I was in the dark about my H affair, living what I thought was a great family life having no idea that in just a month the my whole world would come crashing down around me. 11 Months later and things are still not much better.

One year from now~~I don't try to look into the future, no one knows what is around the next corner.

Today my heart is breaking all over again. Jan. 11th was dday last year. Things were off last year but I couldn't put my finger on it.
Christmas was a sad trigger for my H even though he is the CS. I was fine through most of it but New Years day--I am so sad, hurt , angry.....TIRED.
Tired of hurting
tired of trying to be OK
I thought i was doing pretty good, I have been trying to focus on our future M and relationship.
Today I can't even look at him. He has been by the book remoseful and transparent and he is hurting too, this I know. Usally I care how he is feeling , right now I don't.
I can't stop crying.
One year ago....I had no idea....One year ago I would have never believed that the man that I am living with today could ever have pretended that I did not exist.

Gabrielle, I know this is a tuff time for you as well but I was wondering if I could ask a question.
What is online play-how did you happen on it?.
I am trying to get an understanding of this type of thing because that is how my H got aquainted with the OW. It started out innocently. She persued him at first.
I caught him talking to her via web cam-- the talk was sexual---thats how I found out.
I hope this does not cause you pain.
Thanks if you can answer--if not I understand.
Olive

Last year at this time I was depressed. The A hadn't happened yet, H hadnt started talking to her yet, that happened in June, but last year holiday time was the first without my mom. The whole family was struggling, and I as the oldest, and her primary caretaker for the last 2 years of her life, well, I just have not yet completely dealt with her loss. This year the holidays were a struggle; still missing my mom, dday was just Nov. 9, and I am still depressed, but somehow managing to put one foot in front of the other.
What I hope this year brings for me is healing. Healing of my body, mind, spirit, and soul. I know that the road to rebuilding a better marriage will be bumpy and full of twists and turns and I hope that I can navigate that road with dignity. I hope that the veil of depression can be lifted and I can be more engaged in my family instead of feeling like I'm just going through the motions.

I like that statement "navigate the road with dignity" a really good characteristic for me to aspire to.

I will try to keep that word "dignity" in my thoughts when I want to lash out and have a tantrum.

Thank you

A year ago I was with my parents, drove across the state by myself with the 3 kids so they could see gramma and grampa. I've done that several times because of my H not being able to get off work.

I was depressed and unhappy. Marriage felt like one long, drawn out conflict, with each of us digging in our heals and refusing to yield.

March will be the tough month for me. That's when H forgot my birthday, started the job where he met the OW, and started the A with her.

Hey Olive Ann - The online play started out with me starting a My Space account. Many men contact you on there and try to get you to meet them on Yahoo IM and others friend you and chat, message etc... I didn't do Yahoo and most of the men I didn't respond to and many want you to do web-cam but I don't have that either and anyway there is not much privacy in this house. Don't know how I managed to do what I did online. I did connect with 2 men on there in particular and experienced my first sex chatting and messaging and then phone sex. It was all new to me and was filling the "addictive need" I had from OM#1. That adrenaline and libido thrill. From there I found another site for discussing sexual topics and it made My Space into childs play. I connected there with several men but 2 in particular so you could say there were 4 EA Cyber men not really all at the same time but some overlapping. 2 talked about trying to come see me but I didn't want them to. I felt that I was just playing and there were lines I had not yet crossed and didn't think I would. (I later did cross all those lines with a local man. :-( I stayed involved with that until DDAY, even while involved with the local man. I was not completely out of the fog after DDAY and I cried when I shut down those sites with my H at my side. It seems silly to me now but it was hard coming out of the fog and disentangling my mind from all I had done and was involved in.
As you can see it wasn't so much about the men themselves it was about my state of mind. I was on the prowl trying to fill an addictive need that I had developed. If it hadn't of been this man it would have been that one. It could have been one of the online men but the local man got to me first. I can't really explain what happened to my mind and why and how. It was very very far out of character for me. Anyone who has ever known me would be shocked out of their mind. Including my loose living sister and nephew. Including my H. Including me.

Last year at this time, I was in my own world. I was aware of the connection my W had made with the OM#1, and knew she and he had flirted with each other. And the two times I asked about it, she confirmed that it was just flirting and she treated it as a game. But she was really sex chatting with him, each telling the other what they would do to each other. And he was a local guy, so it could have happened. But at that point my wife still fought hard against actually doing anything with him. That's why when she told me that he was moving far away in a week, I was very glad. But knowing the connection she had with him, I told her not to see him or meet him anywhere. I wanted her to stay far away from him. She didn't say anything, but then turned around and met him for lunch on the last day and had her brief physical contact with him in the car before he headed out.

Then he returned to finish up some things and get the rest of his stuff two weeks after that, and she didn't tell me about that one. And she barely avoided going to him to have sex. So by this time last year, her having lied to me and said they never did anything, I felt she would get over him and life would go back to normal. I figured it was over. Boy was I wrong. I went back to focusing on my world, writing and work, and she continued wishing she could find him and make contact again. Which is what sent her to MySpace, which is what brought her into contact with other men looking for a thrill, and what lead her to the other online site that was more free about sex talk and chat, which eroded what moral she had left which kept her from doing anymore than she did with the first guy to begin with, so that by the time she met the guy at the gym, she was having sex within two weeks of meeting him, while the first guy barely got anything physical from her after two months of trying to break her down.

Anyway, I'm hoping the next few months until dday anniversary, I can avoid thinking too much about these events that were going on a year ago. My main regret is that I didn't investigate more then and discover the truth then. We might have prevented the worse state of things if I had. But I trusted her. She'd never lied to me about anything before. And I think as the BS, you don't want to believe the worst. But in January of last year when I noticed she had the OM#1's picture as her wall paper on her phone, several weeks after he had left, I knew inside her connection to him was way stronger than I had been led to believe. That should have started me dealing with this then. But I brushed it off, he was gone, and she would get over him. Well, she did, but not the way I expected.

One year ago today I was in such turmoil due to my husbands late night drinking. He wasn't sleeping with the OW yet but the stage was being set. He worked with her and I knew about her..I always had a really bad feeling about her.. His birthday is Jan 4th and he didn't even want to spend it with me.. I remember that. I kicked him out of the house on Jan 9th due to his utter lack of respect for me and coming home at night when he was good and ready.. I had to do that for my sanity because I was sick and tired of the fighting..
Even though I kicked him out we still saw each other and were intimate...We tried marriage counseling and he went one time only. He didn;t like what the counselor told him and never went back..
He progressively got more distant and stop coming around as much ..That was late Feb or Early March...

I did ask him about getting a divorce since were were living apart and he didn't show any desire to come back home soon...
I knew something was up and had a very strong gut feeling that he was seeing someone. I asked him point blank and of course he denied it. I decided not to file and hoped we could work it out..

We did get back together and I thought things were going good until DD Aug 8th...That is when it all came crashing down..

It is no good for me any more. He still has many of the same behaviors and I don't think he will change.
He always keeps me second guessing..

I will be losing him for good in the next couple of months.. He will be going back to his home country and I don't plan on going with him..
Knowing what was going to happen to him I don't know why I even fought for him...

I'm hoping this year brings me a new sense of peace and happiness. Something that has been missing in my life for a very long time..

Last year I was 7 months post DD and scared that my marriage was not moving full speed ahead in the manner it was the first few months of DD. I began to feel that boring, taking each other for granted way of existence coming back. We where still living separately and my origional plans on us moving back in together after the1 year mark was seeming scary. I had assumed based on the initial feelings post DD, that I would be more than ready to have him move back in. I assumed we would have this awesome marriage. Instead I was beginning to question everything. I was feeling distance and fear or full reconciliation.

Last year my oldest son was deep onto drug addiction. Last year I didn't know it would be the last year I would have an opportunity to celebrate Christmas with my Godson (my husbands nephew) I chose to avoid my H family because of how angry I was with the adults and their aiding him in his secret life. So I missed the opportunity to see my Godson on Christmas eve.

This year I am realistic and don't expect miracles but rather a continued effort from both of us to work on each others needs as well as our own. This year we truely are in a much better place. We are living together again and both happier and closer. This year I have forgiven all of those involved in his secrets. This year I mourned our nephew and spent time with other nieces and nephews of his despite their parents lack of regard towards me during the secret Years. This year my oldest son is in rehab getting well. This year I am thankful for inner peace.

A year from now I hope that we don't lose sight of where we r now. I hope that all of my family is happy and healthy. I hope to have more peace in my heart and mind.

One year ago today I was in Tunis getting drunk and hearing my wife say she couldn't say she didn't have sex with him.

Gabrielle, thank you for your candor on the subject. It must be a normal thing on Yahoo cuz that is what my H was on. He started just by watching other peoples conversations, then the OW contacted him and they started the chatting thing and web cam. I never realized how it all worked.
I found out tonight she met her last H online, broke up his M and has only been M for 5 yrs. She kept telling my H she was looking for a new husband. Quite a predator.
My H was depressed, out of work, and has an addictive personality. Our relationship was distant. He told me it wasn't her , it could have been anyone who would listen and pay attention, and she did a lot sex messaging. I didn't believe my H about the messaging and all but now I do understand it better. Thanks again. Olive

Last year at this time I was about 6 weeks past dday. H started a new job and our hysterical bonding phase brought two girls into our lives-our two puggle puppies-Daffy and Vixen. I started IC and I was still in a state of shock or denial-whatever you want to call it.

My first day in IC I pretty much cried from beginning to end. The rest of the year would bring my oldest son graduating from college, continued contact by OW (I had to send her two emails to get her to stop) our start in MC and continued healing.

I still have my moments but all in all I think it's going pretty well. The last step is that I've requested he go to IC to figure out why he did what he did. He says he will but I'm starting to get the feeling if I don't make the appointment myself he won't go. We'll see.

Great question! This is something that's been on my mind for the past two weeks too.
A year ago we were 6 months into the rebuilding process and I was still struggling with anger, disappointment and the occasional urge to punch my H in the face for being such a dumbass.

I hesitate to say that my H's infidelity was a good thing, but there were a lot of good things that came from it:

* Our house is decluttered! I was like a crazy person in the months after DDay and got rid of everything that was unnecessary and/or didn't make me happy when I looked at it. H was nervous he was next - ha!

* Ditto with our yard. After the house was finished I attacked the yard and discovered an interest in landscaping and gardening that stuck. Playing in the dirt is great therapy and being physically tired helps with the mental games I play with myself.

* Our marriage and family are stronger. H is less snappy and we've learned how to play together as a family again. Our daughter seems happier and we've started focusing on her more and our problems less. H has stopped worrying about money so much and has even surprised us with some day trips - he is grateful for us again.

* I've learned how to be a better friend thanks to DS. Sometimes all that needs to be said is "I care about you and am sending support your way."

* I've decluttered my life. Now that our home life is happier I don't feel the need to look outside the marriage for validation and friendship. I've cut back on volunteering and have redirected all that time and energy into our home and family.

* I grew up a lot this past year. I found compassion for my H again and can see the bigger picture now. I'm a better wife and friend to him now.

I'm starting to feel that this whole mess is fading into the background now. It was just a bump in the road in an otherwise happy marriage - and that is HUGE because for the longest time it felt that our marriage was a sham. For awhile it felt that his infidelity overshadowed everything good that we ever had together and made it less real.

Ahh Lisa, that gave me a calming feeling reading that, ty :) I am glad things are good for you!