Rebuilding Marriage After Infidelity Community Group
A community for those who have been through the heartbreak of infidelity and decided to stay with their partner and try to re-build the relationship.
Okay, so a little background-- my dday of an EA affair was 01/02/12-- which that night turned it a PA, and my husband has been having the affair ever since-- and pretty much sleeps there every night, although hasn't moved any of our stuff, still tells me he is conflicted, loves me, is in love with me, can never live without me, misses me, all that blah. I know, you know I believe him, but also actions don't match words-- but once OW is at work, he runs to me. Anyway, OW Is off yesterday and today. So I told myself since its been 3 months, no more emails at all (normally I email him at least once during the night about how I am doing and feeling- and he has saved every single one of those emails). Anyway, so no email yesterday- no contact at all. At 6:50 this morning he calls me, and says I didn't hear from you all day-- (well crap I knew you were with her what do you expect) and I miss you and I love you and cannot wait to see you-- I am going to come see you at work in about an hour to come see you. So a 40 minute phone call and a 10 minute meeting- where he held my hand and told me all the things he always does. Said he really would like me to email him so he knows I am okay, but what does he expect? So obviously no emailing right? Let him pursue me.. I think I should give him a taste of life with this OW.. and obviously he is thinking about me or missing me... so any thoughts?? Is this perhaps me starting a 180 and he is noticing that he may not be able to have his cake and eat it too for much longer? I don't plan on hearing from him or even contacting him for the rest of the day-- she is off again today. I don't need restrictions-- I am the wife. So anyway.. he is supposed to be at the house tomorrow after work until around 8... so I know I will run into him then..
However, remember, the 180 is about you and your strength, not a manipulation technique. It just has the added benefit of making you look stronger, more attractive, and chips away at their fog.
To answer your question, yes, no emails, not because he noticed, but because of your sanity. Why in the hell would you feel a need to let a guy who is dating and shacking up with another woman know how your are doing?
I would also suggest you think about adding the next couple of steps into the mix.
1- Never call me if you are at her place, period, end of discussion.
2- If you have spend the night with her, I will not see or talk with you for a 24 hour period of time. Don't write, call, or come by work. You want to talk or communicate with me, spend the night in your own home.
3- Stop telling him how your are doing period. How you are doing is personal, private stuff for people in a relationship with you, not for people dating other women.
Good luck!
When someone's actions tell you one thing and their words tell you something else, listen to their actions not their words, as actions never lie, but words do!
I have said this b4..... Love is secondary to honor and respect.
You don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want to be married to you 100% of the time!
I know all about the "180" technique and I suppose it works, sometimes. But more often than not, it is a method to get YOU in the right head-space to issue a much-needed ultimatum and do what is BEST for YOU -- that being ULTIMATUM TIME!
Good luck with this. xoxox
I think I would cut off all pleasant contact as long as he is living at OW's house. Be barely civil. (no more breakfast, and emotional perks of being with you) If he moves to his own place or back home then you can work on rebuilding, but if he is living with OW and sneaking to see you when she is gone... that is insane emotional abuse. It sounds like he thinks he can have it all right now and he is playing you. Don't let him have it all... hopefully he will come to his senses quickly.
Good luck... I absolutely feel your pain and confusion. i am there too. <HUGS>
You have to do what you have to do, but I'm telling you one thing for sure and for certain -- if I were in your shoes, I would have slammed the door on him MONTHS AGO and told him GOOD RIDDANCE! You deserve so much better -- but you'll never get it as long as you let him keep stringing you along.
Hugs and prayers for tenacity and strength!