I have recently written two letters to God one as a child and the other as an adult I am a believer but I dont get why he let things happen to me I am a member of sexual abuse group and self harm and I am struggling so much with stuff like flashbacks but wanted to reply to you here

I'm not sure my answer will be quite what you're looking for, I was a pagan anyway and still am; I tend to think of the gods as being forces of nature rather than human-shaped 'superheroes'. As Joolz once put it in one of her poems, us humans tend to wait for a saviour to come along and rescue us out of our own messes, all unknowing that the only heroes are us.

I'm still trying to figure out my own sense of purpose in life, at the moment I just do what I can on a small scale, like trying to practise 'backyard ecology' in my garden; and I've drafted up a will to ensure my house goes to Women's Aid after I die. I'm just not yet sure I've found exactly where I need to be in life, but I'm working on it.

i was initially angry and stopped going to all my church celebrations, but I went once and there was this song called "you will show me the path of life" and I sang the words I felt so small. I cried and apologized to God for judging him. For feeling like I didnt deserve it. Who am I? I feel like I was given the tools early in life by God through my church group to get through this. I am no longer angry at God. He is testing my faith and my ability to forgive. I pray to him daly, literally! that he help me pass this test

It took me a greater understanding of God to reevaluate my connection with Him..There is always the Why did God let this happen to me? thing... that only time can help heal that... it is like asking why children die of starvation..... things happen in life, with no reason to question for we will not find the answers we want. God has his reasons and we will not always know them. If you seek Him He will come to you....

You know, I was abused for years when I was a kid by my brother, and I have been taken advantage of and raped since. God, with the exception of myself, was the first one that I turned my anger on. But what I have learned is that if it weren't for bad things, then we would become to attached to earth and not want to leave. But since we come to hate here, or maybe just not like it very much, we begin to long for heaven as our safe place. It becomes that place that we want to be and work for. For that past couple of weeks I have fallen asleep praying and it has actually been helping me with nightmares and flashbacks. I just pray when ever I can and it helps. No matter how mad I have been, it has helped. Because He doesn't care how mad you are... He is there. And rape is one of those things that is free will, and God has promised us free will. He can't make someone do or not do something.

I will do my best to explain my struggles with my faith in a concise manner. I am not sure you have read any of my journaling, so I will tell you I was gang raped at 12 years old.The attack included oral rape, sodomy, as well as vaginal penetration. My attackers were two men and a woman. I suffered vaginal and anal tearing and had the corner of my mouth torn. To further the complexity of my attack, I had an orgasm which was caused by oral manipulation by the female. Everything about that day was made worse by the fact that I had invited one of the attackers to my home. The little girl in me believed he was interested in me. I had no fear of him at that point. The instant I became aware I was in danger, I sought God's aide. I believe what you have asked for, if how a person having suffered the trauma of rape, reconciles with God. I believe in God and in His infinite power to transcend all boundaries. It is the childlike faith that makes the trauma suffered in rape that much more difficult to justify in one's heart and mind. I BEGGED silently during my attack, that God would send me help. That He would make the physical pain I was feeling come to an end. And I believed that He could, and that He would, because I was told I was His child and that he loved me. But the attack continued, and horrible things were being done to my body, and I couldn't understand why God wasn't helping me. But, as the violence against my body continued, I came to believe; to resign myself, that God was not sending help because I deserved what was happening to me. I had disobeyed my parents and I had brolen house rules, and this was my punishment. And I was not angry with God at that point, I was angry with myself for my participation in this awful thing happening to me, why else would I have felt so good during the attack. I had no idea what an orgasm was, nor any of the things I was being subjected to, but I was fully aware I had created the circumstance that allowed this to happen to me. How could I be angry with God? But, as I matured, I learned what this was that had happened to me. And I realised that my faith was why I could be angry with God. Because, I never doubted that He could have delivered me from the hands of my transgressors, but that He did NOT gave justification to my anger. As an adult, I could see that a girl could make this kind of mistake, and that a just and loving God could foresee, and know that this is not what that child intended to happen. But to come to terms with that anger, to put it into perspective, one has to believe in the concept of heaven and hell, and forgiveness. There is a song that describes this concept in parellel fashion; 'when we get what we don't deserve- it's a real good thing, and when we don't get what we deserve- it's a real good thing. I believe we all sin (make mistakes with consequences) and when we do, we suffer. True evil exists in this world, and when we encounter this evil, we can either reach out for God, or strike out at God. In either circumstance, He is there. I don't know how to find a place to lay my hurt and anxiety down after what happened to me. I have PTSD, and if there were a poster child for the disorder, I'd be on it. But I simply, by sheer stubborness, refuse to let them take what they left me, and use it up too. So my faith may be born of the anger that I had felt toward God, but He was never angry with me, and I know that now. He hurts for me, and He loves me, and he forgives the anger I have for my attackers,and for the anger I once held for Him. I am sorry this seems to meander, but the bottom line is, the Word of God allows us the anger we have [had] by saying..'be angry and sin not.' So God expects, and allows anger, even when we direct it toward Him, because He understands that we have been hurt, and out of our hurt, we strike at whatever is near...and He is.

I never let go of god through everything hes the one thing that probably kept me strong and living still. I heard once from someone who was going through a tough time and he said that he never asked god why me? he thought mostly why not me? there are so many people in this world and things are going to happen period. they suck. really really suck. But he is here to help us and strengthen us and i honestly do not think he would let something so horrible happen to someone who can not handle it. I think it has made me soooo much stronger a person they i was before im a completely different person now but its not really in a bad way. I think im stronger and more independent and im smarter. God doesnt want to hurt us and he never will hurt us PEOPLE hurt us. But in the end everyone will have justice. maybe not here and not now but God will give us justice

I haven't recieved turmoil. God was my saving grace that got me through, when I asked for help, He worked a way to help me.

People on earth has free will, and things like rape, crime, adultery... they occur because people have the free will to do as they please while on earth.
God has the power to heal and even when you turn your back on Him, He is there for you, waiting for you. Don't you wonder why you are still alive sometimes? How you didn't die in a car accident, or at your assault? The reason you are ALIVE and made it through your trauma is because God has a plan for you, you have a purpose.

I didn't get angry with God. I just decided that He didn't exist. You can't be angry with someone that doesn't exist.

The problem was that I knew that I decided that without any real or valid reason. I simply went with my feelings on the matter. And so, I reached a point of really wanting to know, one way or the other. I started seeking Him out, figuring that if He was real, then He could be found.

After months of this, I found Him... I had a very real encounter with Him that changed my life drastically, completely and forever. It was after that, that I began my healing journey.

This far down the road, I can even say that I'm grateful for the abuse I went through, because those are the things that drove me to seek Him. And I no longer had to walk through this life and this world alone. There is no description for the comfort He offers and the healing He brings.

Those that have responded about why God let this happen have been spot on... we live in a fallen world where people hurt one another daily. But God doesn't stand at a distance to it and simply watch us self destruct. He fully and completely entered into the mess when He came as a Man almost 2,000 years ago. What they (we) did to Him then was far worse than what was done to me. But He wasn't defeated. He rose again (there were over 500 eyewitnesses.) He doesn't want me to be defeated either. I have risen and am rising up out of the ashes.

Like rachgre11 said, I'm a different person now, but that's a good thing! I would never want to go back to who I was before. And it is God that has made all the difference.

I deeply believe in God but I dont group myself into any organized religion..I am more of a spiritual person. But I do believe what the bible says that God will do whatever it takes to bring us to him. He will take the apple of your eye if that is what it takes to make you seem him. Sure I get angry with God and that is gunna happen from time to time but we are only human. Each experience that we go through helps us somehow in our life, even though we may not understand it at the time. And yes even the rape. Maybe we had to go through what we did to be able to help if just one other person....?? Our past reaches into the present and if WE LET IT it will program our future!! People that suffer as we have are so strong deep down and we, together, can get through it. We just have to be able to reach out...*hugs*

That's okay; I'm an Ojibway traditionalist, and we're certainly not very organized in our religion, either!

I've noticed on this thread that there is the customary pronoun "He" and "Him" to describe God. Nobody's directly addressed that issue, but I wonder if the conventional male gender of God has been an obstacle for any of you. If so, have you found a way to resolve with a male God? Or have any of you perhaps reconsidered the gender of God, either as female, as gender-less, or as gender-full?

One other tough question: does the traditional patriarchy of organized religion affect you in any way?

Well I always said He not because that is how I was raised but because I learned about God through the bible on my own. And in the bible it says that God is our Father. So I just assumed. It made it easier for me that God is a male because though I am so scared of men now, the is the kind of relationship that I need. I need a man to take care of me since my father is too sick too, by brother abused me, and I am gay. So it was very comforting.

God being described as male hasn't ever been a problem for me. I know for some it is a very difficult concept, especially if one takes the track that 'all men are bad'. I've run into more than my share of 'bad men', but I've also met so many that are good, kind, protective, tender hearted, compassionate, etc. I don't have a hard time separating the two. I never contemplated God as female because "He" refers to Himself as male... Father. Also, When He came to earth, He chose to come as a man.

"by Empowered: One other tough question: does the traditional patriarchy of organized religion affect you in any way?"

Not for me. I believe that men and women are created equal, but are different in many ways and have different roles. Those roles don't have anything to do with equality.

Good questions, Empowered. :o)

Let go and let GOD take your pain. I know it is easier said than done. That is what I had to do before the therepy and all that stuff. I still tend to feel there is part of me missing and I can not stand it. If you ever need to vent like nothing else you have met the right person. I will listen to all you have to say. Stay strong!
Leigh Anne