Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group

A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.

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I feel like dying.......

playerapr
playerapr
Husband left for his one year overseas on Friday morning. Supposedly their was no contact between him andOW. I cried and he hugged me and promised that things were going to be ok. We've been "working" on things, talking about the future, about buying a house, about leaving current location and going to a new location, in his words "to start a new chapter in our lives". He was been more affectionate and saying I love you more often.
Yesterday I found out that the OW also left in his flight (fact that he obmitted to tell me).
He bought an Ipod and is linked to his email and today I discovered a chat between him and her while they were waiting on the plane.
What I thought about an EA it sounds like it actually became a PA. Him telling her how cute she was, how much he wanted to kiss her.
The pain, the hurt, the betrayal....................at first I was just upset and I just wanted revenge now I just want to die. We've been married for 11 yrs, 3 kids.....I don't think I can handle more lies plus he is going to be overseas with her for a whole year. I thought about keeping it to myself and file for divorce but I want to confront him so bad. What do you recommend? Should I confront him? It will be hard cause he is in the other side of the world. I just want to scream at him that I know the truth, to stop lying,
He did asked for a divorce, he did told me once before he was interested in somebody else and I held on to him, I told him he couldn't do this to his family and he stayed but he stayed cheating. Now he said he wanted to stay in this marriage and works things out and he is cheating and lying. Don't know what to do anymore!!!
One part of me wants to confront him but is scare of what he might said, he might said that he is glad is out and he really wants to be with her, another part of me wants to hurt them!!!!! Will like to hear some opinions from some of you that went through this!!!
playerapr
playerapr
I couldn't control myself and I emailed him telling him that I know, that I know the truth, no more lies. He told me once before that he loved her and could stop thinking about her so his answer will probably be of relief, he will probably be happy that things are finally in the open, he will probably ask for a divorce so he can be with her. I'm so broken right now.....I have to be strong for my chidlren but I dont have no strenght, I can't focus.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Oh player I am so sorry that you are going through this! I can't imagine that he will try to lie his way out of this and I don't have any advice for you. I can only offer my prayers & hugs as well as my support in this terrible time! God Bless you & your children too!
janrenee
janrenee
My heart is breaking for you. Please find someone you can lean on for support, a good friend, a sister or a therapist to help you figure out what you need to do. I know I would want to confront him instantly and it sucks that he is so far away. Once your head clears a little, you need to know that you are a good person and that you have a lot in your life....your three kids. Tell yourself you will be strong. I will pray for you and ask God to give you strength to endure this hell right now.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I am soooo very sorry. I had 2 ddays myself. I hate that they can lie so easy. I know it hurts so much....but now while he's gone would bw perfect for you to heal. I often feel like I want to die so I know how that feels. Believe me sometimes the kids were all that kept me alive. You are a great wife!!!! I am here if you want to talk!!!!! Message me. It helps to talk with someone who gets your feelings! Hugs!!!!!
playerapr
playerapr
Thanks!!! We are not in the same time zone so I havent heard from him but I'm scared to hear his answer, I know it's better this way, with him gone to heal but it hurts so much cause we've been talking about the future and I was really looking for him to come back and start a new chapter. Well apparently I'm going to be starting a chaper of my own :(
I feel so stupid cause deep inside I want him so say "I'm sorry that I hurt you and I love you" but deep deep inside I'm afraid that I already know his answer and is going to be that he wants to be with her.
I'm still in a box where I want to be with him no matter what but I don't think I can forget so many lies and betrayal and I don't think he wants 2.
deleted_user
deleted_user
So much love and prayers and hugs to you and your children. I wish I could take your pain for you and somehow make this easier, better, all better. Do find someone who can help you in real time, in your timezone. Someone to listen and to help you as you move forward for you and your children. You deserve so much better than this. We are here for you, player. Stay strong. Peace.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Please hang in there. You are stronger then you know. You are a wonderful person...he is the one that will have lost the best thing that happened to him. He doesn't realize that all of this is the "New" part of the relationship....we all had that at the beginging....I hate that they did this to us....be strong!
playerapr
playerapr
I dont want to talk to my family and friends cause I dont want to hear the "I told you so", "I knew it", "You should have divorce long time ago". I defended my husband against them, I said "he changed", "we are working things out" and I can't face them right now. DS is what I have for now, everntually I will talk to my friends and family but not right now.
I want to hate him but I can't!!! I would go through all the stages and hate will come but right now I'm just defeated.
deleted_user
deleted_user
I often say I wish I could hate you....but for what ever reason I love him. I don't know how he did this....I would have bet my sole he would have never cheated on me. We have been together 12 years and married 10 years in a few days. How for all of our marriage could he do this and come home to me and say I love you. I believe in karma...and I know he wi get his and all of the whores will too! Be strong for your kids and know that they need and love you. They are what matters now! DS has saved me many times. Hold on and know you are wonderful!!!!!!
deleted_user
deleted_user
I have so much anger towards your H player. How could he do this? How could he look you in the eye and say he wanted to save his marriage? I HATE him for doing this to you. GOD has his plans for you and he has them for your H too. Believe, and HE will be there for you. Sending you prayers, strength & hugs!
playerapr
playerapr
Haven't heard from my H yet, is driving me crazy!!! Can't focus, can't sleep!! I just want to hide under a rock and get out when the pain is gone. I can't cause I have my kids but it's hard. So many mix emotions!!! Love, hate, resentment, anger, betrayal. But you guys are right.......what goes around comes around. I want to hurt them and at the same time I just want to walk away. I want him to call but at the same time I want to hang up on him and tell him to never call me. I want to hear from him but at the same time I want to rewrite this chapter of my life. I want him in my life and out of it.........I want to tell him to live his life as he planned, without me in it and to never think about me or his kids again. I need his financial support for our kids cause if not I will just walk away and he would never find us. I don't want to that to my children cause they love their dad and he loves his kids but how could he do this us? to me? to his children?
Damn bastards just think about themselves, their needs, what makes them happy!!!
znzsmom
znzsmom
My heart aches for you too. I know you loved him so that's why I don't want you to beat yourself up or feel like a fool. You loved him so you took a leap of faith. You are not the fool; he is! He probably couldn't handle being away so much and staying faithful. It's the old "love the one you're with" condition. That is not a reflection on you but on HIS character flaw. It is not your fault and you did nothing wrong! I know you're hurting so badly right now, but life can begin again. Start making a plan for you and your children. Seek support, whether through counseling or through a congregation. The fact that he's with the OW overseas is not a promising situation. I would plan to move on with your children. You deserve to be loved as much as you love. Your H doesn't seem to be able to do that. Many hugs and prayers coming your way. Try to stay strong. You will survive this!
anguished
anguished
As much pain as you are in now, and I know it is a lot, just remember you deserve to be loved. You do not deserve lies. You will survive. Hugs
deleted_user
deleted_user
I also have kids. They were 8 weeks and 18 months old the day I found out. I also wanted to curl up just like you but like you I couldn't. You need to look at them as your rock now. Make lists of everything you need to do each day. Use post it notes in places you might look to remember to do things. I kept forgetting to feed the pets so I used a post it on the bathroom mirror to remind me. I set alarms in my phone reminding me to eat and drink water. You don't believe us now but you will survive this. We all have and now we are all here for you.
thebeachretreat
thebeachretreat
My heart aches for you. He has left you in quite a bind. He has lied to you the entire time he was home, making you think he was remorseful and devoted to you. He has now deployed again and she is in the same deployment. He did not even wait to leave U.S. soil before starting back up this relationship. His conversation confirms that his EA was also a PA. I can only imagine the range of emotions that you are going through.

As one military wife to another....that balance of trust when they are apart from you is so vital to maintain. Once it is breeched is so difficult to ever gain back because there are times in your life when you will have to endure long separations. He has now shown to you repeatedly that he does not honor boundaries when he is apart from you. He has shown you his true colors. He has shown you that he is not dependable. Do you want to live the rest of your life always wondering?

Now is the time to take a deep breath and start looking at what you need to do for YOU. For your survival. For your sanity. At the moment you feel like you have lost all control...but in reality you have all the control.

I am so sorry. I just ache for you right now. Short term I hope you will take time to find a counselor to speak to. I would also suggest that you get legal advice now. Most of all, take deep breaths and take it one moment at a time.

And one last thing...I know you don't want to talk to family and hear them say negative things...but you may need them now. I hope you have a trusted family member that you can open your heart to because you have a lot on your plate right now.

Sending you hugs.