Resurrection After Rape Community Group
Discussion, question-and-answer, general social support, and journal processing for progress-oriented rape survivors. No crisis, no damaging or triggering conflicts--this is for individuals who want to contribute to collective, cooperative action toward the goal of making actual PROGRESS through rape trauma. Much of this work is based on the book "Resurrection After...
Okay, a few of my close friends here know this is on my mind, but I want to be open with ALL of you about what Tonya and I are anticipating about the retreat.
This will be Year Five. We hope that it's exceptional. I think that the addition of the horseback riding, the emphasis on more social time rather than a discussion gathering, and the stricter contractual regulations on safe behaviors will all add up in positive ways.
Now, there's nothing definite about this, don't read this and start freaking out on me, but in the back of my mind I want to see if the retreat achieves a renewed feeling of healing and excitement, or if its life cycle is limited. Will it go for ten years? Or is five years enough for it to do what it's supposed to do?
The only reasons we would even think that it may eventually run its cource are these:
It becomes more expensive to run. Not a penny of the money goes into our pockets for doing this (and it wouldn't be improper if it did; there'd be nothing wrong with being paid for the time and effort it takes to do). But I still feel terribly guilty any time I have to raise the cost. And I've only raised it $25 in five years for four days. We're still one-third of the cost of the next-cheapest Survivor's retreat, but costs go up and we can't help it. The catch-22 is that as costs go up, fewer people can afford to come; if fewer people are paying to come, costs go up! Am I going to lose people who want to come because of it?
It's physically exhausting. I mean, like you wouldn't believe. After the retreat, we collapse. We fight off exhaustion headaches and chills from the sheer effort of working day and night to pull this off. Tonya is disabled and can't handle the stress of driving carpools over and over, plus helping set up, plus everything else she does. Last year, she drove more than 300 miles in one day, until 1 AM, and was so tired she couldn't join in like she wanted. I feel happy but worn out for a week each time.
It's emotionally exhausting. Even though we try to assure everyone that this is not "Matt's group" and that I'm not in control over anyone else and that the retreat is what you make of it, the fact is that there is still a tendency to hope I can manage all the many conflicts, concerns, disagreements, and disappointments that always arise. I can't. I can't manage friendships, I can't make people act a certain way toward each other, and I can't make people have or not have certain feelings. But just trying to keep the weekend emotionally safe for all of us is a tremendous responsibility. I take it seriously, but please understand that it requires more than what I possess and there will always be rough spots every year. Running a sweatlodge ceremony is also a very powerful experience that requires a long process of personal preparation.
We're out of options with our sons. It's great that they've been accepted and loved, and they've done a fantastic job of leaving us alone and not intruding. But they're getting older, and we're running out of ideas about what to do with them each year.
And last but not least, there is the very POSITIVE realization that it simply may achieve its purpose, and people who felt one way when they first attended may find that they've grown and changed. While they may love the retreat for what it stands for, it might not be a "medicine" that they need to keep taking. As we heal, we don't need to keep up the same regimens, and that's good.
So what do you all think?
Let me just say, I'm NOT burned out. My heart is still very much in this. These retreats are probably the thing I've accomplished for which I feel the MOST pride, and I have better spiritual experiences there than I do at any other place through the year. I absolutely love them. I know you all do too. It doesn't stop me from being worried about the cost and the exhausting effort they are, and I guess I need to know from you all whether YOU get the sense that they're something you'll need for years to come.
What do you need from these retreats that I can still offer you?
This will be Year Five. We hope that it's exceptional. I think that the addition of the horseback riding, the emphasis on more social time rather than a discussion gathering, and the stricter contractual regulations on safe behaviors will all add up in positive ways.
Now, there's nothing definite about this, don't read this and start freaking out on me, but in the back of my mind I want to see if the retreat achieves a renewed feeling of healing and excitement, or if its life cycle is limited. Will it go for ten years? Or is five years enough for it to do what it's supposed to do?
The only reasons we would even think that it may eventually run its cource are these:
It becomes more expensive to run. Not a penny of the money goes into our pockets for doing this (and it wouldn't be improper if it did; there'd be nothing wrong with being paid for the time and effort it takes to do). But I still feel terribly guilty any time I have to raise the cost. And I've only raised it $25 in five years for four days. We're still one-third of the cost of the next-cheapest Survivor's retreat, but costs go up and we can't help it. The catch-22 is that as costs go up, fewer people can afford to come; if fewer people are paying to come, costs go up! Am I going to lose people who want to come because of it?
It's physically exhausting. I mean, like you wouldn't believe. After the retreat, we collapse. We fight off exhaustion headaches and chills from the sheer effort of working day and night to pull this off. Tonya is disabled and can't handle the stress of driving carpools over and over, plus helping set up, plus everything else she does. Last year, she drove more than 300 miles in one day, until 1 AM, and was so tired she couldn't join in like she wanted. I feel happy but worn out for a week each time.
It's emotionally exhausting. Even though we try to assure everyone that this is not "Matt's group" and that I'm not in control over anyone else and that the retreat is what you make of it, the fact is that there is still a tendency to hope I can manage all the many conflicts, concerns, disagreements, and disappointments that always arise. I can't. I can't manage friendships, I can't make people act a certain way toward each other, and I can't make people have or not have certain feelings. But just trying to keep the weekend emotionally safe for all of us is a tremendous responsibility. I take it seriously, but please understand that it requires more than what I possess and there will always be rough spots every year. Running a sweatlodge ceremony is also a very powerful experience that requires a long process of personal preparation.
We're out of options with our sons. It's great that they've been accepted and loved, and they've done a fantastic job of leaving us alone and not intruding. But they're getting older, and we're running out of ideas about what to do with them each year.
And last but not least, there is the very POSITIVE realization that it simply may achieve its purpose, and people who felt one way when they first attended may find that they've grown and changed. While they may love the retreat for what it stands for, it might not be a "medicine" that they need to keep taking. As we heal, we don't need to keep up the same regimens, and that's good.
So what do you all think?
Let me just say, I'm NOT burned out. My heart is still very much in this. These retreats are probably the thing I've accomplished for which I feel the MOST pride, and I have better spiritual experiences there than I do at any other place through the year. I absolutely love them. I know you all do too. It doesn't stop me from being worried about the cost and the exhausting effort they are, and I guess I need to know from you all whether YOU get the sense that they're something you'll need for years to come.
What do you need from these retreats that I can still offer you?
:)
Okay. So, I'm glad you brought this up because I think it's something we've probably all thought about. For me, I guess I'd be thinking about what the basic needs are. The things I get; the sense of community and love. The sense of being "got" without having to say words. Those things are more important to me than anything else.
I love the sweats but if we wanted to trial not having them one year it wouldn't stop me coming. We could still burn things. I actually don't remember your speeches to the group but they hit where they need to. You often talk about healing; what it means and looks like but mostly being told we are worthy and deserving...huge thing.
Plus, I'd be willing as my personal needs changed to come to the retreat in a different capacity to help lighten the load. I'm probably not the only one who would be happy to. So much of what you guys do is unseen (or made to look seamless) its hard to really grasp the full extent of what you do to run things.
Those games we did at high ropes course...can easily buy some hula hoops and blindfolds. Corporate team building is huge here; sure could steal some elements of that and make our own version that doesn't upset insurance or church policy.
Have you thought about making it like a charity event? Something we could fundraise for? It's something I'm looking into for the uk retreat. There is a new charit thing in UK now and don't need to have board of trustees. Brit and I (for instance) could just say we want to run it and ta-da..charity to run as we see fit.
I would fundraise to help keep these events running. Hopefully we can raise enough that helpers can be given monetary gifts :)
The sweats actually seem to be the one thing that people say is MOST important to them. There's no way I'd omit it, unless a burn ban due to drought prohibited it.
The fundraising option has come up before. In order to do that, I'd have to create a legal LLC here in Oklahoma, which would require organizing a board of directors, bylaws, and so forth, and would cost a few hundred dollars. It's not impossible, but be aware that it takes more to raise for charity here than just commitment.
For me, I see the retreat like this board. It's something I want to support even when I don't personally need the support. The retreat has been growing year on year and I don't see that changing much but maybe I appear naive because I'm fairly optimistic :) ;)
We want this to be enriching for you guys too, you know. It's never been a "service" provided
I will say upfront that because I have not been to one of these retreats my input may be questionable; on the other hand, as a neutral observer, it may be helpful.
Given that, I propose playing Devil's Advocate with hopes that you find it useful.
1. What were your expectations/hopes with the first retreat? Were those expectations and hopes met? How did you determine that they were met?
2. What are the specific costs for doing this retreat? Don't want to put you on the spot, I ask because there may be ways not yet thought of to cut them down. I've learned from experience that synergy is magical.
3. I suspect you will lose people who want to come but can't afford to if the costs continue to go up. I also suspect I might be lynched if I go on to say that those determined to heal--no matter what--will find a way.
I say that having done a workshop that made HUGE demands on time, money and commitment. And somehow, the 50 people in that group found a way. I so want to say that I know everyone's financial circumstances are different and for some it simply can't be done. And along with that acknowledgment is the experience of that workshop that taught me the biggest barriers in my life were self-constructed. Find a safe, legal way to get there.
4. Physical exhaustion. Exactly what has to be done besides carpools and the sweat lodge...as if these weren't enough? Again, synergy could play a part if we know exactly what has to be done.
5. Emotional exhaustion. As the Devil's Advocate I'd say something may be askew if there is emotional exhaustion rather than exhilaration. Are you carrying too much responsibility? Exactly what do you do to keep the retreat emotionally safe? Is a "buddy system" in place? Do you get time for yourself each day of the retreat to recharge? How do you care for yourself?
6. What do your sons want to do?
7. Years to come? This is a hard one to answer since, as you've said, "As we heal, we don't need to keep up the same regimens, that's good." I know that as I've worked on my healing my needs have changed, but as far as knowing what those needs are in advance I couldn't say.
8. You asked, "What do you need from these retreats that I can still offer you?" When I saw the announcement about the retreat I wanted to go. But once I learned it was more about social skills and play, which I agree is extremely important to healing, I changed my mind.
I know I need more social skills, but think I can find them without the expenses involved. I must also add that the most fun I've ever had was with other survivors...so, for me, it's somewhat of an impasse here.
I salute you, EmpoweredOKC, for doing the work you're doing and for the healing ways you've brought to us. I found one of the most powerful healing exercises in your book, RAR and thank you for that.
Warm regards,
SuzA
2. The grounds rental is a couple of grand, plus food, plus insurance, plus Bill Miller's fee, plus gas for travel. It adds up to several thousand dollars.
3. I know people will find a way, I just don't want them to think I'm doing anything to make it harder for them to attend.
4. I have to build the sweatlodge beforehand, which means hiking to cut willows and lash them to a truck, collect large rocks, dig holes, and pile firewood. And running a sweat is EXHAUSTING--and I do it twice. Aside from that, there's hauling in a few hundred pounds of food and bottled water in giant coolers for the weekend, plus driving back and forth from OKC to Stillwater to bring the supplies and Bill. What I don't have to do, thankfully, is the kitchen work--we've had volunteers doing that. And the women do a fantastic job of cleaning up instead of leaving that job to us. But we do all of this on very little sleep.
5. Of course I'm taking on too much responsibility. To be honest, that comes with the role of being the host. I'm "on duty" to help people who might be having a hard time, sometimes even in the middle of the night. Plus, there's the inevitable issue of trying to deal with the various problems, disagreements, concerns, arguments, and tough decisions that come up any time you have a group of people. As for what I do to keep the retreat emotionally safe, that's already the topic of entire other threads on the issue so I won't try to rewrite it all here. For starters, take a look at the "Retreat 2013" thread. Briefly, though, we make sure conditions and expectations are very clear beforehand, and there's the opportunity for women to know each other in advance through this forum.
6. Go to Hogwarts. they want to go to Hogwarts. :)
7. Yes, at some point this will come to an end. I can't pretend the retreat will just go on forever--we simply can't do that. I just want to find out where other people sense we are in its life cycle.
8. I don't think the word "play" was used, and I would gently dispute it. What we DID make clear is that it's not a "therapy weekend." It's not a place to come for intensive group therapy, or for people who are in the throes of crisis to come get stabilized--but don't take that to mean it's just about social fun without a deeper component. It's for socially-based healing, yes, just not through psychotherapeutic processes. So it's not a "play" weekend, but it's certainly not "come spend a weekend in therapy" either. Is it a blast? Oh yes, absolutely! But the fun is all done in the context of people healing together through solidarity and openness with each other. One issue we always have to deal with is that 30 women have 30 personal points of view on what it "should" be for them, but at least every year we have many who are blown away when it's exceeded their hopes.
When we first tried this, we all thought it was only be a one-time event. It was the group who sat Tonya and me down one night to insist that we continue annually, so we have.
For example, if I arrived on Wednesday and shared the cost of renting a vehicle to shlepp things out to camp Thursday and drove a rental van shuttle back and forth a few times Thurs/Fri would that help?
I would probably find other ways to mark this time and space were it not for this time and space you graciously offer.
Plus, it gave me a reason to go to Oklahoma. ;)
If we could do a sign-up of people to help with, say, just one or two things each, we could make this run better AND cut the costs! For example, someone who will pick up a person at the airport, someone who will help cook one of the meals, that sort of thing.
Wow, that could work!
** "When I saw the announcement about the retreat I wanted to go. But once I learned it was more about social skills and play, which I agree is extremely important to healing, I changed my mind.
I know I need more social skills, but think I can find them without the expenses involved. I must also add that the most fun I've ever had was with other survivors...so, for me, it's somewhat of an impasse here.**
Prior to the first retreat I was in therapy, but had actually never met another survivor (that I knew). I had never socialized in any way with anyone that knew this about me. I felt something was missing in my therapy, but couldn't figure out what. I had declined offers of going to group therapy, during my individual therapy, but did realize the value of it. That is why I thought the first retreat would be valuable to me.
It was a place that I could go, meet other survivors and just "be". Be me. The first retreat, was the first time in 20+ years that I finally felt like a whole person when I sat along with everyone. I met some of the most precious people in my life now, there in Stillwater. It was amazing, sitting with people that were basically strangers to me and feel more complete and at peace there, than anywhere else. That was a powerful thing.
I've been to all the retreats, and if you ask, were there some parts of each retreat that did not meet my expectations on any given year? (I've been to all of them) Yes...at each retreat there were things that didn't meet my expectations. Heck, the first year, I missed my flight home, couldn't book a new flight for 2 days, and wound up renting a car, driving 10 hours in the middle of the night with a young woman I had just met to her hometown, and caught a plane for the last leg home.
Each year I had expectations and each year, there were things that happened that threw a wrench in my well laid plans...2nd year- flight to OKC was delayed by almost 12 hours and had to rearrange for the Brit to be picked up at the airport, as I had assured her I would meet her there. 2 women, driving 8 hours diverted their travel plans to pick her up- something that was out of each of their comfort zones. 2nd year, I did not feel so well during the sweat lodge, and it put me out of commission for the better half of a day.
In my life experiences, expectations and realities rarely ever align themselves. When other people and their needs are involved, the reality is that the only expectation we have is that we take from our individual retreat experience what we NEED to take from it, and the rest is just reality. Life's reality. I truly believe that women can all choose to attend this retreat for vastly different reasons, and have vastly different needs, and this retreat CAN offer them EACH a place for those needs to be met. The only 'issues' arise, when we mistakenly believe that our individual needs and/or emotions can (or should) be managed or manipulated by anyone else. I come to the retreat for the sweatlodge, camaraderie, and downtime from being a mom, wife, student.....a respite from those roles. And that is exactly what each and every retreat was for me, a respite, a reprieve, regardless of any of the 'issues' that arose.
I'm grateful to everyone that put their hearts and backs into each retreat. Your hard work and care is truly exceptional and very much appreciated...after all, I was one of the group that insisted you continue year after year.