Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Okay, so a little background-- my dday of an EA affair was 01/02/12-- which that night turned it a PA, and my husband has been having the affair ever since-- and pretty much sleeps there every night, although hasn't moved any of our stuff, still tells me he is conflicted, loves me, is in love with me, can never live without me, misses me, all that blah. I know, you know I believe him, but also actions don't match words-- but once OW is at work, he runs to me. Anyway, OW Is off yesterday and today. So I told myself since its been 3 months, no more emails at all (normally I email him at least once during the night about how I am doing and feeling- and he has saved every single one of those emails). Anyway, so no email yesterday- no contact at all. At 6:50 this morning he calls me, and says I didn't hear from you all day-- (well crap I knew you were with her what do you expect) and I miss you and I love you and cannot wait to see you-- I am going to come see you at work in about an hour to come see you. So a 40 minute phone call and a 10 minute meeting- where he held my hand and told me all the things he always does. Said he really would like me to email him so he knows I am okay, but what does he expect? So obviously no emailing right? Let him pursue me.. I think I should give him a taste of life with this OW.. and obviously he is thinking about me or missing me... so any thoughts?? Is this perhaps me starting a 180 and he is noticing that he may not be able to have his cake and eat it too for much longer? I don't plan on hearing from him or even contacting him for the rest of the day-- she is off again today. I don't need restrictions-- I am the wife. So anyway.. he is supposed to be at the house tomorrow after work until around 8... so I know I will run into him then..
myblvdofdreams - You are young, smart and have the REST OF YOUR LIFE ahead of you! You are unfettered by children and reasonably intelligent. Honey, PLEASE don't waste any more of your time on this man. From what you have described (and from what I can gather from your posts) he doesn't have one lick of respect for you and he sounds terribly immature to boot. Just IMAGINE what the rest of your life might be like with a guy like that -- sheer misery! Once the vow of marital fidelity has been broken, TRUST goes out the window. And by virtue of the fact that he appears to be treating YOU as the OW, that says to me that he has very strong Narcissistic tendencies -- something that you DON'T want to have to deal with as he gets older!
GET OUT NOW while you still can! This man sounds like a classic emotional vampire and they have a myriad of ways to suck you and then drag you down. It only gets worse with time.
Life doesn't close one door without opening another. Think of what's behind that other door. It could be someone that loves and cherishes you the way you should be loved and cherished. Even if that someone doesn't come along for a while you are so much better off alone than with a pathological liar.
What your H is doing now has nothing to do with love.
Sending support.
You have to cut off all contact and begin to move on with your own life. Don't worry so much about exactly what to do, divorce, stay, etc. Just move yourself away from the craziness, clear your head and catch your breath, maybe not physically (though that would be great if you could) but in your heart and mind.
If there is to be any future reconcilliation, some very concise steps need to be taken and not based on the promises of a liar, but on real actions, real deeds that are CONSISTANT and PROVABLE. Even then the burden to fix the damage done by his affair is his responsibility and may be beyond fixing. You need time and distance between him and what he IS doing before any of this can begin. He is cheating NOW and has no reason to stop, but plenty of reasons to continue.
You only have the power to control you, use it and be good to yourself. Treat yourself the way you would a friend who came to you and said this was happening to them
on a totally different subject, I find myself being sarcastic with him, but its probably my way of jabbing at him back lol but its kind of funny what I can come up with... Like yesterday, he was taking new toothbrush heads (he uses a mechanical toothbrush) and he grabbed the blue one and says okay you keep the purple one, and there was a green one left- so he went to take it, and I said nope, you don't need two toothbrush heads- one will suffice, we didn't buy these toothbrush heads for you to share them with your mistress and he said, seriously honey, why would I share my toothbrush come on" and then I look at him and said "well, I didn't think you'd share your penis either"... I thought it was great... him, not so much...
The 180 is to strengthen you as a person and guide you to healing. If by chance this wakes him up and he wants to work things out with you (provided the 180 has left room for his dumb ass in your life) then consider it a side effect of the 180.
I think given your situation that is how you need to look at it. It's like going to college to snag a good man instead of an education. You go to college to learn. Yes their are men there and you may meet a great guy but it should not be the reason to go.
You ate a sweet pretty and young lady with NO kids, what the others are saying is true. You have your whole life to explore and meet other men. He is not deserving of you at this point
Here is my perspective as a partner who has committed unfaithful acts myself: I can say with complete certainty that if my partner had done the same thing that I have, I would give him another chance and not leave him. I may have made a bad choice but I am not a hypocrite who holds my partner to different standards than I hold myself.
Now ask yourself, would your husband be as patient and forgiving if you were doing exactly the same thing? My suspicion is no. And if such a glaring double standard exists, there is definitely an imbalance there -- it means you're not equal partners. Something to consider.