I am approaching twenty next month on the 26th and I am not having such an easy time.
I have been sober and its made things a lot worse. I have been babysitting two children ages 1 and 2 they are both my nephews. The youngest is visiting (we have the same birthday) and the older is living with us. My sister is making it harder to watch them because she likes to play parent when I have them tired out. I have a schedule to allow them two hours of outside play some lunch a bath and then a nap for two hours she has begun to interrupt it today.
I am off the edge I just haven't started to fall yet. I am having horrible visions everywhere even out of the house and in the stores I can't be alone because I see children following me and then they disappear I am very afraid that someone is watching me that they are after me and trying to harm me. I'm scared that they are in my house and they put things inside to harm me as well. Like antibacterial spray that I clean with was replaced with something I've never used before. Cars creep pass me people are whispering. Children laughing people around houses but they disappear. The other day my mother came up the stairs and went into her bathroom to shower but when I went downstairs she was still down there. She told me she had never come up to shower. People are just walking by me and no real emotion but they are real people , they aren't shadows they are as real as me. My voices are sort of dormant they aren't really bothering me much until I feel suicidal perfect timing I guess.
My fear is that I will end up in the hospital and have to spend my birthday there. I don't want to go to the hospital but my Pdoc has refused to see me and I have no transportation to my therapist till next week or when someone wants to take me or feels I need to be there which is never when I actually need it which is normally once a week. My meds have run out I have nowhere to turn except the emergency room or the mobile crisis center. I don't want to be in the hospital. But I am having disturbing thoughts of murdering someone and it pleases me a lot. Its family and people around me. i want to harm them before they harm me. I don't want to die without a fight. My voices keep telling me when I am afraid that I am going to die soon. It scares me I am in an extreme state of fear. I can't help myself because all of my obligations but on the other hand if I don't go I wont be stable enough to take care of those if I don't talk to someone. I just want to be okay I am breaking inside.