im a bit dyslixic
so my text is a bit odd

how i went 6 years

i had 1 friend that
i told that i was doing this

she didnt say it was bad or good
just accepted it

and that was ok with me
i didnt need judging

she knew i was doing this and kept a check on me

then i decided not to hurt me anymore
its not fair

i promised her i wouldnt do it
and i didnt want to let her down

so i was sort of stopping for someone else
because i had lost repsect for myself

it was worth more to me to do it for someone else

the first days were hardest
it was "i wont do it "
the first weeks were hard
it was like ticking off days on the wall

then it was months
and it felt like something i was building that i cant breake

drinking was a bad combination
so that had to be in control as well

it became a bit like a tower of cards that i didnt want to fall

every night it was in my mind
even the day

i would see red or a sharp object
and it was hard to cope

i had bad days where i had a blade in my hand but i said to my self no you deseve better
you would not cut your friend ,,,why your self
so i didnt

soon the days became months ,,then 6 months
but the idea of it was still there
then it was a year
but the image was still there
but got less

in bad times i had to keep talking myself out of it

i knew i hated myself more as a cutter
so i didnt
i told myself i would make things even more complex if i did

so i coped ,i cryed some times
i think the lack of tears is a big thing
with cutting
cutters dont cry that much
and when you do its a big relife

so in the end the images of red that stand out on ads or tv and sharp things fade

but most days are hard still
if things go well you can sleap with happy thoughts and they are good days
on bad days its a fight and you feel like an alcohlic fighting some past thing that wont let go

we are only human in the end
we hurt and we should cry really

but some times that feels blocked
and this happens
there is no shame in tears


things will get better just keep holding on
for tomorrow
x