So many times many of you here on this board tell me how strong I am, how I inspire you, and how I am seemingly able to do so much given my battle with IIH. There is no doubt that I do try to accomplish all I can in spite of my illness.

And yet...somewhere along the way there is a disconnect. I am on this board everyday. My husband is always checking in with me to see where I am on a scale of 1 - 10. I talk about IIH on a daily basis. And yet, most recently it has become quite clear to me that although I have this daily interaction with my disease....I boldly ignore it's existence. There is quite a difference between living with your disease and accepting it.

Isn't it true that in AA they say accepting and owning your addiction is the first and most important step? If the same is true for having IIH, then somewhere along the way I have skipped this all important step.

I haven't worked for nearly 2 years now. When I was working I was the most popular employee at the Federal Building where I worked. I was well liked, worked extremely hard, and was known for both. The problem was that while I worked there I was very sick. It took everything I had to get through each day let alone the week. When I left there, I mourned the loss for almost 6 months.

This past Friday, after months of receiving invitational emails...I finally responded to a Federal Building after work gathering. I got all dressed up and looked forward to seeing friendly faces. To hearing how much I've been missed, etc. When I arrived I was shocked and hurt when nobody recognized me. I had forgotten what this disease has done to me. I thought I looked really snazzy. But, compared to the girl I once was...my new self paled in comparison. They couldn't recognize me with my short hair. And instead of telling me how much I was missed, I spent most of my time speaking with my replacement about how much she is needed and how much she loves her job. My old friends were now hers. I would've grabbed a strong drink to kill the sting...but, I had my medication before I left and this was clearly not an option now. When asked if I was working, I reluctantly replied that I wasn't as I just had brain surgery not long ago. And then....the awkward pause...

The drive home was long and lonely. I regretted going because I now knew that I didn't belong in that environment anymore. The days of high profile work were replaced by hospital visits, needles and medications. Today I was supposed to go back to meet some of those I didn't see at the gathering, for lunch. Last night I didn't sleep. Today I cried. And in the end, I couldn't bring myself to go.

If that weren't enough, I have a tough decision to make. As many of you know my 13 year old daughter is going to a National Dance Competition in Ocean City, MD. She desperately wants me to go. It's an 8 hour drive and the plan would be to stay a week, hang out on the beach, go to an amusement park, and of course, go to the dance competition. If I go, not only would I be doing the above...but, I would also be bunking in a condo with 5 other women and 7 teen girls. Sleep would be a rarity. Combine all that with the late July heat, ocean wave pressures and being away from home...mix in IIH....and we've got disaster! At least this is how my husband explained it after I already made plans to go on the trip.

Today, I must accept that he is right. I must accept my disease. I must accept my limitations and I must mourn the loss of my old self. I had hoped that my shunt would change things, but, alas I'm still not well.

I can't remember the last time I was this depressed. I don't know how to stop the tears...although I try not to cry in front of my family. I should be able to go with my daughter to Nationals. I should be able to work again. I should be able to live my life with an abundance of happiness. But, IIH has robbed me of these freedoms!

Today...I am mending my broken heart.