Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group

A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.

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playerapr 03/06/2011

Husband left for his one year overseas on Friday morning. Supposedly their was no contact between him andOW. I cried and he hugged me and promised that things were going to be ok. We've been "working" on things, talking about the future, about buying a house, about leaving current location and going to a new location, in his words "to start a new chapter in our lives". He was been more affectionate and saying I love you more often.
Yesterday I found out that the OW also left in his flight (fact that he obmitted to tell me).
He bought an Ipod and is linked to his email and today I discovered a chat between him and her while they were waiting on the plane.
What I thought about an EA it sounds like it actually became a PA. Him telling her how cute she was, how much he wanted to kiss her.
The pain, the hurt, the betrayal....................at first I was just upset and I just wanted revenge now I just want to die. We've been married for 11 yrs, 3 kids.....I don't think I can handle more lies plus he is going to be overseas with her for a whole year. I thought about keeping it to myself and file for divorce but I want to confront him so bad. What do you recommend? Should I confront him? It will be hard cause he is in the other side of the world. I just want to scream at him that I know the truth, to stop lying,
He did asked for a divorce, he did told me once before he was interested in somebody else and I held on to him, I told him he couldn't do this to his family and he stayed but he stayed cheating. Now he said he wanted to stay in this marriage and works things out and he is cheating and lying. Don't know what to do anymore!!!
One part of me wants to confront him but is scare of what he might said, he might said that he is glad is out and he really wants to be with her, another part of me wants to hurt them!!!!! Will like to hear some opinions from some of you that went through this!!!

playerapr 03/08/2011

Thanks again!!! It's so difficult to confront the whole situation with him gone. One minute I want to strangle him the next I just wish he was here to hold me....WTH is wrong with me???!!!! I'm obsessed and all I want to do is talk about it.....that's why I come to DS. All of you have been through the same so you understand all the emotions. I don't vent at work or with family and friends. I wish it was all a nightmare and I will wake up and everything will be ok but it's not...I have to face reality everyday!!!!

deleted_user 03/08/2011

Has he unlinked the ipod? Not revealing anything to him may make it possible for more to be revealed to you.

deleted_user 03/08/2011

I just want to say that you are amazingly strong to be able to hold back and process this awful, awful Information.
It could be a fun fantasy that he loves for a while... Then crashes.
I sure hope he doesnt take you with him on that crazy ride.
He sounds like he isnt commited(so very sorry).
He may grow and figure it out- but right now he is living two loves and compartmentalizing each so he feels pretty ok.
Ugh
My heart breaks for you

deleted_user 03/08/2011

.Quote: WTH is wrong with me???!!!!

Nothing. Absolutely NOTHING. We all did the exact same things and went through the same motions you are going through now. Your situation has the added level of a large physical separation added to it. You are doing the right thing in venting to us.

I also want to know what Ifeel asked. If so I guess that would change my advice to keep it to yourself for the next few days until you can get a little more. But still don't play games with the evidence. Get what you need and confront to start rattling him out of that fog.

thebeachretreat 03/08/2011

Ifeel is right...I would sit on this a couple of days if the iPod is still recording messages.

You are woman who wants her marriage to work. She wants her husband. She wants her family together. But you are being faced with undeniable unfaithfulness on his part. Heartbreaking proof before he even left the ground for this deployment. He has lied to you the entire time he was home and it hurts like hell. Honestly, it is more than a person can process. Two sides of you are at war - there is the side that wants to hear his apology and tell you he wants to maintain this marriage. The other side understands the depth of his betrayal. You said he asked for a divorce earlier and you convinced him to stay but he has not stopped the cheating. You want him so bad but he is not committing to you and I'm sure this hurts like hell.

I still maintain that when you are ready, send him the evidence and say nothing. I'm not doing this to play a game. I am just saying send him the evidence and sit quietly and wait for him to respond. I'd be curious how he will respond to irrefutable evidence.

We are all here for you.

deleted_user 03/09/2011

I just want to give u a hug!

deleted_user 03/09/2011

Like everyone on here, I can feel your pain, like it is my own.....what a cruel, selfish, coward man! It is always easy for everyone else looking in to say leave him etc, but the reality of doing that and the thought are so different as you love him. But to be brutally honest I think you need to.....you have tried and tried to keep your family together, but you cant do it alone. If it was me, I would send him the chats with a final letter of goodbye from you, stating exactly how you feel and what you did to save the marriage etc, what you put up with, then sit on it for 24 hours and re-read it, when you are happy with the letter send it and stay strong (it will be so so so hard) but dont have anymore contact with him, let him suffer alone!! He will be so shocked that you have "left" that he wont know what to do, dont take his calls, dont respond to his emails or texts etc. Book yourself in for a hair cut/colour and pampering and let him see when he comes crawling back in 12 months time, just what he lost!! I think you will feel empowered after you let him go and realise that yes you do love him and he is the father of your children, but you deserve to be treated so much better and that someone is out their waiting for you! As the saying says one door closes another one opens and sometimes we are so occupied with trying to open the closed door we miss the window open beside it. It is going to be a painful road for you, but to be honest isnt it already!!! He will get the shock of his life when he realises his double life is up, you see because I think men want what they cant have and if he cant have you, but can have her he wont want her, he will end up with no one in the end ironically.....because the ow isnt going to be to happy watching him hurt over losing you. Huge hug to you and wishing you all the happiness in the world.

lisalisa72 03/09/2011

Jura is right on! The only part I disagree with is sending a long letter with the evidence. The evidence speaks for itself and it will have more impact if she goes silent and he has no idea what she's thinking or doing. If she lays it all out then there is no reason for him to respond.

You'll get more information if you keep him slightly off-balance and guessing.

Before doing anything, I'd meet with an attorney to find out the best course of action. Even if you are able to reconcile and work this out, it's nice knowing that someone is looking out for you while you go through the emotional crap. It's what saved my sanity and made H realize how serious it was!

thebeachretreat 03/09/2011

Player....thought about you all night long and hope you are okay today. Wish it was possible to hug someone through the computer because I know you are hurting so bad right now. We are all here, lifting you up....sending you strength....praying that you find clarity to do what you think is best for you.

deleted_user 03/09/2011

I also thought and prayed about you all night last night Player. While all the suggestions and advice are in themselves to boost your self esteem, we all know you've been hit with a major blow and sometimes doing nothing makes more sense to you than acting on it. Give yourself time ~ since he's on deployment for 12 months that will be something that can be both a curse and a blessing. Do what's right for you. And more importantly, take care of yourself like you've never done before. Pamper yourself, get a pedicure, a message a new hair style. Yes, it only covers up what's going on on the inside, but you're children and even you will notice that mommy is taking time out for her. Wish I could wrap my arms around you, sooth your hair and tell you it will all be ok. Sending you prayers, strength & hugs!

deleted_user 03/09/2011

I wish I had words of wisdom, but I am in that broken state right there with you. I can just say this, you stay strong, do things for yourself, remain confident for your self and your kids. Stand your ground no matter what you choose to do with the information, but protect your heart. Don't do anything rash you may regret, only make good choices. Pray, Pray, Pray. Seek counseling to help you vent a little more. Also, start to think about the what if scenarios and prepare yourself for a potentially difficult time ahead of you if you do end up separating or divorcing.

I wish I could eat up all of out pain when we have been betrayed...We are all here for you...journal, vent, and reach out to help you through.

playerapr 03/10/2011

Thanks everybody!!! I need it to hear some encouraging words. Finally talked on the phone to H last night, I asked about it and he said "I dont know what r u talking about" so I emailed the "evidence" and what he do......denied, denied, denied!!!! He don't know what that is, he've never seen it before, where I got it.....I told him from his email, he emailed it to me (which isn't totally true) and he was like "I don't know", "It wasnt me", "I don't know where it came from".......when I asked him if OW was on the same flight he said NO, he said she was flying on another flight later on this week. He said he love me and that is he is going to find out where that came from and all I said was that I was going to "verified" if she was on that flight. Conversation was short due to lack of time. Well my homework today is to try to verified through offical channels that she was on that flight, don't know how but I will find out. I feel numb, like nothing, not even upset, just nothing....thanks for the support, I can't even think straight right now.....I'm sorry I can't offer support to you or words of wisdom to all of you.

deleted_user 03/10/2011

And the gaslighting begins. You might want to check out the healing library at survivinginfidelity.com. They have some great resources there to start getting you down this path of dealing with the fog and the "let's make the BS thing they are crazy".

deleted_user 03/10/2011

Good to know it's out there and that you’re H is scrambling trying to cover his tracks. He should be feeling scared - he may lose you over all this and for what? As Forrest Gump said "Stupid is as stupid was". Kudos to you for holding yourself together and not buying into his BS. I hope you’re able to find out the information you need on the OW. Is it possible to contact your H's commander? I'm not savvy on the military lingo, so pardon me if I'm using the wrong terminology.

It's not a surprise that you feel numb right now. You've had to go through quite a bit with your emotions being raw. And just remember: In time you'll be able to help others here on DS, but for now, we're here to help you! Big hugs!

deleted_user 03/10/2011

I am so sorry that you are going through this. My heart is breaking for you.

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