Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group

A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.

339 Members
3,364 Posts
0 Online
Relationships & Sexuality
/ Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Support Group

I feel like dying.......

playerapr
playerapr
Husband left for his one year overseas on Friday morning. Supposedly their was no contact between him andOW. I cried and he hugged me and promised that things were going to be ok. We've been "working" on things, talking about the future, about buying a house, about leaving current location and going to a new location, in his words "to start a new chapter in our lives". He was been more affectionate and saying I love you more often.
Yesterday I found out that the OW also left in his flight (fact that he obmitted to tell me).
He bought an Ipod and is linked to his email and today I discovered a chat between him and her while they were waiting on the plane.
What I thought about an EA it sounds like it actually became a PA. Him telling her how cute she was, how much he wanted to kiss her.
The pain, the hurt, the betrayal....................at first I was just upset and I just wanted revenge now I just want to die. We've been married for 11 yrs, 3 kids.....I don't think I can handle more lies plus he is going to be overseas with her for a whole year. I thought about keeping it to myself and file for divorce but I want to confront him so bad. What do you recommend? Should I confront him? It will be hard cause he is in the other side of the world. I just want to scream at him that I know the truth, to stop lying,
He did asked for a divorce, he did told me once before he was interested in somebody else and I held on to him, I told him he couldn't do this to his family and he stayed but he stayed cheating. Now he said he wanted to stay in this marriage and works things out and he is cheating and lying. Don't know what to do anymore!!!
One part of me wants to confront him but is scare of what he might said, he might said that he is glad is out and he really wants to be with her, another part of me wants to hurt them!!!!! Will like to hear some opinions from some of you that went through this!!!
playerapr
playerapr
Thanks again!! I recalled the messages I sent him. I want to actually "talk" to him, confront him, not face to face but not on an email either. I know he will lie cause he don't know I have evidence, and when he lies again I will present my evidence. I do deserve better, I deserve respect and not lies. I know I have to leave and it might actually be easier to plan to leave since he is gone. It is so confusing!!! Stateofchaos your name fits cause that's how my mind feels right now. My stomach is in knots, more often than not I feel like vomitting just by thinking about it. I'm at work but can't concentrate, making little mistakes that is not characteristic of me. Infidelity does changes you!!
OMG I just want to talk to him!!! I want to confront him but right now I can't and when I do it won't be face to face either. Oh Lord this is so difficult!! DS is my solace cause to the rest of the world I'm like a clown, smiling on the outside but dead in the inside.
playerapr
playerapr
I was going crazy at work, I think I was about to have a panic attack so I made an emergency appt with a counselor. I just talked and cried. I feel like my emotions are so out of control!! Is ironic that I want to talk to the person that is causing me pain, my husband. My emotions go from anger, hating him, to wanted to destroy him to loving him and missing him like a fish misses water and longing for his hug. He don't deserve me or the family he helped create, he don't deserve my loyalty. When I read I wrote I see he is a despicable man, what a fuc.....rat he is!!!!!! I know I need to leave, I know that it would be better for me, I know is the right thing but I don't know what I would do if he says "Im sorry". Which honestly I'm not expecting. He havent contacted me yet and I'm scared cause it started as an EA, then turned into PA and he is so attached to her and living in that fantasy where everything is fun and games that he will tell me that he wants to be with her and divorce. I know is probably for the best but that having that knowledge don't take the pain away.
Thanks again!!! All your posts have me going through the day.
moonstarnz
moonstarnz
Thinking of you playerapr - what a hideous time for you. I'm glad you saw a counselor and managed to get some of it out.

He is gutless and you don't deserve to be treated like that.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Like everyone else, I could come up with a few more words to describe him that are a lot worse than written here. I want to puke for you. I'm so sorry you are going through this and that your H is such a jackass. It's no comfort to you know, but when you're H comes out of the fog, he'll see how much of jackass he was. And the OW? You remember how it was when you firs t met andhow you couldn't get enough of being around him? Then you started having a family and they became BOTH your priorities. When the fogs lifts, your H is going to realize just how much he risked and he will be devastated about his losses. For now, take it one day at a time. Your frinds here at DS will be with you every step of the way.

Hugs & prayers being sent up to you!
playerapr
playerapr
He emailed me last night. He still don't know that I got that chat transcript and I know. In his email he is saying I love you, I haven't been able to call so please have patience. I was tempted to sent him my original email but I just replied with "I've waiting to talk to you....just remember what I have always said about the truth "the truth always revealed itself sooner or later and it manages to come to the surface" . I read and re read that chat transcript and I just feel like puking!! I just tortured myself. Once again my emotions are out of order!!! It seems like I calmed down and then I'm all over the place again. In the mornings is not to bad but as the day goes by it gets worst. Anxiety, sadness......it gets harder and harder to keep it together. I'm at work and I smile and I answer everybody's how are yous with OK and I smile again but I don't want to smile!!!! and I don't want to show everybody this happy face!!!! I want to scream and break stuff!!! I want to punch him in the face and her.....u can't imagine what I want to do to her. Yes I know he is the guilty one, he is the one that broke our vows, he is the one that disrespected our marriage but that don't make her any less of a whore!!! Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!! I just needed to vent!!!!! Better here than in real life!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
Your story is so sad it makes me cry. I know that feeling of unbearable pain. It is heartbreaking to have the one you love hurt you. Please avoid making big decisions or statements to your H when you are more than likely not emotionally stable from the shock of this news. Journaling to yourself and DS can be a great help with sorting things out in your own head. I would also suggest getting a consult with an attorney, they can help you get things in order so you are ready if and when you may have to handle a divorce.If your children can stay with family or friends for a few days it helps to not fight the tears. Release as much pain as you can and then pull yourself up and find the strength that every good woman has inside of her.
I am so sorry for your pain and will keep you and your children in my prayers.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I guess I am curious as to why you are not letting him know what you know. Are you hoping for more evidence? Hoping he confesses? I think holding on to this information will start to eat you alive. And you can't wait for him to come home since this is a year long deployment. Are you just not ready? I have no idea how you are doing this. When I found my H's chats, I left work and screamed at him all the way home on the phone and all the way out the door with his stuff. There is no way I could of kept that in.
thebeachretreat
thebeachretreat
I think I would have to just copy and paste the chats into an e-mail and send them to him. Enough said. I wouldn't even say anything to him....let the chats speak for themselves.
Group Founderlisalisa72
lisalisa72
I agree with beach! Just send the chat transcripts with no commentary and let him make the next move.

((hugs to you)) - this is such a sucky way to find out. I wonder how many military wives have been tempted to get on a plane and track their man down overseas just to throttle him?
playerapr
playerapr
I initially emailed the chats and then recalled it. I haven't been able to talk on the phone with him. He don't know how much information I have, I just don't know what to do, taunt him with bit and pieces and hoping he'll confess? I open my email with the chats and then close it....I debate about sending them or nor every minute. It's so difficult cause he is not even here!!!! And lisa if I could get on a plaen I would have been there in a heearbeat to smack both of them!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I just don't know what to do, taunt him with bit and pieces and hoping he'll confess?

Don't do this. It usually backfires because he will figure it out and instead of confessing start working on his story to explain each bit and piece to follow away.

I agree with Beach. Send it in an email with the subject line "Hey, look what I found"
Group Founderlisalisa72
lisalisa72
LOL - I can totally see myself flying to another country and marching across a battle field with the express purpose of kicking someone's ass.

I think you should send it all to him with no commentary, and then go completely silent until he responds. Don't be surprised if it takes a few days. The silence is what will unnerve him - he won't know if you are having a bonfire with his belongings in the front yard or what. It's the element of mystery that gets them every time.
deleted_user
deleted_user
player,

If he is not aware of you having the ability to view this information... are you sure you want to let him know that you can? The most important thing is that you now know what is going on. I say try to calm down and you will be the one prepared for the storm... not him. He is playing a cold hearted game he is going to lose at.
deleted_user
deleted_user
*not that I think there can be any winners when a marriage is destroyed

hugs and support girl
deleted_user
deleted_user
((((Player))))). I have read all the posts and my heart is breaking for you. All the emotions you are feeling, I have felt. I am so sorry you are in this place. I'm glad that you can vent here, cry here and maybe find some release for your feelings. It's hard when as much as you love someone....you hate them with every fiber of your being. Stay strong, stay in counselling, take some time to figure out what you need to do now. I agree...your friends here on DS will pray for you, send you hugs and help you through this.