Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
When I was seventeen (I am now 22) I got really drunk on May 2-4. I fooled around, consciously, with a man who was 9 years my senior. Had I been sober, I don't think I would have done that. I found him physically attractive, but he was so much older and on top of that he was my future sister-in-law's older brother. Anyways.. as the night wore on I became very intoxicated, and at one point, after pretty much everyone else that was there was asleep, I was fooling around with him in his car. I was sort of blacking in and out, in and out of consciousness. I knew we were making out when I was conscious. I blacked out for what I assume was a few minutes and when I came too I felt something down there that was strange to me. I looked down and he was inside me. I asked him to stop and told him that I was a virgin and that I didn't want to have sex with him. He tried to apologize, and he seemed sincere, but I ran off crying. I couldn't believe that I had just lost my virginity to someone that I never should have been fooling around with in the first place. I felt like a whore. For a long time I felt like it was entirely my fault, and sometimes I still do. I don't know whether I was raped or not.. all I know is that I had lost my virginity and I didn't want to and that I hadn't made the decision to have sex. But sometimes I feel like (and this was the feeling that dominated me for a long time afterward) because I had fooled around with him when I was still conscious I had in a way invited it.. given the go ahead without realizing it. I feel like I should have known that someone his age would assume that if I was foolinga round with him I was going to have sex with him.
2 weeks later, still feeling filthy, I saw him again. This time I was relatively sober. I slept with him again because I felt like I had to.. sort of to justify it having happened in the first place. Also, I figured because I wasn't a virgin anymore, I should know what sex feels like. I was holding in tears the whole time. I think he should have been able to tell that I wasn't enjoying it and that i was hurting, but then again, I had consented this time around and invited it so the blame is mine on this one.
I felt even dirtier after that. I felt awful. My self-respect was out the window, not to be seen again for a very long time. I slept with 3 more guys in the ensuing months and did not enjoy it with any of them. each time I was crying inside and feeling like a dirty whore. I hated myself. After that I didn't have sex again for a very long time - over 2 years. I suppose I should mention that at that time I had never had sober sex, nor had i had sex with anyone that I actually cared about or who cared about me. Just one night stands that I didn't want but felt like I had to have because I was a whore.
I still have not come to terms with that experience. I don't know how I can. Part of me feels like I had had something very precious stolen away from me. Another part of me feels like it was my own damn fault...
2 weeks later, still feeling filthy, I saw him again. This time I was relatively sober. I slept with him again because I felt like I had to.. sort of to justify it having happened in the first place. Also, I figured because I wasn't a virgin anymore, I should know what sex feels like. I was holding in tears the whole time. I think he should have been able to tell that I wasn't enjoying it and that i was hurting, but then again, I had consented this time around and invited it so the blame is mine on this one.
I felt even dirtier after that. I felt awful. My self-respect was out the window, not to be seen again for a very long time. I slept with 3 more guys in the ensuing months and did not enjoy it with any of them. each time I was crying inside and feeling like a dirty whore. I hated myself. After that I didn't have sex again for a very long time - over 2 years. I suppose I should mention that at that time I had never had sober sex, nor had i had sex with anyone that I actually cared about or who cared about me. Just one night stands that I didn't want but felt like I had to have because I was a whore.
I still have not come to terms with that experience. I don't know how I can. Part of me feels like I had had something very precious stolen away from me. Another part of me feels like it was my own damn fault...
I've never told this to anyone that know me or him personally because I am ashamed, and also because I don't want to paint a picture of him that is not true - that of a rapist.
I don't know what to do or how to feel. I want to put this away but I just can't.
I know what this feels like, I'm sorry.
-Sam-
I've been in your shoes. The last time I was raped was very similar to your experience. I was at a party with friends and we were all drinking. I was good and drunk and one of the guys and I started kissing. We flirted and were very touchy and kissing for a while. I drank WAY TOO MUCH and ended up passing out. Several hours later I started waking up, but still very drunk and disoriented. I realized he was behind me with his hand in my pants. I was unable to move and I blacked out. When I awoke again, I had been moved to the floor and he was on top of me. Again, I could do nothing. These are the only two fairly clear memories I have of the experience. So I really do not know what all he did. I've spent a lot of time in therapy and that's been the biggest help for me. I suggest you find people you can really trust and talk about what you've been through. if it's on your mind this much and worrying you, you need an outlet to work through the pain and confusion that you've carried for so long already. Take care.
.. it wasn't forced. He did stop when I (woke up and) said to stop because I was a virgin. But I still feel completely degraded and taken advantage of because of the fact that he did it in the first place. He says he didn't know I had passed out because I was awake when everything started... but I was NOT awake when he started having sex with me. Is it possible that he really didn't know I had passed out? I mean.. when you're making out with someone, I assume you kinda stop reciprocating when you pass out... wouldn't he have noticed that I was laying there like a dead fish?
It's great that he stopped when you told him to, but what was he thinking taking advantage of you while you were unable to do anything, much less protect yourself?
"But I still feel completely degraded and taken advantage of because of the fact that he did it in the first place." If it makes you feel this way, then you have good reason to feel it. Sounds like you know the answer in your head, but are having trouble accepting it in your heart. That's a really tough connection to make in a situation like this. I know this pain honey. ((HUGS))
I think I still have a lot I need to work through though...
Looking with unbiased eyes, I can see both of your point of views.
His POV- you two were making out and things were progressing. He just followed where it was leading to. You suddenly snapped up and told him to stop. He stopped. The fact that he tried to apologize just adds to the possibility of him not knowing that you did not want him to go that far. He tried to comfort you, but you ran off before he had the chance.
I've read Bec's story awhile ago and I have a strong feeling that your situation is different. Its not like he waited for you to fall asleep- after you told him no. If you truly want closure, then talk to him!!! Ask him if he remembers what happened. Be honest and make sure that you get your feelings across. You two can work it out together.
And do you seriously honestly think that someone could not notice that someone had passed out? Remember, I didn't pass out DURING intercourse... how did he not notice when he decided to go further? Why didn't he stop to put on a condom or ask me if I had one or wanted to use one? How did he not notice that my eyes were closed and my body limp and that he had to move my body around in order to get in there? I have a really really hard time believing he didn't notice.
Of course he tried to apologise - I woke up! I felt totally taken advantage of.. he was probably thinking oh fuck she's going to say something.
Fuck I just don't know. I'm so sick of trying to figure this thing out. I am not going to talk to him about it - how the fuck am I supposed to face someone that I find completely repulsive? I mean.. not only did he take advantage of me when I was drunk - he was fucking 26 and I was 17. He shouldn't have even touched me in the first place. He's disgusting and I have no respect for him and I will not ever talk to him.
I've been in a few situations myself where its been greyish area. I completely understand the feelings that are overwhelming you at the moment, especially with doubts of your self value since you have lost your virginity. For me, I had an A-ha! moment and stopped having sex entirely until I knew I was doing it for the right reasons.
As for the unconsciousness, it IS possible. The human body can be manipulated when a person is asleep. All it takes is a man with experience to know just what spots to touch. I was raped and molested in three totally different situations that I had been asleep when it started. If he had been drinking (you didn't mention if he was drunk or not) then his judgment was most likely as clouded as yours was. A friend of mine who was helping me through my rapes was a 2nd degree in aikido- and he taught me a lot about pressure points and how it is possible (long story, but it was to prevent it from happening again).
Just be careful from now on when you are drinking! Be sure that you are with people you can trust!
Not really sure what you're getting at with pressure points and all that.
Yeah he was drinking but I don't think he was completely sloshed.
Still don't see how it is humanly possible to take off someones pants and do your thing all without noticing they're passed out - no matter how drunk you are.