Um, melly? You're still a Goddess Warrior, or you would have snapped in two long before this! That's an awful lot of things on your plate. But that's the thing about being a Goddess Warrior..............there's nothing to it in peacetime. It's when everything gets tough that warrior women shine through, so, honey, this is apparently your moment. You're not only still YOU, you're a stronger version.

I have dealt with someone who teeters between depression and anger, and who sometimes manages to exhibit both at the same time. It has helped me enormously to recognize that there's impulse control problems and immaturity and some self-centeredness on this person's part, but not necessarily evil intent or a desire to harm. In good moments, I have had some success pointing out that if this person wants to actually achieve any goals there needs to be a different approach, and I've made it clear that I have the right to disengage (in fact, that's the word I use when it has to happen) and walk away from the drama. I'm willing to discuss it calmly later, but I don't enable the drama anymore. I did not present this as 'what I want / need' but rather as 'a way we can achieve our goals', which I think made it seem less judgmental to him. Good luck with it. Remember you deserve to be treated with kindness, and remember to breathe.

Forget the PTSD....the criteria for getting that diagnosis is much, much more than you might realize. [But maybe your PTSD comment was just tongue in cheek.]

Yes, you CAN take a vacation by yourself, Go for it.

How exactly do you feel when you take the injectable MTX?

Perhaps if you focus on resolving your relationship with family you won't feel as "crappy." Yes, I'm suggesting that it's possible that the RA is a "go-to" place when all else is going wrong. You might begin by dragging your husband back to the psychiatrist who's prescribing the meds. Could be he needs a tweak in dose. [Or maybe he's not taking them?]

As far as biologics, if you really think MTX is not for you, then you need to do your homework about RA treatments. Google the term "RA treatment" and you'll get a lot of info.

There are no quick fixes for anything. Sometimes you've got to take the bull by the horns and make changes happen.

Is your husband in the bipolar forum here? He might learn a lot from interacting with others that have bipolar disorder, especially the importance of being med compliant. I know quite a bit about it. Plus, it seems like some men never want to admit to being mentally ill. My husband had major depression. It took him 25 years to get on full AD's and it made a radical difference both to him and our relationship. He stayed on it, because he discovered he could do his job so much better. I think bipolar would be the same, having some experience with it.

I have never felt bad after a mthx shot, except for the first one this round. I had been off for 7 years, and so my body did react a bit, but seemed to work quickly and not get sick after that.

But that is me. You definitely need to talk to your rheumatologist and tell him about your symptoms and how it is affecting you. If it is helping, he might tell you to stay on it, though. Always be prepared!

And yes, take a vacation and relax. I never do, but somebody should! I heard that most people with RA are type A's. I certainly qualify. Last winter, a year into a total med failure, I decided to study intermediate Biblical Greek. Like I needed more stress! Honestly, it perked me up in so many ways! But that is me.

I hope you can work a few things out. Maybe make a list, and prioritize what is bothering you most, plus some concrete and practical things you can do to relieve or change the problem. And keep coming back and posting, that is what we are here for.

tire's Enbrel, Humira, Remicade, Orencia, Simponi and others. Most are prescribed WITH MTX. ZELJANX is advertised as woking without MTX.

when is your next rheumatology appointment? bring your best friend.

the DOC will tell you about branching out on the dmard train (sulfasazaline, plaquenil yadda yadda) and the DOC might talk about the synergistic affect of adding biologic to dmard concurrently. pick a book up at the library and read through the different inflammatory agents that the different biologics target so you know some before your appointment. most DOCS usually start with an anti tumor necrosing factor drug like the twins enbrel and/or humira. be prepared to discuss with him/her

your spousal stuff sounds significant. my heart goes out to you. i grew up with a dad that had that disease untreated. do you see your own therapist?

depot

Katie! Thanks! Some days I know she is still in here (Goddess Warrior).

I have a good friend that tells me often "stand up for yourself" He needs to pick his battles because all of them are trivial but to him they're the end of the world. I am in the process of reading more and more "self help" books. They actually make you feel better! :)

Lynn....I would never be able to take a vacation alone. Husband would freak. He does not like to be alone. I'm sure it's due to his mental issues. He is amazing. He runs our business and sees people everyday in their home. They'd never have a clue anything was wrong. It's the man behind the mask I see everyday with the issues.

Oh and the shots....I took mine yesterday but today I feel great. I wonder if the "side effects" for the last month were more due to the deep depression I was going through? I was also very active and on very little sleep. Some may not understand this but if I go long periods without horse activity I go into a deep depression. My horses are my world. Just like some people feel about their dogs. I only been riding 13 years and it was always just my daughter and I. Husband started riding almost 3 years ago. The first 2 he rode a lot then we had a humid summer and I got RA. Summer was the time we would ride at least 3 times a week out our backyard and on weekends. I rode last Saturday, spent some of Sunday cleaning the turnout by hand and I am leading a ride Saturday and then the next we are involved with a pancake ride charity event. Plus It can get so busy in my office I often forget to eat, drink etc. Then stress and BAM.....last night I was very nauseous like I normally am today. Stress and lack of horse activity I am realizing play a big role in my physical and emotional health.

Husband is real good about meds. We even go to the psychiatrist together. Men are so, "I feel fine" so I go to tell the truth. He has tweaked his meds before. If business is too busy he gets stressed and takes it out on me. We would be 2 weeks booked out and now that he hired an employee we slowed down. We been swamped for four years straight and now I try to fill up the next day and if it's not he takes it out on me. We're a service company. How he treats me on any given morning is how my day will go. I use to go into the office with him after 5:30 am news at 6 am but now I started sleeping in until 6 instead of waking at 4:45 am. I need the sleep. I sit in the living room watching the news. Yeah, sometimes he rants and raves but I walk away and go to the restroom and hide. I'm not a door mat. The only way to resolve my feeling with him is therapy and the last time we went to therapy (over 20 years)I told him I wanted a divorce. I think he's afraid of that happening again but I don't want a divorce. I love him...I just don't like him sometimes. I'm sure he feels the same way. He shows all his love to our 3 little dogs (2 Chi's and a Maltese)so I ask him how come he can't show me love like that? I guess it's hard to when you're dealing with a bitter, resentful woman who is afraid to say boo. We were both watching TV couple of nights ago (the new Odd Couple) and one of the characters said, "Romance is just another word for showing women you give a crap about them" and we both laughed because it's true. lol

Marlene....no, he is not on any forum. He is too busy to be on any forum. Heck, I'm to busy but sometimes I have to. He's good about taking his medication. I nag him every night before we go to bed. If he misses just one night it shows and he has admitted that he can feel it. We went camping for 4 days and he forgot 2 of those nights. He was a nightmare to drive home with on that Sunday. But he knew it. And later when everything settles, he feels bad and knows how wrong he was to act or behave like he did. He has apologized several times because he knows he was wrong in doing something or saying something.

And as above I noted Marlene....I think I got why I feel the way I feel. Work is a huge stress. I'm doing the work of 3 women and he acts as if I sit here and eat bon bons and watch TV. There are days I can't catch up and am overwhelmed and throw myself into a panic attack. No breaks, lunch etc. He finally said go ahead and shut the phones down for 30 minutes for lunch. Now that we're slow he will not go for that now.

But honestly, I think talking to you all makes a big difference and raises my spirits.

Depotblue....next appointment is December because everything was going so well. I think the spousal stuff does play a big roll. It's important to feel loved even when you're broken. And when the dogs are shown more love physically than me.......sad. Makes me sad and feel unloved. Sex is not the only way to show love (for a woman). We need to feel it before the sex plays into it. :(

where is your point of power, your joy? I want to walk in your shoes - but I'm like kind of you know a feminist in deed. I am trying though, I am trying. let me think. is your life evolved outside of the immediate home where that family business is? what do you want for your daughter? (I am trying to think of what i want my for my daughter as I type this) think of what you want for her - that is what you should want for yourself, also, no? do you see a therapist?

can you move your rheumatology appointment, up?

depot

Melly, I can really relate to a lot of what you have shared in terms of the stress of living with someone who has a mental disorder. My husband and I are separated after 16 years, he is untreated and has delusions and paranoia. It did affect my health, because I couldn't do things I needed to manage my symptoms. I couldn't rest, because it wasn't safe to be "off guard." I couldn't leave the kids with him because it wasn't safe for him to take them at times, and I didn't always know when that time was. He loves the kids, but he has very bad judgement and the delusions/paranoia take over. I would also say that my health affected the final end of our marriage, because I got to a place where it really felt like I might not be able to push through, physically, and my kids need me to be as healthy as I can. Loving him wasn't enough of a reason to stay in that situation. I'm glad your husband is willing to be treated. There is also a forum for family of bipolar that you might find helpful. It is a very unique disorder, because it is not just about depression, it is about the mania (risky behavior, hallucinations, delusions, paranoia, grandiosity) as well.

Melly, I am not there, but from what you are saying in your posts, you are being abused. Abuse does not have to be physical. He is controlling, and bossy. You are so terrified of him yelling at you, that you hide from him.

I am doing a course on Domestic Violence right now, and you have all the symptoms. You need to go somewhere and and talk to a Violence Prevention group. I know what they will say.

This will never get better, because he has all the power, and he likes it the way he is. He needs to have a strong motive to change. I am not sayin you should divorce him. But you need to take a course on domestic violence, preferably a group one. Learn about the dynamics, and what you can do to be safe. Marriage counseling often does not work with abusers, either because the will not go, or if they do go, they just learn how to play the game even better, when others are not around.

Sorry to hear this is happening.

Melly,

May I suggest that you make time to see a good cognitive behavioral therapist? You need to learn how to be your own best advocate and to learn to set boundaries and deal with the issues in your relationship. More specifically, to stand up for yourself.

From what you write, it appears that there's a lot of walking on eggshells in your life and that's absolutely no way to live. I understand it's difficult to live with a bipolar person, but you need to take care of yourself. I'm sensing that you excuse a lot because of his bipolar condition......but possibly some of what's happening is not at all due to bipolar.

Not a group therapy session.....one on one.