So 2 weeks ago I almost did it, my wrist were covered in blood and I had a bottle of pills in my hand. I was sitting on my bathroom floor in the dark when my mom walked in and found me. She started asking me all kinds if questions and was bawling her eyes out. She walked out and left the door open to make a call, I was completely motionless, I sat in the same position for about 20 minutes while she sat beside me waiting for me to move or talk. I didn't know what happened its like I had no control of it, I just got up and walked outside. I don't know where I was going to go but I just kept walking. I was halfway down the street when my aunts came and helped my mom stop me. They rushed me to the hospital and still I never talked. Nurses and social workers kept asking me questions and I never said anything. I spent the night at the hospital and when I woke up the next day they told me they were taking me to a mental hospital. I didn't put up a fight, I barely even talked to anyone. I didn't talk to anyone when I got there until it was "quiet time" and i met my room mate. We got along great, pretty much everyone did, it was like we all understood each other. I still didnt feel like I was myself though, it just all felt like a bad dream. I spent 4 days there, my first day I didnt get visitors because my mom had just dropped me off. The 2nd day my mom and my younger cousin came to visit, it was nice, I was talking to people again and i didnt cry when they left..... but the 3rd day. My older cousin came to visit because i had asked my mom the day before that i wanted to see him. Now he's my favorite person in the whole world, and he's always been there, last year i told him i wanted to commit suicide and we had a long talk about why it would be a horrible idea. I had promised him I would never do it because I know I'm too weak to try and because he told me I wasn't allowed to leave him alone like that. That day when he came to see me, I was so happy because i would see him, but when we sat down and i saw the look of hurt on his face i broke. I didnt even cry when i saw my own mother, but when i saw him it hurt so bad. I started apologizing and crying and begging him to forgive me. He couldnt even look me in the eyes. He just kept looking around the room, never making eye contact with me. After awhile we just started having "normal" conversation and then it was time to say goodbye. I thought I had already gotten out all my tears but I hugged him and I couldnt let go, i broke again and just held on to him. He left and i went into the group room where everyone else was watching a movie, I tried talking to them and joking around but i kept thinking of my cousin and it made me want to cry. So i went to my room and cried and no one ever noticed. I hated where i was and that i put myself there. I swore i would never give them a reason to send me back, but everyday i look at my wrist and i feel like i need to cut again. Its only been 2 weeks but it feels like forever. Every night i dream that im back at that horrible place and i see my cousins hurt face. I dont want to see him like that again, but everyday its like a struggle and i cant stand it. i just dont know what to do anymore. i dont want to go back...

thanks for reading and sorry for how long it is, i just really needed to let this out.