I'm so sorry for your losses. I don't think there's a right or wrong way to feel. I think people go through many feelings during something like that and I don't think it's uncommon to feel very sad when someone announces they're pregnant. I know that to be the case for women I know who've miscarried.

Did your MIL literally say the word "failure" or is that how you were feeling based on her reaction? Because if she used the word failure, I'd have had to stop her right there and ask her to leave. Having miscarriages is NOT A FAILURE. If you feel that way about your self you must reexamine that or you will never be able to find your way through this. Have you sought counseling? Because I think that would be so helpful to you. Also, there may be support groups here on DS for people who have gone through miscarriages. That could be of some comfort to you.

Thank-you, I think I just wanted to hear from someone objectively because I am not sure how rational I am being. Yes, she did use the word failure but this is not new. She is not very tactful and just comes out with whatever is in her head at the time. she also said "ah, well, one in, one out" referring to my step dad's death and my sister-in-law's pregnancy. It was just that my husband physically dragged me in front of the iPad to see the scans and congratulate her. It was too much as I have had similar scans and then lost everything. I wanted to be glad but I just couldn't do it. Then whooping around with joy and telling my mum how happy she was despite my mum's grief. My husband just doesn't understand and is saying that I have to apologise. I am not sure what the way forward for us is now as I can't do that.

Yeah, I can see why you'd want to get an objective opinion, because being around someone like that does make you question, is it me??? With this woman, it appears that it's not you. She sounds like she's just a very thoughtless, insensitive person in general, which you don't have any control over. All you can do is control yourself and how you react and respond to people like this. I think that happens when we make sure we are at peace with ourselves. Because if we are not, people like your MIL will always get the best of you, and too, you want to be able to genuinely be happy for someone who has a child. I mean, you carry that grief with you, but at some point, you also, I'm sure, don't want to continue to hurt forever. So I think it's something you have to really sort out for yourself and get right with, for your own happiness.

As far as your husband, well I don't think they quite grasp the loss, and I think too, and I don't mean this to sound bad so please don't take it this way, if all your focus in your marriage becomes trying to conceive, that ends up being all your marriage is about too. So you lose the closeness and the ability to talk and be a couple after a while.

Sometimes when I need to talk to my husband about my feelings or something that hurt me, I first have to pull myself together and not be overly emotional, because he will just tune me out. As far as apologizing, I'm not sure what you did that warrants an apology unless you were nasty about it. Did your MIL tell him she's upset with you?

As a married person, this is my personal take and I have no idea if this is right or wrong, but here it is: Provided you are not dependent on a parent, once you're an adult, your parents should really have little to say about what you do and who you are. And once you're married, your loyalty is to your spouse. If your husband is upset because of what happened then he should talk to his mom about it, explain the situation and how it affected you, end of story.

I'm so sorry to hear about all that has happened to you and I just have to say that your MIL is super-insensitive and hurtful in this case.

My BFF has numerous fertility issues for years. Multiple rounds of IVF and when she did finally get pregnant, her son died of multiple issues about 11 weeks after he was born. To say that she had issues being around other women who were pregnant and/or young babies is an understatement. We once even had to leave a store because there were just too many babies around.

I would highly encourage you to stop by the groups on DS for infertility and get some support there. They will know exactly what kind of pain you're dealing with and the kinds of insensitivies that others have with these issues.

Also, you need to level with your husband about the pain you're in from all this and the grieving that you still need to do for the children you haven't been able to have. You need to ask him to be on your side. Asking you to celebrate for someone else is not unreasonable...but it is a challenge for you right now and it really may not be do-able for you for a while, and he really ought to understand that and back you on it.

I don't think you owe an apology to anyone, really. Your MIL should apologize to you for insinuating that you're a failure for something that is not your fault. That's just hurtful all around.

I feel so sorry for what you are going through. You've been through so much trauma that you haven't had time to sort everything out. Your feelings are your feelings. I hope your hubby thinks this through and realizes what you are going through.

Good luck

Hi @mewshep - no, you aren't being unreasonable. You're being human. You have suffered a great deal of loss, with these events coming quickly together (loss of dad and the ability to reconcile with him; loss of stepdad; loss of health to a certain degree - not to mention a serious scare - from your PE) and 15 miscarriages. Those things alone are enough to shake a person's confidence in their world. Now, throw in a not-so-understanding DH and an insensitive MIL, and I'd say you're within your right to feel very angry and isolated.

Of all these things, I've experienced two - a PE and infertility. Ultimately, I was successful after several tries at IUI and IVF. I, too, was advised by some, but not all, doctors to stop trying to get pregnant. This wasn't due to the PE, but to another, unrelated health issue that pregnancy commonly exacerbates. While trying to get pg and experiencing two miscarriages, I too felt broken (I kept thinking "What's wrong with me? Isn't the essence of being female creating life? I'm a failure because I can't.) This sounds a little like how you feel right now.

My DH wasn't as openly angry with me as yours might be about my reaction, but I will say that while he is generally a good husband, he wasn't as supportive as I needed him to be, especially about my miscarriages. That's such a private pain that it seems those who have been through it understand best. Maybe you could find a support group for women dealing with infertility issues and/or women who have experienced miscarriage. Or maybe a bereavement group would be appropriate too given the many losses in your life recently. Joining a support group helped me a great deal as I struggled with baby showers, announcements, births and the like happening all around me.

I genuinely hope that you find the support you need. Feel free to come back here and vent - there are many helpful folks here who may not understand exactly what you're feeling, but they can definitely relate and help you see that the way you feel is totally understandable. Best wishes and hugs to you!

My husband and I tried for years to have a child, and after going through more years of fertility treatments (including IVF), we are still childless. It can't happen naturally for us, and more fertility treatments are off the table (cost us a fortune, I have type 1 diabetes, and after my PEs, learned that I have factor II mutation). We've accepted our fate, but it still hurts - especially when everyone around you is having kids.

Honestly, your MIL sounds like an insensitive jerk. As for your husband ... well, The thing with men is that they don't feel the same way about infertility as we do. As women, we're programmed to think that having children is our job, and constantly seeing others' successes while we continue to struggle is painful, humiliating, and guilt-inducing. Be kind to yourself, and ask that your husband respect your feelings. They are completely valid, and you deserve his support!

You are absolutely not being unreasonable. You have suffered loss and are grieving and shame on that woman to treat you that way. I can imagine how she would be if she too went through what you have gone through. Some people need a reality check. You and your mum need to grieve and bond together. Tell your mum how you need her at this time. She needs you as well.
I lost my father in February of this year. Although I wasn't close with him I did try to see him. I still cry and am dealing with grief. You also have to remember that you too are a survivor of PE. As survivors we face what's called Survivors guilt. You need a time to heal. Perhaps counselling can help you?
As for your husband, he will defend his mothers actions even if they are wrong. He should be there for you more. You are his wife.
Excuse me if I'm being to blunt.