Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Okay, a few of my close friends here know this is on my mind, but I want to be open with ALL of you about what Tonya and I are anticipating about the retreat.
This will be Year Five. We hope that it's exceptional. I think that the addition of the horseback riding, the emphasis on more social time rather than a discussion gathering, and the stricter contractual regulations on safe behaviors will all add up in positive ways.
Now, there's nothing definite about this, don't read this and start freaking out on me, but in the back of my mind I want to see if the retreat achieves a renewed feeling of healing and excitement, or if its life cycle is limited. Will it go for ten years? Or is five years enough for it to do what it's supposed to do?
The only reasons we would even think that it may eventually run its cource are these:
It becomes more expensive to run. Not a penny of the money goes into our pockets for doing this (and it wouldn't be improper if it did; there'd be nothing wrong with being paid for the time and effort it takes to do). But I still feel terribly guilty any time I have to raise the cost. And I've only raised it $25 in five years for four days. We're still one-third of the cost of the next-cheapest Survivor's retreat, but costs go up and we can't help it. The catch-22 is that as costs go up, fewer people can afford to come; if fewer people are paying to come, costs go up! Am I going to lose people who want to come because of it?
It's physically exhausting. I mean, like you wouldn't believe. After the retreat, we collapse. We fight off exhaustion headaches and chills from the sheer effort of working day and night to pull this off. Tonya is disabled and can't handle the stress of driving carpools over and over, plus helping set up, plus everything else she does. Last year, she drove more than 300 miles in one day, until 1 AM, and was so tired she couldn't join in like she wanted. I feel happy but worn out for a week each time.
It's emotionally exhausting. Even though we try to assure everyone that this is not "Matt's group" and that I'm not in control over anyone else and that the retreat is what you make of it, the fact is that there is still a tendency to hope I can manage all the many conflicts, concerns, disagreements, and disappointments that always arise. I can't. I can't manage friendships, I can't make people act a certain way toward each other, and I can't make people have or not have certain feelings. But just trying to keep the weekend emotionally safe for all of us is a tremendous responsibility. I take it seriously, but please understand that it requires more than what I possess and there will always be rough spots every year. Running a sweatlodge ceremony is also a very powerful experience that requires a long process of personal preparation.
We're out of options with our sons. It's great that they've been accepted and loved, and they've done a fantastic job of leaving us alone and not intruding. But they're getting older, and we're running out of ideas about what to do with them each year.
And last but not least, there is the very POSITIVE realization that it simply may achieve its purpose, and people who felt one way when they first attended may find that they've grown and changed. While they may love the retreat for what it stands for, it might not be a "medicine" that they need to keep taking. As we heal, we don't need to keep up the same regimens, and that's good.
So what do you all think?
Let me just say, I'm NOT burned out. My heart is still very much in this. These retreats are probably the thing I've accomplished for which I feel the MOST pride, and I have better spiritual experiences there than I do at any other place through the year. I absolutely love them. I know you all do too. It doesn't stop me from being worried about the cost and the exhausting effort they are, and I guess I need to know from you all whether YOU get the sense that they're something you'll need for years to come.
What do you need from these retreats that I can still offer you?
This will be Year Five. We hope that it's exceptional. I think that the addition of the horseback riding, the emphasis on more social time rather than a discussion gathering, and the stricter contractual regulations on safe behaviors will all add up in positive ways.
Now, there's nothing definite about this, don't read this and start freaking out on me, but in the back of my mind I want to see if the retreat achieves a renewed feeling of healing and excitement, or if its life cycle is limited. Will it go for ten years? Or is five years enough for it to do what it's supposed to do?
The only reasons we would even think that it may eventually run its cource are these:
It becomes more expensive to run. Not a penny of the money goes into our pockets for doing this (and it wouldn't be improper if it did; there'd be nothing wrong with being paid for the time and effort it takes to do). But I still feel terribly guilty any time I have to raise the cost. And I've only raised it $25 in five years for four days. We're still one-third of the cost of the next-cheapest Survivor's retreat, but costs go up and we can't help it. The catch-22 is that as costs go up, fewer people can afford to come; if fewer people are paying to come, costs go up! Am I going to lose people who want to come because of it?
It's physically exhausting. I mean, like you wouldn't believe. After the retreat, we collapse. We fight off exhaustion headaches and chills from the sheer effort of working day and night to pull this off. Tonya is disabled and can't handle the stress of driving carpools over and over, plus helping set up, plus everything else she does. Last year, she drove more than 300 miles in one day, until 1 AM, and was so tired she couldn't join in like she wanted. I feel happy but worn out for a week each time.
It's emotionally exhausting. Even though we try to assure everyone that this is not "Matt's group" and that I'm not in control over anyone else and that the retreat is what you make of it, the fact is that there is still a tendency to hope I can manage all the many conflicts, concerns, disagreements, and disappointments that always arise. I can't. I can't manage friendships, I can't make people act a certain way toward each other, and I can't make people have or not have certain feelings. But just trying to keep the weekend emotionally safe for all of us is a tremendous responsibility. I take it seriously, but please understand that it requires more than what I possess and there will always be rough spots every year. Running a sweatlodge ceremony is also a very powerful experience that requires a long process of personal preparation.
We're out of options with our sons. It's great that they've been accepted and loved, and they've done a fantastic job of leaving us alone and not intruding. But they're getting older, and we're running out of ideas about what to do with them each year.
And last but not least, there is the very POSITIVE realization that it simply may achieve its purpose, and people who felt one way when they first attended may find that they've grown and changed. While they may love the retreat for what it stands for, it might not be a "medicine" that they need to keep taking. As we heal, we don't need to keep up the same regimens, and that's good.
So what do you all think?
Let me just say, I'm NOT burned out. My heart is still very much in this. These retreats are probably the thing I've accomplished for which I feel the MOST pride, and I have better spiritual experiences there than I do at any other place through the year. I absolutely love them. I know you all do too. It doesn't stop me from being worried about the cost and the exhausting effort they are, and I guess I need to know from you all whether YOU get the sense that they're something you'll need for years to come.
What do you need from these retreats that I can still offer you?
They boys. I'm assuming they have quite a few friends. What about getting together with the other parents and each of you host a big slumber party that may take a few days. Two families can get together, pick one of their homes and pool resources for a weekend, allowing other parents more than a one evening getaway. If they're Boy Scouts, the troop can do that maybe 2-3 times a year, outside of camping. It can be a single overnight, or for an entire weekend. There are a lot of things they can work on without being out in the woods. They can organize a community service in the neighborhood of the person hosting the activity, to include things that could be done in the woods, such as navigating with a map instead of GPS. Things like figuring out how to find a house based on address, using cross streets, especially numbered ones. If there's a fire place, they can practice fire building and different methods of cooking on a fire (you can make an oven out of a cardboard box and aluminum foil that works great for making a cake). They can make fire starters out of lint, egg cartons, wax or parchment paper and yarn, then keep them in a waterproof bag with their camping gear. Learning how to survive in the event of being lost, by brainstorming what supplies to take while hiking and how to signal for help in different ways. The list can be endless, just like a weekend camp out, but without the fuss over the campsite and all of the equipment that needs to be taken. (Yes, I was a Girl Scout and a Girl Scout leader, and my brother was an Eagle Scout).
Other than that, I think people would be willing to put in time and money, when possible, if you decided to start an LLC, but I do think that might be a little too much for you to deal with along with everything else you're doing to support your family. There may be other ways to lower costs and time spent doing things. Possibly some of the people who drive to the retreat could help with picking people up at the airport or where ever. Other things like helping out with non-perishable items throughout the year, stockpiling what you need in advance instead of all at once. The early birds could help with other set-up tasks possibly. There are things we can do to help, you just need to ask us, let us know what you need and how we can help, and then let us.
Lord help me if I ever had to do a retreat for perfectionists! Fortunately, this group has been really cool and able to deal, rather than being a "serve me! meet my needs! get it right!"-type community.
I don't mind confessing that I've had to learn along the way, and usually my learning comes from blunders I've made.
The other tricky part is figuring out how to balance the "healing" aspects with the "social" aspects, since BOTH are important. You don't want to do too much or too little of either, but trying to offer both without one overwhelming the qualities of the other isn't easy to do, especially as the group changes every year.
That left River to come with us, which worked out because he's more mature and he actually relates very well to the experience without being intrusive (I even had a talk with him about not intruding since this was OUR adults' retreat, and they didn't pay to come and have to put up with a little boy in the way. Well, shut my mouth--the women about revolted against me for doing that, and insisted on adoring him as their mascot! He's even going to travel alone to England to spend a week with one of these fine women!)
River, of course, grew up going to sweats and even helping the men run the ceremony. He asked if he could help with ours, but I told him no because this was a special event where the women needed seclusion, and he understood perfectly. He also wrote one of the letters in the hardcover "LTS" book, and he really gets it. In fact, a social work student did her master's thesis on parents involved in sexual assault work and how we relate our work to our children, and me and River were two of the subjects she studied just because he's so mature in his understanding of this work.
I'd like to find some weekend-long activity for them both. Who knows? I suspect that if I just turned on our Mac and loaded up a video game, they might not even notice we were gone all weekend.
I can't imagine how emotionally exhausting it is to do this, and it sounds like you clearly need help.
I don't see why attendance would decline as it goes on... I don't know another way to say--won't there always be new survivors?
I think it's reasonable to expect that the cost would increase over time. I see why you'd want to keep it affordable, but you probably also want to keep it reasonably sized too.
I agree with others that mentioned that this is something that if you really want to go, most will find a way. Before I looked at the application I thought it was going to be like $3000 and I'd have to turn in a bunch of medical paperwork before being considered to go. [...uh...I read a lot into the word "application"...]
I personally struggle with the idea of the loose social aspect of the retreat. While I long to meet another person that might understand me, I'm also wary of the idea of having to fend for myself in a room full of people with nothing else to do.
I wanted to make a few comments.
Maybe it's just me, but when I hear the words "play" and "social skills", it brings to mind some sort of remedial program for adults who somehow missed out on learning those things when they should have. And while I have been known to complain tearfully in therapy, "When everyone else was learning this stuff in junior high, I was being all messed up", and while some people in my life might insist I'm desperately in need of better social skills, I wouldn't go to a retreat that I thought was about that. (I almost wrote that I wouldn't "go to Oklahoma", but I didn't want the Oklahomians here to think I was insinuating there was a lack of social skills in their fine state!)
To me, that's not what the retreat is about. To be sure, there was "play", but it was mostly spontaneous and never forced. I get really annoyed at what I think of as "coercive play", where everyone is forced to engage in some stupid game designed for some lesson or purpose. I become a complete and total rebellious stick in the mud. There was none of that at the retreat. Even the "icebreaker" we did last year didn't bring out the bratty "I don't wanna play your stupid game!" attitude in me. I realize I'm probably a bit extreme about this, but my point is that I don't want anyone to get an inaccurate picture of the retreat.
It's true that we socialize. But that's different than "social skills" in my mind. In fact, my first retreat was the first time in my entire life when I felt that I didn't have to "pass as normal". I could admit my terror of the walk-in fridge and everyone else found that completely unremarkable. I could sit huddled in a chair like a scared little girl, and no one gave me a "what's her problem?" sort of look. The level of acceptance I found was so amazing and so healing in itself. (The next year, I OWNED that walk-in fridge. And the year after that, I did the sweatlodge without bolting in panic at the beginning of the first round.)
As far as worrying about being with a bunch of strangers with nothing to do...it's not like that either. For one thing, we have always had some sort of artsy-craftsy project, with everything set up on a big table where you can spend as much or as little time as you want. Now I don't have an artsy-craftsy bone in my body, so I was relieved that none of these projects have required skills I don't possess. No one is "forced" to participate. I've found each project personally meaningful and healing. I've enjoyed hanging out at the table and watching others' creativity. It's a nifty way to get to know each other. Plus, there were always glitter pens.
If you smoke, or don't mind hanging around tobacco fumes, there is a smoking circle outdoors and it seems like there are almost always people there. Some of us are "retreat smokers" and don't smoke otherwise. (OK, I'll admit to a few mini-cigars now and then the rest of the year, but it's all Bill Miller's fault! Him and that amazingly seductive vanilla-flavored tobacco deliciousness he shared with several of us one year. I did not know such things existed.) Anyway, that's a great place to hang out and get to know people.
Plus, there always seems to be someone doing something interesting. OrElse brought her little spinning wheel one year, for example. There are different games available. It's not like we are sitting around twiddling our thumbs, bored stiff, desperate to figure out a non-scary way to interact with each other.
The thing I like is that the retreat is a comfortable place to get to know people whether you are an extreme extrovert, an extreme introvert, anywhere in between, or just kinda weird and socially awkward like me.
Whew...I've been trying to write this for over an hour, and I keep getting interrupted. If it's all terribly disjointed, I'm sorry!
He's very sensitive about giving us our space. At the same time, he's become an important part of the retreat for me. It's hard to put into words. But River's presence there, the sort of boy he is and the man he is becoming, reminds me that we have much reason to hope, much reason to laugh and celebrate, that what is good in the world is still good and beautiful and right -- the ugliness hasn't destroyed or diminished any of that.
Steht - so good to see you again, have missed you being on line, but you made me laugh about owning the walk in fridge.
The first year I went, I was the Brit who the others had to make a detour for. I think that was one of the most moving parts of the retreat for me. Like Finaly, i had never shared my truth outside of my husband, fish and a couple of close friends. I never talked about my rape and had never knowingly interacted with other survivors. Then, here I was having flown across the Atlantic to meet people I had only had minimal interaction with on the internet and some very tall guy who wrote a book! (please no one ever tell my daughters that this is an ok thing to do!) But, having a life in that car with four other lovely, amazing, but so very different to me was incredibly moving. Incredibly. If nothing else had happened, that in and of itself would have been life changing for me, but there was so much more.
I am naturally quite introvert, but in Stillwater I felt I could be fully present, people knew the thing about me that I hated most and yet accepted me for who I was. It was wonderfully freeing and in some ways scary too - I could not hide behind my profession, my husband, my children. I just was who I was. But I was accepted for that. I think if we had not had so much just hanging out in the sunshine time, I would not have discovered that. So, I am very grateful for the wisdom Matt put in to making the free time what it was. I do remember feeling excruciatingly shy to start with, but then River and I had a conversation about Harry Potter and Dr Who and I felt good after that!
Umm Matt, I think we have gone off at a tangent! (no surprise there then) I am sure some of us would love to come back and help run things (me for one), to try and take some of the burden of practicalities from you - just don't make me drive on the wrong side of the road, once was enough! But, I am sure it would be possible for several people to join in and help and would consider it an honour and a privilege to do so.
You could even send both boys over next year and I could entertain them while you do the retreat! Now that would be fun (although I couldn't promise them midnight walmart trips!)
Wonderful women here.
xx
SuzA
my daughter used to go to a summer camp that offered 3 different rates and people were encouraged to pay the rate that they felt the most comfortable paying.
I know that I would be willing to pay a higher rate because I can afford it - and I bet some of the other women would be too...
On a disappointed note, I won't be able to attend this year, I'll be on a contract out of state and my sister's graduation is the weekend before... there's just no way I can get back to Oklahoma two weekends in a row.
Know that I will be thinking of you all out there and wishing I was with you :-)
Maybe I could come up with a list of things we need volunteers to do, and for each thing a person offers to cover they can save that cost on the registration fee?
But then again, I *am* from Minnesota, so I'm compulsively helpful.
I'd consider you to give yourself the option to put reasonable limits on how much one person can volunteer to offset cost, as a) it still costs something for each person, and b) early birds hogging all the volunteer spots can edge out others who might be willing to do so as well.
However, IMO the sliding scale concept is a great idea and could, effectively, accomplish the same goal as the volunteer registration fee offset with less financial impact. For example, if the lowest cost were kept at the current fee level with two other levels above that, the financial outcome would be positive. I've never been to the retreat, but from what I've heard the registration fee is already dirt cheap, so that would seem fair. Those who can afford to pay more, will; and for those who can't, cost would stay the same.
Just my humble and respectful two cents, FWIW.
I guess, for me, going for the first time and wanting to have been able to go before, I am glad that it has been run several times as it has meant I have the chance to go myself.
Perhaps limiting the retreat to once rather than the ?twice a year it seems to have started to become might help? At least the work is all over and done with then?
For me, to meet people I have got to know here is really important to me. To be able to share and be myself, all of myself, with other people who have been through the same, will be really empowering. I have met survivors individually before but never been to any gathering or group meeting at all so it is a massive thing for me. Part of my healing is being able to have the confidence to cross the pond myself (ie the Atlantic not a fishing trip!!!).
My guess is that each time it has been run it has given someone new to it, like myself, the opportunity to join in and be healed that bit more. Friendships will be forged and deepened.
I also think there is great value from the 'elders' of the tribe here (ie those who have been around for a while and have travelled on the healing journey for some time) a great chance to help those coming after them too. A lot of healing for us I think comes when we can reach out to others....