love for my mom before I can have a meaningful relationship with a girl, and i am taking the steps, but wholly cow is it scary. Emotional stuff. speaking from my heart. Feels like it is not in my DNA although my councilors have been drilling it into my head that this is not so.

So Maria said it was over to Paul; yesterday, He got back from Vancouver and started packing his stuff. Maria and I have been opening up to each other. Just having fun too for the past couple days as Paul has been away. So we played No sex Nothing sexual, except talking about sex and our personal experiences. We went for a drive and a hike out in the forest, Something we both grew up doing.
Then last night had quite a few beers, Got into some deep conversation, I just touche her thigh, and she freaked out. Not a big deal but then she went to see her ,so she says X.
That I could not take. Had to go home.
Dont know what to do
I have to guard my heart though cause I am falling for her and I can't just be her friend. I mean I can be her friend but not if she is with someone else that she is going to bitch about all the time when the two of us seem so freaking compatible.
My stomach is churning.
Hope u are well bec
thanks for letting me vent although u have no choice because of the one line thing lol
have a great day

Not sure what to think of her. When you say she freaked, that can mean lots of different things, maybe a flashback cuz she wasn't expecting it to who knows. Sounds like you need to talk and if she doesnt feel the same way, then you know and time to move on. And yeah, if all she is gonna do is talk about this other guy, get away from her asap, will only get worse.
No idea who my dad is, even on my birth cert, father is blank. I asked my mom about it once, got the shit beat out of me and told to never bring it up again.

Its like your reading my thoughts and feeling when I go through this. It feels so good in the middle and then when I’m done I almost immediately feel disgusted and I tell myself I won’t do this again......and I fail once again. Your not alone