what i hope for the new ear is some balance. to really take seriously what is serious, and to be able to get everything else go. to stop blaming myself for things that i cannot control, and learn how to handle it when it fails. :-/

Financially: It will be a year of growth and structure. I took all of December and this month to get my financial plans in order. I changed to a bank that respects me as a person, not just a body and a check. I set up accounts and goals for financial savings for various things (business, needs, and pleasure too!) I took the time to become much more organized and streamlined with everything finances. This is allowing me to grow in it.

Emotionally: It will be a year of balance and truth. Balance by continuing to maintain perseverance with space to grieve. Truth by understanding that I only need to be truthful with myself (about things pertaining to the past and secrets) and that the acceptance, understanding, and agreement of others in that truth is void.

Relationships: It will be a year of realistic logic and health. By continuing to discontinue friendships that represent instability, unrealism, illogical conclusions, and toxic encounters, I will be maintaining the realistic logic that I try to live my life by. Cultivating and maintaining healthy relationships in my professional, personal, and intimate life will allow me to maintain my emotional health better.

Recovery: It will be a year of removal. I do not feel comfortable explaining this on the board.

I'm not sure what you meant by "removal", but the words resonated with me...a year of removal. There are things in my life that have hindered my recovery, and this is the year for me to remove those things.

At the last retreat, Bill Miller said two things to me that have stuck with me. One was that I needed to stop beating myself up. The other one had to do with allowing myself to be soft and vulnerable instead of trying to be strong all the time. "It's time to stop fighting," he said.

Good grief, I thought. I'm not hard enough on myself. If anything, I should beat myself up MORE? And me...strong? I'm so wimpy and weak! At the same time, I knew what Bill really meant; I just didn't know what to do with his words.

This morning, my husband said something about how strong I was. Before I could contradict him, he went on to talk about how I've been so much more vulnerable with him lately. He talked about my recovery and healing process and how he is sure that the end result will be that the soft tender person I was as a little girl will no longer have to be hidden away. "You don't realize," he said, "that your vulnerability, your tenderness, is your strength."

Then I came here and read Leitha's eloquent words about tears.

There is an obvious common thread there, a message I need to hear. I think this is the year for that part of my healing...for removing the protective walls I've erected to protect me and my secrets...for learning how to grieve in a healthy way...for letting go of the many ways I've been fighting against myself...for discovering the strength in softness and tenderness...

2012 will be a year of tearing down and removing, but also a year of building up.

Oh Steh, I love the idea of tearing down and removing and building up (new)! I think that is great!

There's something about this list that makes us all feel cohesive as a tribe. We're often all off in different places dealing with different things, it can be difficult to realise we're actually not that far apart on the journey.

Maybe it is just how the tribe is right now. We all seen to have similar goals for 2012, if we can navigate the apocalypse ;) plus, we all seem to be able to voice what and where we want to be this time next year :)

I guess it just surprised me how when a group works well the whole group seems to move as a collective/community. I'll stop rambling now

What will be different.....

Well, we will no longer be in the court process (finished already actually) with the horrid anxiety that surrounds each visit to the court. We will no longer have that process hanging over the heads of the members of our family. This alone will help tremendously.

I will no longer think of my home as a crime scene. This is a process of changing both thought and some things about the actual items/look of the home. More a change in the thought process, but the physical change helps me to see that coming about.

I will no longer consider myself a victim. The word victim does not apply to me in any fashion. I have been harmed, but I am a Survivor. A strong accomplished one at that and I intend to revel in that knowledge. Not just for this year....but for the years to come. Not that there will not be bad days, but I will survive them.

I WILL attend the retreat. For several years there have been things that have come up that have not permitted me to do so financially and the first year....well, I chickened out before I could even get started. I thank Matt and Tonya for meeting with me when they came to town. It helped me so much to feel comfortable with them and the Mission.

I am feeling quite hopeful today, so there is much to add I am sure, but this is where I starting out at today. Things will be different this year, because in many ways....I am different. : )