Rheumatoid Arthritis Support Group
Rheumatoid arthritis is a chronic, inflammatory, multisystem, autoimmune disorder. It is a disabling and painful condition which can lead to substantial loss of mobility due to pain and joint destruction. The disease is also systemic in that it often also affects many extra-articular tissues throughout the body including the skin, blood vessels, heart, lungs, and...
My husband is out of work, has been for over 9 months. I'm lucky that we are ok financially, but his continued unemployment is putting a strain on us for sure.
I'm exhausted. I never feel rested and have a job that can be quite stressful. I'm up at 5:45 every morning and get home around 5.
The RA is a constant drain for me. It's affecting work, it's affecting me doing the things I used to love doing, like going to the gym, taking long walks, etc. those things that relax and ground us, and make us feel like we did something good for ourselves.
Last night I get home and he informs me that my energy level, this disease and my choice to do my MTX injections on Fridays is affecting our relationship and sex life. He wants me to do them Sunday nights so that I'm not tired or don't feel off on the weekends, and he'd rather me feel nasty at work on Mondays. He's of course sitting around on his butt all week doing nothing so has energy to burn.
I'm in absolute shock about what an insensitive jerk he's being and I just don't even know what to do. Even without the MTX coma on Friday nights, I'd still be too exhausted from the work week to do anything fun.
At times he's been so understanding, but apparently that's over, or was just an act.
So much of the frustration about this disease is caused by others who just don't friggin get it.
I'm just frustrated and needed to vent and this place sometimes feels like the only safe outlet for that.
I'm exhausted. I never feel rested and have a job that can be quite stressful. I'm up at 5:45 every morning and get home around 5.
The RA is a constant drain for me. It's affecting work, it's affecting me doing the things I used to love doing, like going to the gym, taking long walks, etc. those things that relax and ground us, and make us feel like we did something good for ourselves.
Last night I get home and he informs me that my energy level, this disease and my choice to do my MTX injections on Fridays is affecting our relationship and sex life. He wants me to do them Sunday nights so that I'm not tired or don't feel off on the weekends, and he'd rather me feel nasty at work on Mondays. He's of course sitting around on his butt all week doing nothing so has energy to burn.
I'm in absolute shock about what an insensitive jerk he's being and I just don't even know what to do. Even without the MTX coma on Friday nights, I'd still be too exhausted from the work week to do anything fun.
At times he's been so understanding, but apparently that's over, or was just an act.
So much of the frustration about this disease is caused by others who just don't friggin get it.
I'm just frustrated and needed to vent and this place sometimes feels like the only safe outlet for that.
Ros.... As he's home he does make dinner every night so that is one task off my plate. He isn't a great cook but he tries, and when I need relief from his cooking I try it get that crock pot set up with something yummy! And your idea to send him to you when he's ill.... OMG how I would love to do that. I've told him more than once I wish it was possible to inject him with MTX just once so he could fully experience the joy of it all.
RASally... He hasn't come to any of my appointments although he did offer once. May have to consider that in the future.
BD2... He is actively looking for work and I know there is a frustration and depression going on about not being hired anywhere yet. I've personally seen him break down in tears after hearing from somewhere that he didn't get the job. It's been such a hard long road.
Ros... We do have a cleaning lady that comes in once a month to give the floors and bathrooms a big clean, but all of the daily maintenance of keeping the house clean is up to me. Although he will do little things that I ask, like wash the sheets or pick stuff up at the store, he will not sweep the floors or give the kitchen anything more than a quick wipe. It's frustrating. And Ros I work in a big retailers head office as a senior manager of one of our major systems and there are a lot of stresses that come with that. My commute isn't horrible, about 35 minutes each way.
Alto... I don't do much on weeknights! I hit the gym once a week, and other than that I help clean up after dinner, but I'm pretty much pooped on weeknights so tv is the highlight. Hopefully when he nice weather arrives we can start taking some short walks.
RASally... That video is so great. Wonder if we can rent that suit for our loved ones to try? And what a great rheumy he must be.
Again, I've so appreciated all of your support. It helps so much to know that others understand!
When my husband gets in a bad rut I find talking about my feelings usually overwhelms him. When I use quick "I feel..------ when you say ----." it works best. And often I write down my feelings in a letter. Again, only using "I feel" statements.
What if you called in sick one day this week. Over breakfast tell him you want things to work better for both of you. Do the "I feel" crap and have him say some too. Tell him the whole point of this conversation is to ensure a better sex life. Say something you like about your sex life with him (this will make him feel manly duri g his job hunting/u manly feeling time). Then have sex! That connection is so powerful.
Please know you are not alone. I can totally relate. I admire your bravery in posting. You will get through this. Can you tell I see a therapist?! (" I feel.. "). My gut tells me he feels out of control right now while jobless so he is trying to control whatever he thinks he can.
I am concerned that some of the posts have a message of all that YOU can do to accept and modify.
We all have our opinions but ultimately want the best for you
Yes he is going through his challenges but that doesn't excuse all behavior and its okay for you to have expectations. Change is not easy but doing the same thing ensures nothing will change.
Wishing you a better week.
As a living example, when MBDs2 and I reunited, I asked her for a list of responsibilities for me around the house - sort of a "what can I do to pitch in and help" list. That was my list and both our expectations were that I would do these and she would do hers and when we got finished - away we went to where ever we wanted to go and do.
After I came down with this "stuff", we took another look at the list over breakfast and modified it to those things that I could do and not hurt. Some fell off and I saw a shift toward her - more than a 50-50 split so I asked for some of hers. And away we went.
Point being, I recognized that I needed to help out and I do, to lighten her load.
To Beechfeet's point, there is something you can do and that is to communicate - to talk and negotiate. Partners do that. Once he perhaps see the light, I bet he will pitch in - shoot, he may get better at cookin' (wink, wink)
Ya gotta keep trying because this "stuff" we have will not quit - we have to be able to observe, modify and HOLD HANDS.
Sorry to prolong this, but I still feel that I have overstepped my bounds while trying to help.
Peace
Bluedogs2
it's easy for us to pontificate because we are not walking in your exact shoes, but trust us we mean well.
sleep
sex
chocolate
wine
in no particular order
oh wait a minute, the sleep comes first
hugs and hope it is a better week
Ros
Sorry you have to deal with this. I feel the hardest part of this disease is when a loved one doubts the seriousness of your condition. My blood boils when I read about this happening to someone with our condition because I understand how painful that can be.
I really can not add much more than what all of the other wise folks have already contributed. One thing I could add from a male
perspective is that men equate sex with love. If your not having sex he may think your not attracted to him.This could also add to feelings of inadequacy that he already feels from being unemployed. (Which he needs to remedy ASAP)
Others have stated that men are problem solvers and need to fix things when they are broken. To him this is a big problem he wants to fix. Unfortunately he presented it in a very insensitive way.
I think this could be fixed with an honest conversation and a romantic evening together. It may actually improve your relationship once you get things worked out.
Best wishes to you from the 16th therapist
I honestly appreciate everyone's opinion and perspective - wouldn't have posted otherwise.
Thanks again for sharing, and caring!
Keep us posted if you feel you want to.
Then thinking he's home, the days can be long & times can drag.
Then no job? May be playing on his self esteem.
With that said your carrying a mighty load.
Understanding goes a long way.
I can say my husband is not in a "understanding" mood at the time & it's frustrating & hurtful.
I'm so busy I can barely find time for this yet it's a whatever attitude.
Sometimes we get so caught up in our own lives & minds we forget to take a few steps in the others shoes.
Regardless your life can easily take a turn for the worst. Your at risk with this disease so you have to put you first.
After all what if you lost your job? Wouldn't be a good thing.
Take care of you & hopefully he'll find a way of understanding.
I truly hope it gets better.
Sammy