Okay, a few of my close friends here know this is on my mind, but I want to be open with ALL of you about what Tonya and I are anticipating about the retreat.

This will be Year Five. We hope that it's exceptional. I think that the addition of the horseback riding, the emphasis on more social time rather than a discussion gathering, and the stricter contractual regulations on safe behaviors will all add up in positive ways.

Now, there's nothing definite about this, don't read this and start freaking out on me, but in the back of my mind I want to see if the retreat achieves a renewed feeling of healing and excitement, or if its life cycle is limited. Will it go for ten years? Or is five years enough for it to do what it's supposed to do?

The only reasons we would even think that it may eventually run its cource are these:

It becomes more expensive to run. Not a penny of the money goes into our pockets for doing this (and it wouldn't be improper if it did; there'd be nothing wrong with being paid for the time and effort it takes to do). But I still feel terribly guilty any time I have to raise the cost. And I've only raised it $25 in five years for four days. We're still one-third of the cost of the next-cheapest Survivor's retreat, but costs go up and we can't help it. The catch-22 is that as costs go up, fewer people can afford to come; if fewer people are paying to come, costs go up! Am I going to lose people who want to come because of it?

It's physically exhausting. I mean, like you wouldn't believe. After the retreat, we collapse. We fight off exhaustion headaches and chills from the sheer effort of working day and night to pull this off. Tonya is disabled and can't handle the stress of driving carpools over and over, plus helping set up, plus everything else she does. Last year, she drove more than 300 miles in one day, until 1 AM, and was so tired she couldn't join in like she wanted. I feel happy but worn out for a week each time.

It's emotionally exhausting. Even though we try to assure everyone that this is not "Matt's group" and that I'm not in control over anyone else and that the retreat is what you make of it, the fact is that there is still a tendency to hope I can manage all the many conflicts, concerns, disagreements, and disappointments that always arise. I can't. I can't manage friendships, I can't make people act a certain way toward each other, and I can't make people have or not have certain feelings. But just trying to keep the weekend emotionally safe for all of us is a tremendous responsibility. I take it seriously, but please understand that it requires more than what I possess and there will always be rough spots every year. Running a sweatlodge ceremony is also a very powerful experience that requires a long process of personal preparation.

We're out of options with our sons. It's great that they've been accepted and loved, and they've done a fantastic job of leaving us alone and not intruding. But they're getting older, and we're running out of ideas about what to do with them each year.

And last but not least, there is the very POSITIVE realization that it simply may achieve its purpose, and people who felt one way when they first attended may find that they've grown and changed. While they may love the retreat for what it stands for, it might not be a "medicine" that they need to keep taking. As we heal, we don't need to keep up the same regimens, and that's good.

So what do you all think?

Let me just say, I'm NOT burned out. My heart is still very much in this. These retreats are probably the thing I've accomplished for which I feel the MOST pride, and I have better spiritual experiences there than I do at any other place through the year. I absolutely love them. I know you all do too. It doesn't stop me from being worried about the cost and the exhausting effort they are, and I guess I need to know from you all whether YOU get the sense that they're something you'll need for years to come.

What do you need from these retreats that I can still offer you?