february 9th was the last time i cut. i think i knew it was the last time as soon as i did it, because cutting was always something that made me immediately more relaxed and at peace with myself. but this last time, i had been going to therapy for months already, and i started to feel more and more guilt and disappointment in myself every time i cut. so i guess it just stopped being as helpful to get rid of negative feelings as it once was, because it just added more negative feelings.

i think it's important to say that, because it wasn't really that i wanted to stop cutting, but more that i felt like i had to. i think that's how most people probably end up quitting as well, but it just sucks.

a few months ago i came so close to relapsing. i was desperate, and constantly debating whether i should give into the daily urges now, before i hit a year clean, or wait until after being a year clean. neither option seemed good to me, because i hated the idea of starting over. and that's pretty much the only reason i still haven't done it now.

for some reason i told my friends that i was about to be a year clean pretty soon, and they want to do something to celebrate it. so i've been Googling things and looking up different ways that people have celebrated being a year clean from SH.
in fact, i was just doing that a few minutes ago, but i felt myself start to get really anxious. i became aware of my heartbeat speeding up and started to panic a bit. just the idea of throwing a huge party or doing a big thing for this is nerve wracking, and i don't know why. i know i should be so happy for accomplishing this and feel proud, but somehow i can't feel proud because the whole time i've been "healing" and "overcoming this" i've still just been wanting to cut. nothing has changed except for the fact that i just don't do it anymore.
i still want to cut almost everyday. i feel like i shouldn't even deserve to celebrate this.

and don't get me wrong, i know that i have made some progress. i mean, even though i want to cut all the time, i still have found some way to finally say no to those urges. i still found a way to stop, and i guess that's really what we're celebrating. i do know that i'm also more mentally stable now and i try to solve my problems rationally instead of resorting to something that will make me forget them temporarily.

honestly, i think what the biggest issue is here is that i'm so afraid of cutting it again, and this is only amplifying that fear. my friend asked me what i wanted to do to celebrate, and i joked saying, "the only thing i want to do to celebrate not cutting anymore, is cut again." but i'm beginning to realize that's not just a joke, and that's honestly the only "reward" i can see really making me happy for making it this far.
it's also scary, because i know that after a year passes, i will never be able to self harm again unless it's something seriously huge. after a whole year of being clean, i can't see myself just throwing that away. if i do, i will hate myself for it, and my SH will probably become even worse than it was before. but the idea of never doing it again is also terrifying, because i feel like i will have these urges forever.

i've learned how to stop giving in to the urges, but i haven't learned how to stop them.