When I was seventeen (I am now 22) I got really drunk on May 2-4. I fooled around, consciously, with a man who was 9 years my senior. Had I been sober, I don't think I would have done that. I found him physically attractive, but he was so much older and on top of that he was my future sister-in-law's older brother. Anyways.. as the night wore on I became very intoxicated, and at one point, after pretty much everyone else that was there was asleep, I was fooling around with him in his car. I was sort of blacking in and out, in and out of consciousness. I knew we were making out when I was conscious. I blacked out for what I assume was a few minutes and when I came too I felt something down there that was strange to me. I looked down and he was inside me. I asked him to stop and told him that I was a virgin and that I didn't want to have sex with him. He tried to apologize, and he seemed sincere, but I ran off crying. I couldn't believe that I had just lost my virginity to someone that I never should have been fooling around with in the first place. I felt like a whore. For a long time I felt like it was entirely my fault, and sometimes I still do. I don't know whether I was raped or not.. all I know is that I had lost my virginity and I didn't want to and that I hadn't made the decision to have sex. But sometimes I feel like (and this was the feeling that dominated me for a long time afterward) because I had fooled around with him when I was still conscious I had in a way invited it.. given the go ahead without realizing it. I feel like I should have known that someone his age would assume that if I was foolinga round with him I was going to have sex with him.

2 weeks later, still feeling filthy, I saw him again. This time I was relatively sober. I slept with him again because I felt like I had to.. sort of to justify it having happened in the first place. Also, I figured because I wasn't a virgin anymore, I should know what sex feels like. I was holding in tears the whole time. I think he should have been able to tell that I wasn't enjoying it and that i was hurting, but then again, I had consented this time around and invited it so the blame is mine on this one.

I felt even dirtier after that. I felt awful. My self-respect was out the window, not to be seen again for a very long time. I slept with 3 more guys in the ensuing months and did not enjoy it with any of them. each time I was crying inside and feeling like a dirty whore. I hated myself. After that I didn't have sex again for a very long time - over 2 years. I suppose I should mention that at that time I had never had sober sex, nor had i had sex with anyone that I actually cared about or who cared about me. Just one night stands that I didn't want but felt like I had to have because I was a whore.

I still have not come to terms with that experience. I don't know how I can. Part of me feels like I had had something very precious stolen away from me. Another part of me feels like it was my own damn fault...