Rape Support Group
If you or someone you know has been the victim of rape, this is the place to find support and get advice. If you want, discuss your experience, share your feelings, and meet others going through a similar situation.
Frankly, I agree with Mockingbird. Let me be clear that I do not think the outcome of this controversial event on this forum should be that someone comes, tail between legs, and seeks some type of absolution--we call that "crocodile tears.". On the contrary, I think mercy ought to be damned hard to come by right now. THIS is the WORST possible place for him to work out his redemption, and the fact that he's seeking something from US--even if it's hate or whatever--seems at best awfully pretentious, and at worst, exploitive. This is NOT a case of "we all make mistakes." Rape is a deliberate act, not a mistake, and it represents a conscious value system that justifies harming women for personal power. Any effort to minimize this as some "regrettable mistake" is going to do unintended long-term damage to this issue.
The years spent in jail do NOTHING to atone for the pain and agony this action has caused, and I am very worried that grace will be too cheaply and easily granted because many of us on DS want to sadly to find "resolution" and "closure." The WORST mistake we could make is to say, "Oh, what a resource! We could learn SO much from you!" BULL; the learning needs to go in the other direction ENTIRELY. I do not think a convicted rapist is capable of producing insight and support that will nurture your recovery, but your confrontation and direct clarify about your own trauma may well inform HIM.
It would be a grievous mistake for anyone here to say, "Wow, I've always wanted to ask the 'why' questions, and now I have that chance!" That would elevate a rapist's status into a keeper of knowledge, a "special" member of this community, a figure of elevated importance. I would be deeply, deeply saddened and discouraged to see anyone flock to his feet to hear his input in some misguided hope that HE has the keys to your progress, if only HE can answer the questions you have.
My own response, which is drawn from my clinical training as a psychotherapist, but also my personal concern and fierce protectiveness for the precious lives on this forum I have come to love, is:
"Seek your absolution and purification elsewhere. If you think your presence is some gift to us that we can benefit from because YOU have had a claimed change-of-heart, then you have another thing coming. Your public change-of-heart does NOTHING to promote healing in the ones you hurt, and we're not willing to grant you some special, entitled status just because you offer yourself as a sacrificial lamb.
"We're not the ones you need to apologize to, and we don't have your victims' permission to grant you any acceptance or atonement. That is theirs alone to give. We would be disrespecting our fellow survivors to bestow any type of penance, whether gracious or fiery, in their behalf.
The fact that your contrition is decorated in "Hate me, I deserve it" posturing is about as phony and useless as it gets; hating you does NOTHING to heal us, and the danger is that you may interpret it as some type of baptism by attrition, that pays your dues through online martyrdom.
"So even if you want our hate, we do not exist to supply YOU what YOU want from US--don't you get that yet? Isn't that the exact same selfish emotional vampirism you have already perpetrated? Just because you "made hate" to someone doesn't mean balance is restored by hating you back now.
"Your suicide threats are manipulative, and they are the best example I can give of why we can NOT turn you into our new distraction or project. I hope you choose otherwise, but your life is yours to save, not our responsibility. We're saving our own, thank you very much. The fact that you would invoke a suicide threat smacks of disingenuousness, and makes YOUR needs more important than ours, which is selfish. None of us here deserves to be weighed down by concern for this type of passive-aggressive manipulation, in which the threat of suicide mobilizes us around what YOU need to survive.
"Regardless of whatever weird kind of penance you want from our responses, what you will actually GET here is our disinterest and unimpressed indifference. Bye, now."
The years spent in jail do NOTHING to atone for the pain and agony this action has caused, and I am very worried that grace will be too cheaply and easily granted because many of us on DS want to sadly to find "resolution" and "closure." The WORST mistake we could make is to say, "Oh, what a resource! We could learn SO much from you!" BULL; the learning needs to go in the other direction ENTIRELY. I do not think a convicted rapist is capable of producing insight and support that will nurture your recovery, but your confrontation and direct clarify about your own trauma may well inform HIM.
It would be a grievous mistake for anyone here to say, "Wow, I've always wanted to ask the 'why' questions, and now I have that chance!" That would elevate a rapist's status into a keeper of knowledge, a "special" member of this community, a figure of elevated importance. I would be deeply, deeply saddened and discouraged to see anyone flock to his feet to hear his input in some misguided hope that HE has the keys to your progress, if only HE can answer the questions you have.
My own response, which is drawn from my clinical training as a psychotherapist, but also my personal concern and fierce protectiveness for the precious lives on this forum I have come to love, is:
"Seek your absolution and purification elsewhere. If you think your presence is some gift to us that we can benefit from because YOU have had a claimed change-of-heart, then you have another thing coming. Your public change-of-heart does NOTHING to promote healing in the ones you hurt, and we're not willing to grant you some special, entitled status just because you offer yourself as a sacrificial lamb.
"We're not the ones you need to apologize to, and we don't have your victims' permission to grant you any acceptance or atonement. That is theirs alone to give. We would be disrespecting our fellow survivors to bestow any type of penance, whether gracious or fiery, in their behalf.
The fact that your contrition is decorated in "Hate me, I deserve it" posturing is about as phony and useless as it gets; hating you does NOTHING to heal us, and the danger is that you may interpret it as some type of baptism by attrition, that pays your dues through online martyrdom.
"So even if you want our hate, we do not exist to supply YOU what YOU want from US--don't you get that yet? Isn't that the exact same selfish emotional vampirism you have already perpetrated? Just because you "made hate" to someone doesn't mean balance is restored by hating you back now.
"Your suicide threats are manipulative, and they are the best example I can give of why we can NOT turn you into our new distraction or project. I hope you choose otherwise, but your life is yours to save, not our responsibility. We're saving our own, thank you very much. The fact that you would invoke a suicide threat smacks of disingenuousness, and makes YOUR needs more important than ours, which is selfish. None of us here deserves to be weighed down by concern for this type of passive-aggressive manipulation, in which the threat of suicide mobilizes us around what YOU need to survive.
"Regardless of whatever weird kind of penance you want from our responses, what you will actually GET here is our disinterest and unimpressed indifference. Bye, now."
But even if it WERE phony, it's a good practice exercise for us. We need to be prepared to confront people like this in our world. If any of us--me or you--can model an example of a strong response, it might inspire a bit more confidence in real life when some of our members do have to face down a perpetrator. It's better to rehearse and be prepared, since "I saw him and now I'm having panic attack" posts are really common here.
Thank you ALL for the supportive feedback. As I said, I am fiercely protective of DS friends, because I have come to feel very accepted here myself. I am not protective in the sense of a "knight in shining armor rescuing damsels in distress" because frankly, you are all strong people. I mean "protective" in the sense that I feel you deserve/you are owed the experience of seeing people side with you as peers and equals, respecting your personhood.
But this was not the place for the worth of his life to be tested and found. We have survivors here who come first, and who every day struggle with the choice to end their lives. My response of rejecting his suicidal comments as "manipulative" were not to diminish his life, but to reframe the priority of this community itself, which exists to support SURVIVORS whose crises are our collective concern. There are places for him to find his support, but this is not it.
I fully advocate for his right to find support, recovery, and personal meaning (again). But I fully support the right of this community to not have to accept the burden of doing so while many of our own lives are preciously fragile.
That's as eloquently and compassionately as I know how to say it; I hope your continued feedback indicates that this experience may ultimately draw us all together more purposefully.