I found this fascinating website:

http://net-burst.net/god/mother.htm

Does the traditional patriarchy of organised religion affect me in any way?
There's really no polite way to answer that one ............. try putting on a dress and high heels and spending an afternoon just shopping for food in my area. Yup, patriarchal religion most definitely *does* make my day to day life harder, even if I don't choose to be a part of it myself!

Well my turmoil with God I feel was about when I was a girl...at 5, 6, and 7 or so, I thought that God must be mad at ME(I was never mad at him and I always did believe in him with all my heart...I really needed a Savior in my life right then, I really did). I was taught in church long by then that God punished those that were bad and even more importantly blessed those that were good. At that time my naive little girl self believed that was why I was being hurt, it was my punishment. My punishment was earned by what....what did I do to deserve this punishment? So I went all out to make sure that I hadn't committed any sins, my room was always clean, I always had straight A's, I helped with my baby brothers always....you get the picture (but I had always done these things, I just kept searching for that one thing that maybe I had forgotten to do). Then I learned what the word adultery meant. That was it. I had committed adultrey, because after all...he was a married man (SICKO)....anyway...then I felt lost. That was one thing that I couldn't stop...never had any choice....The only choice I felt I had then was to kill myself, but suicide was also considered a sin. So there was no way out.

After that when I got a bit older, I sort of...not exactly forgot about God, but put him in the background...say around 11-13. At that time it was more about I was pretty much beyond repair given my sin, so I was just doing the best I could to survive without others finding out about 'my indiscretions' as my abuser put them. (HIS indiscretions and mental illness if I could insert!)....I wrote a lot, but for some reason gave that up all together when I bolted from my parents' home at 15 cross country and never moved back.

As of late and in the last few years, I have come to accept that every single thing that has ever happened in my life has possibly, just possibly been for a purpose....God has allowed or caused it to happen for a reason if you will, even if it is to simply create the stubborn "B" writing to you all today...Lol!...Hang with me folks, feeling on the offense to our arch nemesis Rape today! (Sorry if that triggers, just feeling all of me today...)

And then most recently I discover my daughter has been raped. After freaking a bit and doing what needed done almost in 'numb' mode for a few days....I was struck, and my hands shake as I type...maybe, maybe, just maybe I could 'believe' that my experience is to help my own beloved? could it have been....maybe I will never know...but that's what I'm wondering.

So...sorry to ramble, but I guess God and I never exactly made up and if he was ever mad at me....I still haven't figured out why. But I'm not mad with Him. I lay the blame directly at the feet of the man with his free will....and I still believe that God punishes those that do bad things.

One other tough question: does the traditional patriarchy of organized religion affect you in any way?

On this one it doesn't affect me...well not exactly. (Don't worry, no novel this post...sorry!) To be perfectly honest....I absolutely 100% trust nearly no one....so it wouldn't matter to me if the person conducting services looked like an ostrich...I would be on alert if they invaded my personal space or gave me the creeps in any way. Man/woman just doesn't matter...guess it's complete and total lack of complete and total trust. Trust some people...some....maybe 3, mostly 100%.

My mother used to force me to go to church when I was a child and I never seemed the point in going. I didn't believe in the purpose of the religion and didn't understand it either because there was so much unanswered. After I as molested and r***d I didn't believe in anything anymore. Then I became a Pagan. I figured that I was just trusting the wrong god and I might as well but my love and soul into all of them because at least one of them will be there for me at all times. At first I was angry that God let this happen to me but then I found this religion. It has helped me a lot because it is a basis of nature and spiritual peace with the world. It has helped me get through the bad times knowing that I am safe because now that I worship all gods they all will help me.

I am not sure this is the answer that you want but it is how I got through it spiritually.

You know when my first rape happened I was 14 and my home life was very disfunctional and I was already questioning if there was a God because of the crap myself and my sister and brother were having to expierence on a daily basis. After the rape at fourteen I did alot of blaming, myself,my mother for not being there for me and God in letting it happen to me. I sort of let God go after that and just stopped thinking about him because if he didn't exist then I wouldn't feel so bad for what I felt he let happen to me. It took a long time for me to come to grips with the fact that no one is to blame for my life except for me and what I decide to make of it. I let it mentally and physically destroy me and lead me down paths of distruction in a passive aggressive way of punishing myself. It is only as I start to seek proffesional help and start to understand myself and why I react the way I do am I able to lay these hurts and blames to a place in my mind where they cannot do the damage I have allowed all these years and somewhat sought out I think to punish myself. When I first started couseling 4 years ago with my therapist we discussed my feelings toward religion and God. I told him I didn't believe in the christian sense of "GOD" but I did believe there is a higher being that helps us if we decide to believe and allow it in our lives. I still have that belief because I need to have something to believe in.I have studied all kinds of religions and spiritual beliefs looking for what I felt was right for me and at this time I can't put a name to it just a belief that there is something out there that loves me unconditionally no matter what and if one day I end my life by my own hand due to the pain in my mind then it will still love me and not judge me for what I felt was the only way out. I am not sure if this will help you, but in a way it has helped me to write this all down and tell someone without the judgement that usually comes with talks of religion. Thank you

We did not grow up in a family with any faith.
I prayed whenever i felt 'despair' as a child, i did it for years, even when i was raped as a teen, i cried, i pleaded, i begged.................
as an adult i became a born again Christian when i got cancer, i have never asked anything from Him as an adult, i just thanked Him when things went well..........nothing else.
Now I lean more towards spirituality than faith in any deity. I do not pray any more, never will.