So I almost replied to this yesterday and then chose not to because I live in a world of brutal honesty and sometimes I come across a bit harsh even when I don't mean to. So First off, THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, and I am very sorry that you had to go through this again. Now here is where you are not gonna like me, please remember it was NOT your fault, he made that choice not you. However, I am concerned that you put yourself in a very vulnerable position as soon as you let someone you did not know well in your house. Here is why, Survivors of rape, incest, etc, are more than twice as likely to be victimized in their lifetime, for most people its repeated even more than once. That does NOT make it your fault. Perpetrators are very good at reading the sings of our vulnerability, I don't know how they do it, but they do. In fact, I was reading for work the other night and came across the term GRAY RAPE, most people don't like it because rape is rape and it's black and white. You said no before you got in the house, then you carried on anyway. It could be that he that you changed your mind even though you didn't. It's a very fuzzy area. Does that make sense? So my best advice besides repeating it's NOT YOUR FAULT is that you need to set some strong boundaries, know them, live by them. A good book to start with would be the Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker. It teaches you what to look for and what tactics they will try to use and breaks it down. Chances are this guy played you from the get go and if you read the book your gonna be like OMG that is what he was doing I didn't even know that tactic existed or had a name. I hope you feel better soon sunshine and that I didn't offend you because it was not my intention. I'm just concerned that you are setting yourself up to be harmed by not nice people, and I think all women should avoid that one as much as possible. Predators are everywhere and you need to know how to see through the charm and crap they spew at us.

I’m so impulsive and reckless and have always been this way and it’s intesified a lot since the first time I was attacked, I don’t know how to change myself

aww, hugs to you sunshine! Change always takes time, And its very normal for survivors of abuse to end up being impulsive, reckless and a whole other list of things, from promiscuous to addicts of whatever drug of choice. I think the big part right now is that you are recognizing that you are this way and that it is intensifying. I would suggest therapy, but if that is not something you want, at least start looking into online or order some books, or there is the library. Things like CBT, the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker, and there are a whole ton of stuff for women and dating and how to be safe and books about setting boundaries. Those are just my suggestions.