I personally take issue with the term defect because it has a very negative connotation, and as we all have learned negativity feeds the addicted mind.

So perhaps we could use the term unhealthy traits instead because basically that is what they are, saying we have defects would indicate shame and judgment implied which is not helpful during recovery.

Saying they are unhealthy removes the implications and allows us to change them to healthy traits which is where we need to be to live a sober life.

Just saying,
Wolf (5 years sober)

During my recovery this ritual taken from 40 days to a Joyful Life were very helpful to me:

Early Morning Joy Ritual (EMJR).

What could I read, watch, or listen to during the first fifteen minutes Im awake?

What should I avoid reading, watching, or listening to?

How could I prepare myself for this EMJR the night before?

What could I tell myself the instant I wake up every morning?

What should I avoid telling myself the instant I wake up?

How could I intensify my gratitude in the First Fifteen?

How could I use prayer and Scripture?

How could I use the 4:8 Question?

And these suggestions were also helpful:

think excellent thoughts, not mediocre thoughts;

think focused thoughts, not scattered thoughts;

think fresh, exciting thoughts, not stale, boring thoughts;

think compassionate thoughts, not harsh thoughts;

think innovative thoughts, not common thoughts;

think loving thoughts, not indifferent thoughts;

think energetic thoughts, not exhausted thoughts;

think constructive thoughts, not destructive thoughts;

think helpful thoughts, not hurtful thoughts;

think successful thoughts, not failure thoughts;

think faith thoughts, not fear thoughts;

think fit thoughts, not fat thoughts;

think bold thoughts, not comfort thoughts;

think opportunity thoughts, not security thoughts;

think giving thoughts, not getting thoughts;

think serving thoughts, not self-centered thoughts;

think grateful thoughts, not entitled thoughts;

think abundant thoughts, not lacking thoughts;

think responsible thoughts, not irresponsible thoughts;

think reconciliation thoughts, not retaliation thoughts;

think principled thoughts, not popular thoughts;

think positive thoughts, not negative thoughts;

think thoughts of victory, not thoughts of defeat;

think about the promises of God, not the problems of this world.

Also taken from 40 days to a Joy filled life by Tom Newberry which was the way a great book since it has great activities to improve one's life for the better based on Philippians 4:8 verse

I want to make a disclaimer, I am by no means preaching, I am merely using what work for me and sharing it. What you do with the information is always up to you.

Wolf (sober for 5 years)

Hello...I'm checking in...I felt a weak moment creeping in last night but ask God to take it away and infuse its spirit into me....thank goodness....it was certainly a reminder how sneaky my obsession can be, even one day after my step 5...lol...I was humbled by it and respected its force in my life....anyways, I am praying to get through another day...oh, I also look at my defects again, and G., I appreciate your interest in me, however, my step 4 / 5 was a very personal journey and step 6 / 7 and my list of imperfections are my personal list which I share with my sponsor, a few close friends, and my higher power at this point in my recovery....perhaps, one day, I will be comfortable to be more open with it online and with others...hope this addresses your question...and Wolf, I appreciate your list of suggestions....have a great day.

Checking in.

I do without exception, to an extent, if that is possible, respect your need for anonymity and non-disclosure. All I ask is for you to consider the fact that if I were to hear your defect, or unhealthy trait, it might allow me to recognize it in myself, and then I could experience the happiness you did from the identification.

Another thing is I am in war right now from a cerebral setting psychologically, and the strength you've been gaining (I've noticed just from your posts), could give me the fuel needed to slay my own personal beast.

In your interest, you don't know me and you are making the right move by politely telling me you would rather not detail the "flaw" or "imperfection", so good job, and keep doing what makes you feel and do wholesome things.

The illness is such a bastard or cause for ill concern it will take opportunities like the liberating experience of doing step work and flip it on us to persuade us to think we've done something wrong when we couldn't have done anymore right.

I also want to commend you for doing all this on the road, most people need a break to incorporate recovery into their lives, however I am seeing your willingness to do and be better in a good and healthy way pushing your success, and I just want to say it is a pleasure to be witnessing.

Great job, Have a great day.

Hello....checking in....for me today, on my journey, recovery is initially a program of subtraction...a reduction of self...asking God to remove my defects of character which blocks the sunshine of God's grace into my life...wishing everyone a great day.

Checking in.

I second what inner quest just said.

Have a great day.

I remember I asked the same favor, as it were and nothing happened. To makes matters worse, my so called defects became more obvious so I decided to ask for clarity on this matter and to be shown a better way to address them.

It became obvious to me that the "defects" were not the problem but how I chose to see them. I decided that naming them and thanking them for showing me there is a better way to be, helped me to not so much erase them but it allowed me to be more self aware.

For instance, I had a serious problem with anger and it was crippling me, so naturally I asked it to be removed, well that did not happen but what did happen was that I was shown anger is not a defect per se if handled properly.

More to the point, I asked to have the porn addiction to be removed and while I was healed from it, the addictive tendency remains but now that I have embraced it so to speak, it does not show itself anymore, I know it is there and by me knowing it is there, I can keep myself grounded. As they say what you resist, persists

Another issue I had was self importance, once I realized that the world owes me nothing and only the earth revolves around the sun, I was able to stop that mentality from creeping up and grounding myself every time I feel a so called injustice or injury also helps

What i am basically saying is that I learned I have never been given anymore than I am capable of handling. Only my ego seemed to think otherwise, and that I am exactly as I am supposed to be, that my "defects" are there because how can I know light if I do not know dark

And my "defects" are a part of what makes me, me. It is up to me always whether to use them to my advantage or let them dictate my life. But the most important lesson was that I treated God like Santa Claus, so that I did not have to deal with those parts of myself I did not like. Guess what, I had to learn to deal with them and learn from them. So now I have come to love them and thank them.

Wolf (5 years sober)

Good Morning....I am checking in....I have learning not to identify with my defects but to know that they are part of me and my history....I try my best to not let my defects operate my life.....I try to let the Spirit within me operate my life, not my Self (which I use as a shorthand for all my defects of character) ..I know my defects are there within me, laying dormant much like my addiction, waiting for me to slip back to an old way of thinking...thinking that is often undetectable to me....so, when I notice myself drifting into an erotic haze, I stop and breath and I say to myself, "breath in God, breath out Self....breath in God, breath out Self....breath in God, breath out Self"....anyways, it works for me, for it breaks the start of obsessive thinking and allows my Spirit (connect to God's grace) to be operating my life....wishing everyone a great day.

Inner,

I have learned that my Self is the part of me that is connected to Spirit as you call it and I call Ego that part of me connected to wordly things or associated with my so called defects so by keeping my ego in check I can then be able to operate from my Self than from my Ego


Wolf

Checking in.

InnerQuest, you're doing a great job and I can tell you are experiencing recovery. The great part is you are feeding me the confidence to realize I also can experience it.

I have fallen back into relapse mode, very dangerous period for me right now with this particular addiction. I have been acting out, I have been choosing acting out over my responsibilities and God, and I am again feeding off your spirituality to stay alive.

It took a turn real quick with a "dormant" resentment, and in no time i was my old self again, I'm talking it happened in a matter of hours.

I feel better now though.

I am going to have to surrender to myself though, my self is the problem, my self thought it could take the lead again and it lead me straight into a hole.

I pick sex over everything else all the time, so the good news is I can at least know there is no option of me saying no when it comes to sex.

I wasn't doing the first step, I thought I had power over the addiction again, and it used that to make me fiend to see sex performed, dark sex performed, dark productions where people are doing rebellious and intense things.

I can identify with the actors and actresses because I get it, and I get what is driving them, so I kind of feel at home watching porn, they are like me so I feel like I know them, however I am starting to see the deep pain it can cause, and I am starting to see the lies and the evil it can produce, and I'm starting to be given the gift of seeing the liability of my sexual instinct.

Hope you have a great day, it's great to see your success.

When we cannot stop the addictive cycle and we keep not only relapsing but also escalating the acting out it is a clear indication that something is NOT working. Perhaps the recovery program may be the problem or something in it, it could also be us who insanely think we can stop the acting out while not going back frame by frame as it were to see exactly where is the clog in our recovery, as it were.

Is it our delusions? It is our negative attitudes feeding the addict mind? Is it our lack of determination? Is it lack of self awareness? Are we more invested in the acting out and justifying it because someone said something to us we did not like?

I personally learned that I had to get real when something was not working, never relapsed but came close, I could have easily blamed the weather for my probable relapse but I knew that getting real included being blunt about and admitting that all i needed was to allow my ego to feed me lies I no longer believed, so there was not other option but to change what needed changing and I had to do it gazillions of times during the first 2 years.

Do you know why? It was because I no longer wanted to feel bad, I had had a taste of freedom from the addiction and how great that felt for however short a time it was and there was no way I was going back to that madness when I could live much better and it was because I refused to allow my negative emotions to run my life. I knew better and I was acting on that knowledge.

Yes, it is true that momentary high from indulging gives us a high but when the dust settles hell breaks loose, why keep doing that when there is a better way. Deep down we know this but for some reason we keep behaving in unhealthy ways, so we need to ask ourselves why.

The gist of my post is this: When find ourselves relapsing and acting out every time life throws a wrench in our plans, it is time to ask ourselves in relation to sobriety, and to quote Don Henley, "How bad do you want it? Not bad enough" if we keep relapsing

Wolf (5 years sober)

Hello...I am checking in...I was at a business awards dinner/gala last night and I thought I would be distracted but I ended being ok and enjoyed the evening.....I touched base with my higher power throughout the evening...I feel like there is an opening or clearing from my heart to my higher power now...I think my Step 4/5 and Step 6/7 is allowing the Spirit to be infused in me....I can't really explain it...I just know it is working.....have a great day.

Wolf,

I am tired of your will driven solution and demeaning those who fall victim to the obsession and compulsion of sexual addiction.

It is clear that the disease is so powerful any desire to stop is not possible. If we didn't want to stop what are we doing in a Sex Addiction support group?

Please don't preach the solution of will driven power anymore on this thread. I can't stop you from doing so, however it is harming the person who truly cannot stop due to the real fact that sexual addiction doesn't allow the sex addict the willpower required to stop or even want to stop, we have to be willing to want to stop first, you're asking us to skip the first step of willingness and do it on our own, it is clear we need others help, but your solution puts the responsibility squarely on ourselves, the source that created the problem in the first place, what sense does that make?

I made the mistake of breifley reading the end of you post and it has now created a resentment, and I should have just stuck to ignoring everything you say, however you are harming people with your solution, your habit based self will approach, and I'd like you to stop or educate yourself on the reality that genuine sex addiction doesn't allow anyone who is ill from it to stop on their own.

Back to business, enough of that bullshit.

Things I've done today to give myself a good chance of not doing anything problematic from the fact that I am a sex addict.

Prayed, showered and groomed, read spiritual literature (even though extremely painful to get through), decided to focus on the positive and be grateful, am thinking of others and enjoying who they are, not taking myself too seriously.

Throughout the day I will eat right as much as possible, find positive outlets for my frustration and anger, and allow women the space and peace they require to feel free and equal.

Have a great day.

Checking in.

I am starting to see how my power driving, my will to be perfect and see things run at maximum levels is ruining my personal relationships. To give an specific example I am pushing the people I work with too hard by working way too hard for them to attempt the same, so I will change my pace and give them a break, even though I have no intention of exhausting them. I am going to focus on not exhausting people today. I would bet money I will not be able to do it as well as my ego likes, but then I will use inventory at the end of the day to see the action I did to achieve the goal.

Have a great day.

Hi...I am checking in...I feel good this morning...I will do what is only necessary....there is a sticky note on my desk that says, "Do something today that your future self will thank you for"....I feel clean today....a sort of lightness of being...wishing everyone a good day.